A New Hobby

My new hobby is making babies.

Yes, i'm preggie again, and my life has gone back to THIS.

Once again, i couldn't believe it. 

Glory was only 6 months old! 

I  was still breastfeeding! 

We ummm... took precautions!

But the nausea was too familiar, the tiredness too telling. 

Munch got a test kit. Positive. We got another one. Positive. 

Dang~~~~

But i'm gonna try to do better this time round:

• i'm NOT gonna push myself till my baby's underweight and my health suffers and i cry through the pregnancy. i know this is a potential pitfall for me, especially now with a baby to care for on top of work and pregnancy. My natural tendency is to kill myself trying to do it all.  But i will not play the martyr this time. for one, we're getting the help of a FDW. hello, florencia! To make up for it financially, we're going for a much cheaper gynae this time. and, if necessary, i'll deliver in my bathroom instead of a one-bedder at TMC.
  

• i'm gonna stay in ministry, and do whatever i can to continue serving others. Remember what Carol shared -  do all you can for each day. 
  

• i'm gonna enjoy my students and keep my focus. i NEED to love them before i can do anything meaningful for them.
  

You know how the return journey always seems shorter than when you first made your way there? i'm hoping that it's true for repeat pregnancies as well. i remember the dreariness i felt, and how it seemed so unending. Perhaps this time round i'd be going  *Pop* "Oh hey, baby's out! i didn't even notice i was pregnant!!" 

We can hope, we can hope.

And by the way, making babies is NOT really my new hobby. Far from it.

I prefer making purees. it's a lot less work.

MacNoob

Just got my MacBook, yes the aluminum one. =)

Looks good, seems promising so far, but i'm still not used to it. 

And i still haven't figured out the applications for word processing/ ppt etc yet. The iPhoto and Garageband were more enticing. And i love the trackpad! (except i miss the ease of right-clicking)

Anyway, I think i need to visit peck for a crash course on the more serious stuff... else cannot start work...

---

Got a zillion (by now u should know i exaggerate) pictures of Glory that i wanted to upload.

Unfortunately the Evil Computer/ Camera/ XD card really messed things up, and i lost some pictures. ='(

She looked so so pretty can. Blue dress, smiling daintily while rolling all over the hotel bed, sunlight streaming in from the window. 

*Cry* 

Dumb thing is, this is not the first time it happened. I think the previous time we lost some of our honeymoon pics. How to prevent it from happening again??? dun even know if it's the comp, the camera or the card. Hey they all start with the letter "c". 

Anyway, yeah, sometimes technology frustrates me. Which explains why i bought Glory simple stuff like bubbles, and will be getting her a windmill next. For her Christmas present. Simple and fun, and affordable. 

Glory is always so thrilled by simple things. She loves the signboards at the public carparks "Mind the railings/beams when reversing". She kicks gleefully and chuckles whenever she sees them. Which is like almost everyday. And for every board we walk past. So each time we walk across the carpark, she has a party.

She loves trees - i can't figure out if it's the size/ movement/he

ight/ colour that thrills her so much, but she loves them.

And a funny new hobby - making faces at herself in the mirror. Kekekek. 

She's so much fun now, and so affectionate too. 

She once held my face with both her tiny hands, drew me close and placed her lips on me. Ok, it's hard to tell if she was trying to kiss me or eat me, but judging by the sweet smile on her face, it was a kiss.

She IS quite an eater though. Quite easy-going and well-behaved. She ate almost everything we offered her (except the chor-bee-gor)

And here's my little darling sitting =)

so fast hor?

=)

but not as fast as the MacBook startup. THAT is amazing man.

3 hours off!

I got me a much-needed haircut, and had dinner at the Orange. A very simple meal, all on my own, yet it was so enjoyable. Perhaps it was because I did not have to hold a baby in one hand while maneuvering a spoonful of food hopefully and artfully towards my mouth. Perhaps it was because I did not have to gulp down my meal, while looking out for the first signs of her restlessness/ hunger/ discomfort.
As I strolled back home, I found myself itching to call and check on Glory. “She’ll be fine,” I told myself, “Trust munch.”
So to make sure I don’t accidentally call/ sms, I zipped my phone into my purse (but not before checking to see if I have missed any urgent calls for help)
As I walked past Watson’s, I found myself looking for baby sunblock.
Uh- oh. Symptoms showing again. (Munch noticed I have a new disease- I ALWAYS walk to the baby product aisle and stare at all things baby, even if there is nothing I need to buy. Even if I’d JUST stared at the same shelf the day before. Same with all Mothercare/ Kiddy Palace/ Pumpkin Patch etc stores.)
So I decided I was not in a fit state of mind to walk into NTUC.

The sad truth is, I have transformed into your typical messy-frumpy mummy. The hairstylist was appalled at the state of my hair. “Wah, how can you stand it?” she asked. “I just wash and tie it up once it dries, I won’t notice anything.” I explained. I’m sure everyone in the salon must have smirked at this shabby ah-soh. Haiz… to think that not so many years ago I used to go for hair treatments every 3 weeks.
And now, in addition to the scruffy hair, I’m constantly decked in the ubiquitous aunty outfit of loose t-shirt and comfy shorts – all the better to whip out a breast easily. Oh wait, did I say breast? I meant milk bottle.
This is bad, is bad, is bad.

I better shape up before my husband notices.

By the way, the emergency call has come. Baby and Hubby are on the way back. Which means I have probably 20 min to quickly make her purees!! (sweet potato and carrot next! Did I mention she loved broccoli? And hated apples? She actually gagged when she tried the apples! Weird.)

And that's my memoir of my 3 hours off!
=)

Two Years on: 11.11.2008

It’s been 2 years!

And what a 2-year.
We've been married and unpregnant for 10 months, married and pregnant for the next 9, and married with a child for the last 5months. And been on 3 trips (yes dear, i'm counting)

I love my husband! And Glory loves him too!

Recently, we had to do a piece of homework for the Parenting with Confidence workshop we are attending – to write a family mission statement. From a list of 39 words, we decided to first pick 5 independently, and then discuss which of the short listed ones to include in our Family Mission Statement.

Here are the words to choose from:
Adventurous
Celebration
Courageous
Drug-free
Grateful
Honest
Just and fair
Loving
Moral
Obedient
Safe
Friendly
Well-mannered
Caring
Community focus
Creative
Fun
Heritage-honouring
Hospitable
Kind to animals
Loyal
Music is valued
Optimistic
Sporty
Tolerant
Hardworking
Tidy
Cooperative
Culturally aware
Financially competent
Generous
Healthy
Uniqueness is valued
Learning is valued
Responsible
Punctual
Close-knit
Dependable
Peace-making

Amazingly, of our 5 choices, 4 were the same! What are the chances of that?! (ok, this is where the Raymonds among you start calculating probability).

Munch chose loving, well-mannered, moral, close-knit and fun, and I chose loving, well-mannered, moral, responsible and close-knit.
See, our values are so similar, how can I not marry him! =)

Anyway, here’s our family mission statement:

Our family is loving and close-knit.
We will value morality, fun and responsibility.
We will always try to be well-mannered and respectful.
To those within our family, we will love unconditionally, emphatize, forgive and comfort each other.
To those outside our family, we will be caring.
The greatest priority for each person in our family will be our relationship with God.

Was looking at our honeymoon pics, and hehe, our honeymoon was so “us”. Unplanned, random, ending up at the most un-touristy places (Vacaville community library… Redondo Bay… Random deserted roads/ wilderness/tracks…)


Can’t wait to do it again =)

God willing, we’ll have 50 years or more to do it.



When I’m old n white-haired, I wanna hike with you in the mountains, visit quaint towns in obscure lands, camp with you by the sea, drive around in a caravan, re-confirm the best prata again and again...
I’ll hold my walking stick in one hand, your hand in the other, and we’ll talk about when we first met, our latest trip, our next trip, Glory’s first smelly poop and the garlic restaurant at San Francisco.
But even if we can’t walk or talk or remember, I’d still love sitting next to you, and simply enjoy being yours.
I love you, you funny cute sweet fella. =)

The name of my next child

Haha, prophetic or what! Was looking at our wedding vows (our 2nd anniversary is coming up!!) and realized we've decided on the names of our kids way back in 2006!

The Vow
I, Shuyan, take you, Wencong, to be my husband and closest friend from this day on.
I promise to respect you, honour you and to submit to you, as to the Lord.
I will love you, care for you and encourage you.
I commit to be your helper and faithful companion through the seasons of life,
And to build with you a loving household that will bring glory and pleasure to our Lord Jesus Christ.
I will be yours in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through joys and sorrow.
As long as we both shall live, I am yours.

My next child's called Pleasure!
=)

Glory Likes...

Glory likes listening to adults' conversations

listening to aunty juliana @ globetrotters

(in a high chair for the first time!)

Glory likes to master new skills

(or rather, Mummy likes to make Glory sit on high chair coz she looks so grown up)

o-kay... i've practiced enough, Mama.
enough le hor.

Glory likes to read

Say Hello to the Baby Animals!

It's a nice book, with furry animals we can touch,

and the story ends with the Baby Lion curling up to sleep with Mama!

ok... i added that in...

Glory likes sleeping on her side

what's with the hand...making kawaii pose for the camera even when asleep. must have learnt from aunty eliz when in mummy's womb.

Glory likes Aunty Miffy...

and is happy for her & uncle!! =)

Glory loves Godpa & Godma!!!

(Mama loves 'em too and wants Glory to inherit their passion, compassion and faith!)

Glory likes pumpkin... not

she seems to prefer spinach actually.

And finally, yet another unrelated picture... i just think she looks pretty here. =)

Money No Enough 2

Just watched Money No Enough 2. That's what happens when you have a baby i guess... no more movies at the cinema. Gotta wait till it's out on DVD. Well, at least it's WAYYYY more economical. $5 for rental and 6 of us watched it, versus $9 each for movie tix, plus parking, plus popcorn... I do miss movie dates tho... anyone wants to babysit Glory for a night? ;)

Anyway, back to the show.
It is NOT a comedy.
There were the usual digs at the government, but this time less witty and biting. The complaints have been repeated so often it's not even funny anymore. It doesn't even stir up that nanosecond of "righteous indignation".
And, it is not a comedy, because i cried more than i laughed.
It's wrenchingly painful to see how the 3 male character's mother was taken for granted and sidelined in their quest for survival/prosperity/convenience/enjoyment. It's painful to see, because it is so real. For JAck Neo's character, it is outrightly wrong - he had the ability to give his mother a comfortable life, but chose not to, for selfish reason. What then, if, like Mark Lee's character, there was no one home to care for an elderly mother?
An Old Folks' Home must seem so dreary to the aged. After a lifetime of sacrificing for her kids, she's sent away from her loved ones to be with strangers. Horrible horrible horrible. Yet before i take the moral high horse and start condemning others, perhaps for some people, in their circumstances, that was the only way?
A mother now, i understand this awesome and unfathomable love a mother has for her child. And i know how i would be willing to do anything for Glory, however hard or painful. We mothers would wake up 5 times a night if needed, stop working if needed, work AND mother if needed, do whatever it takes without complaints to give the best for our kids... and yesterday i realized... hey, my mother felt/feels the same about me. And she did the same for me.
And for someone who once made all those sacrifices for me, it would be unforgiveable for me to give her any less than the best i can.
In the show, the Old Lady, who was suffering from dementia, woke Mark Lee up all through the night, looking for ummmm... various knick-knacks. Didn't we, as babies, woke our mothers up for feeds? Didn't they stay up for us -willingly and without complaints- when we were ill?
The Old Lady suffered from incontinence - as babies, didn't we also pee and poo and puke all over? And our mothers cleaned up after us without so much as a wrinkle of the nose.
So the Old Lady needs a room, didn't our parents change their lifestyles drastically to accomodate us, set aside rooms/money/ career to bring us up?
It goes a full circle, or it SHOULD go a full circle... we must look upon caring for aged parents as our duty, and a priority at that.
Should. Must. It's only right, really.

Bad Mood

I find it so high-handed and rude and unfair.
Feedback forms and surveys so frustratingly useless.
So kept-in-the-dark, so unsupported.
And everyone seems to be moving on to greener pastures.

If you appeared before me i'd scream at you for neglecting your kids.
If you appeared before me i'd question your resource allocation and unfair expectations.
If you appeared before me i'd kick you for starting it and leaving, and leaving for less than a noble cause.

But truth is, when you do appear before me, i'd just smile and make nice.

Damn.
Damn it all.
Damn me.
Lousy pushover.

do i need inspiration?
communication?
passion?
church camp?
a sabbatical?

o let this stupid mood pass.
is it possible to get pms while still breastfeeding?

i wanna go home and be with my baby.
but my husband is late and he's still not even on his way.
and i am hungry.

lousy lousy day.

Firsts: Spinach Puree!

Glory's taken to rice cereal pretty well. Yesterday, we offered her some spinach puree.
It looked a little gross, and the idea of it was rather unappetising. Imagine, spinach boiled and pureed. That's it. No condiments added, other than some milk. i was all ready to cut her some slack, to let her have perhaps just a spoonful or two.
But Glory seemed to enjoy it, she finished it all!

check out the spinach puree in the bowl. Would YOU eat it?

ok, so a third of the portion ended up on her face/ legs/ bumbo seat.

But still, Well Done, Sweetie!!
nothing. not related to spinach. just think she looks pretty here. =)

Firsts: Flips

Here's our newly flip-happy baby!

With her new-found skill, she's no longer completely dependent on us to move around.

Awake and no longer wanna lie down? Flip!

Toy too far away? Flip!

Mama too far away? Flip!

This morning, after i changed her, she decided she's given me enough time and flipped over even before i fastened the rompers.
Now i've got to make sure my diaper-changing skills are up to speed!

Firsts: Swim Time!

Glory's first swim @ Godma's place

in her super conservative wet suit. Papa says no bikinis.

hey hey hey! there's cold water entering my suit! is that normal?

Ducky, you cold too? Don't be scared ok? I'm here.

Warmed up! This is fun!

Poor Conversationalist

NSmen and new mothers are the worst conversationalists, i reckon.

I remember having to sit thru endless conversations with friends/brothers/cousins who were in NS. Their conversations were always about NS - some evil officers, some strange acronyms, some tough trainings, some unreasonable-superiors-who-are-incapable-but-are-superior-only- because-they-signed-on, some blur sabo-kings etc. They didn't seem to have anything else to talk about.

Now i'm like that, albeit i speak only about my daughter.

You know how i posted a blog entry about her turning over on her tummy only minutes ago? It wasn't enough for me. I seriously feel a need to walk through the staff room and informing every colleague. I honestly feel it deserves a spot in the front page of the Straits Times. (maybe i should call jianming) I seriously believe it is more important than whether the STI/ DJI etc goes up or down, economic crisis ends or worsens.

So... yeah.
You know what to expect when you next see me.
i will TRY to act like i am listening when we talk about other things.
but you know better.
I'm only waiting for a chance to link the conversation to my darling, then i'll drown you with a blow-by-blow account of how she turned on her tummy/ ate rice cereal/pretended to laugh and the 72,529 photos i have of her.

Be warned.

19th October 2008: On Her Tummy!

Glory flipped over to her belly last night!
We put her inchworm a distance away and she kept trying to reach for it... many attempts were REALLY close. Munch and i watched in anticipation.
"She's gonna make it real soon!" Munch commented, "Maybe tomorrow... haiz, we won't be around to see it. How?"
"We could take childcare leave for a week..."
i went off to brush my teeth, still watching her cute attempts. Reach-reach-reach-flop back. Reach-reach-reach-give up.
Have to let her experience success, i thought. perhaps i should push the inchworm closer to her so that she'll manage to grab it. i stepped closer.

And then it happened.

Glory looked around with a very pleased expression.
"Oh look at me!" She seemed to say, "I did it, i'm on my tummy, with no help!"
Toothbrush in my foaming mouth, i congratulated her and burst into my parents' room, gesticulating frantically. They seemed to understand coz they all rushed over.
=)

Ooh baby, i'm so proud of you!
You're so cute!
And i'm so intoxicated by your disarming smile and pretty eyes and milk breath and amusing chuckles, i think i can smell you even when i'm at work.
i'm so addicted to hugging you, i'm finding it hard to do anything!

Clockwatching's bad Bad BAD, but i'm counting down.... can't wait to be home with you again, you funny cutey sweetie pie!

Dear Uncle Alien

Dear Uncle Alien,
Thank you so much for asking about me. I'm doing very well so far.
Since we last met at my first month party, i've had a hair cut. Or rather, a very hardcore shave. My hair's currently still trying to grow back. Here are some pics!

Happily bald!

Tummy Time!

Praying... for Grandpas, Grandmas, PaPa, MaMa, Uncles, Aunty, Godpa, Godma and the construction workers working outside in the sun.

Meeting Miffy

Learning to sit

With the Inchworm and Book from Godma

I went to Fullerton for a one-night stay! Enjoyed it tremendously, especially the bed n the tub! =)

With cousin Natalie. She's grown so much!!

I may be small,
but i've got street cred!

MaMa has since taken on a second job - a paparazzi.

She reckons i am the cutest baby in the world and is trying to force the entire universe to look at my pics. So here are the links

Second Month

Second Month 2

Third Month

Third Month 2

Fourth Month

Not in love with me yet? Watch this video! =)









Admit it! I'm cute!

i succumbed

yesterday, after weeks of deliberation, i bought the Gap cap for Glory.

And in one historic moment, i rescinded on my pledge not to buy full-price branded frills for babies.

never again.

or so i say.

Problems of "Potential"

The problem with Potential is the same problem with Good Intentions.
They haven't happened, and one cannot be sure they will.

You're said to have it, then something happens which legitimately delays you fulfilling it.
Then you move on, and are again said to have it, then something else happens which again legitimately delays the Fulfillment. And it happens again. And again.

It's enough to make you wonder if Potential is really what it means.
It's enough to make you wonder if you will ever do anything worthwhile in this lifetime.
***
i missed last sunday's sermon.
i fully INTENDED to be there, and on time too.
But i wasn't there.
*smacks myself on the head*

heard it was a good one.
the kind i'd feel for, the kind that spurs me, the kind that might just light my fire and send me on a social reform frenzy again.

but i missed it.
and it's not on the website.

dang.

learning to let go

I think he’s attached. The signs are all there. And I find myself being silently protective of him.
It’s strange how my "motherly instincts" rears its head… when he goes for marathons, triathlons, wakeboarding, boozing, clubbing. It’s strange coz I’ve done them too (oh, ok, except the marathons and triathlons). It’s strange coz he’s not even my son.
Which made me wonder how I’d feel when Glory starts “leaving the nest”. If I’m so protective over a smart, well-adjusted, strong young man who’s not even my son, wouldn’t I be a neurotic freak when it came to my own daughter? Would I devise ways and means to keep tabs on her friends and actions and whereabouts? Munch already decided to. He said she’d have to go straight home after school, and no boyfriends allowed. Till she’s like… 30 or something.
Daddies.*rolls eyes*
They say parenting is really a process of preparing a child for independence.
I suppose that’s true. One of the biggest things parents have to learn is to let go when the time is right.
I asked my mummy how she felt when I took boys home. Was she protective? Was she suspicious of them? Did they have to slowly earn her acceptance? Did she worry?
She said she was the other extreme. She started off by liking whomever her children liked.
That sounds pretty cool, and when I thought about it, it’s quite true. She’d worry loads when I went diving/trekking/bungee-jumping/wakeboarding/theme parks(yeah... she has this idea that the screws would come loose and the roller coaster cart would fly off the tracks...), but she has always “approved” of my boyfriends. Though she did interrogate me about their families, though she did fret about the “ancestry” of one of them (and I think she and daddy were secretly pleased when we stopped dating), she has always been nice to them.
She always seemed to believe I’d be wise and make good decisions. Maybe coz I’ve always been a responsible kid. Ahem ahem. Or maybe coz I knew which stories to tell her and which to leave out ;)
But I guess this confidence in one’s offspring comes with trusting that you have brought up your child as well as you know how. And the recognition that you are never meant to “control” the kid. Nor are you able to.
Well, Mummy gave me so much freedom, and yet I turned out to be more of a prude than she ever was. (she has Jesus to thank for that).
Know what? I hope Glory grows to be a prude too.

Spring-cleaning in autumn

i thought that once the ordeals of pregnancy were over, i would go charging again. Was looking forward to it in a way... the challenges, the dreams, the ideals... The productivity and sense of accomplishment each day brings.
But perhaps all that has to be unlearnt- and embark on a new and different season. To re-learn to blessedness of stillness and intimacy. To learn the fruitfulness and joy of motherhood, of marriage, of family, of friends.

Perhaps a spring-cleaning is needed first.
In autumn.

Where dried leaves keep falling (like post-natal hair loss) and clearing of dead leaves never seem to end. It isn't easy. We used to plant and prune, watching each bud with great anticipation. When the blossoming started, we rejoiced at the harvest, the beauty, the joy. Then the cherished blooms once held so dear slowly withered. And now has to fall. And all that remains is to sweep them away. Perhaps pile it around the old tree, and wait for spring again.

Yet there is joy and relief in the recognition of the seasons.
To know what is needed for now, to know what i need not hold onto.
To know that it is not an abnormally, not a disease, not a fault, but merely a sign of the season.

What then, this season?
My baby, my husband, my family.
My students, each charge under me.
My friends, the church, the heart ministry.
Prayer life, the Word, regular exercise, intimate worship.

Rocks in, pebbles out.

Those little hands…

Those little hands…
So tiny and soft.
Chubby and dimpled, they look like starfish. Even when sticky and (frankly) smelly, they are cute.
I love the way they roam all over my face, exploring gently.
I love the way they fiddle with my hands as i lay next to her, playing with each finger, grabbing and rubbing.
When she grabs my fingers as I nurse her on Monday mornings, I feel I shouldn’t leave for work.

If only i could hide you in my pocket and take you with me.

no time, no time!

1. enjoyed my bday celebration. Fullerton stay was great! =) dinner @ the koh's great! HP's food was wonderful, and the company fantastic.
2. enjoying motherhood after all! =) i love glory, she's such a darling. and she's funny. and she's cute. love her love her love her!!!
3. going back to work's ok too. super busy, exhausted, but- well, ok. It's not as monotonous as being at home attached to the baby 24/7 (though i wish i could see more of her than i currently get to...) , feels more productive, colleagues are nice, and students seem more loveable now. Though i still don't want a son. =P
4. am planning to go to vietnam at year end! =)
5. had this strange night, when i couldn't stop thinking about being trapped under rubbles. but i think it was good. i feel... enlightened...

wanna journal more but... no time!!!
but i must i must!
it's an interesting season.
and i think i like it.

Lip synching: Teamwork in action?

When I first heard about the lip-synching at the Olympic opening ceremony, I was quite amused by the Chinese quest for “perfection” whatever the cost. I must admit I pounced on the news as the latest fodder to ridicule and criticize. Woah, they restrict what the foreign press report, train their girls to walk/smile/talk in a particular way, digitally enhance the fireworks, and forbid a little singer from claiming her minutes in the limelight because of crooked teeth.
But when I thought about it, there really is no reason to ridicule.
They want to put up a show that’s aesthetically perfect – nothing wrong with that at all. So within their team, the Song-writer writes, the Musicians play, the Singer sings and the Pretty One presents.

Perhaps we should be impressed instead, by the way they put their goal, their nation before self. While we were thinking, “Oh no, the poor girl, is she gonna grow up with an issue? Will she think she’s ugly? Will she hate her body/teeth/mother?” perhaps she was thinking, “I have done my nation proud. I have contributed to the nation by singing the song for the Olympics Opening Ceremony.”
Perhaps it never did occur to them nor her to put individual glory before a nation’s needs?
In any case, putting the pretty ones on tv - isn’t that what the rest of the world does? And when the singers/ actors/models aren’t comely enough, don’t they just starve/nip/tuck them into “perfection”?

At least they didn’t pull out all her teeth and make her wear dentures to create that illusion of beauty.

Hearing, Listening, Doing...

Let's Get Engaged: Becoming an Engaged Church
Good reminder, word in season, important message that God made sure i paid attention to- promptings before hearing, strong conviction, prayer of minister.

i want.
i need.
i was born for.

need to re-listen, need to obey, need to put into action.

please pray for and please check on me. my flesh is so weak... despite knowing it's serious, i'm still not taking the symbolic step of cancelling the hotel reservation and going for cg instead this friday.

sad, bad.
feels like OZ days.
it's still my stronghold after all these years - Fun.

But i promise to work on it diligently. After the Fullerton stay. really i will
sheez... i did this too, in the past... "i won't do it again, after tonight's party"

Agh.

Glory's 2 month Old

She's everything we prayed for and more...

Happy 2nd Month Darling!

May you grow to be a woman with a gentle and quiet spirit, a channel of God's love and blessing and healing and joy.

Goodbye Champagne

She was found... and adopted - they scanned the chip too late. By then, they'd developed feelings for her.
Of coz they would - who wouldn't grow to love my crazily happy Champagne?
My crazily happy baby who would run up and smother you with wags & kisses excitedly.
Who would imagine silly games and get herself all engrossed in them.
Who so affectionately shares her bone-treat by chewing it in half and giving me a piece(though she did return to claim my half when she finished hers and noticed mine was intact)
Who would rest her head on my lap and stare adoringly, hoping for some dinner scraps.
Who would be so manja and nudge my hand into motion when i neglect to sayang her.
My crazily happy champagne who would tremble with excitement when obeying commands, in explosive anticipation of the praises and rubs that came after.

But i mustn't think about that now.
Thoughts like these make me want to claim her back.
Which really isn't right or practical anymore.

Steeling myself always works. When the pet chick died, when the pet hamsters died, when Dorby was given away... it has always been my de facto response. Pretend it's okay, act like it doesn't REALLY matter, move on... though i always seem to refuse to touch the cage of the deceased animal, and i always refrain from talking about them till months or years later.
It's probably unhealthy - yeah, we all read about how we need to mourn the loss before we can truly move on.

But it seems like i am afraid to mourn. When John Cusack's dog died in Martian Child, i cried along- in part, it was for Augustine and Furball and Oreo. It was for Dorby, who was given away and drifted out of my radar screen till i heard, when i was in my teens, that she has already passed on. How heartily Cusack faced his loss. Wish i'd had the courage to do that.

Sometimes mourning seems to be a luxury. It's also a quicksand.
Like after the first breakup with A.
I could've done the "steel-myself" thing and moved on cavalierly. I could've convinced myself i didn't care, and i think the facade would have held up. But i decided instead to mourn (somehow i figured that when it came to People, not mourning would result in baggages) and a terrible month followed. it was such a terrible month that i still wonder if the mourning was actually more traumatic than the loss. Perhaps not mourning would be better?
On the other hand, i may have developed a fear of mourning that is actually more oppresive than the mourning itself. To mourn or not to mourn, that is the question.

But i digress.

This post is for Champagne.

Baby
i remember how you stuck your paw out of the cage and urged me to take you home.
i enjoyed our romps in Yunnan Garden, and later on at the Bartley cemetary, how you bound about in the tall grass, like a happy little bunny.
i remember how you leapt into my arms when you stepped on some ants.
i remember how you pretended to be a fierce predator and chased Something around the room.
i remember how you stole my duck noodles and finished up the meat, leaving the noodles for me.
You're a smart one.
In Dog-Years, you'd be Grandma, but i always called you Baby and you'll always be Baby to me.
But - OY! Don't you know your name is Champagne? Why on earth did you answer when they called you Ginger? Now you've gone and made their whole family fall in love with you...
But i can imagine you being happy with them... they sound sincere and loving and fun. I suppose you are happy there. Do i dare to go visit you?
i dunno.
i miss you actually.
and if i see you again i may not let you go.
i feel like one of those jilted lovers who realise how much they've taken their lover for granted only after they've left.
but it probably is better for you to be with them - you'd probably have more company, more cuddles, more walks...
So you've struck it rich now huh, Baby?
Transformed from a Seletar Champagne to a Bukit Timah Ginger.
你要幸福哦.

Perfect Love

"I just keep having this feeling that if people really know me, they won't like me."
I remember this conversation with sarah when we were in secondary school. strangely she could identify with what i was saying. Not that we were hiding anything from our friends, we told one another everything and more. We still liked one another. Yet there we were, somehow feeling that we didn't really deserve to be liked.
Perhaps it was because we didn't really like ourselves? We didn't meet the exacting standards that we have set for ourselves?

it was an insecurity that plagued me, and God took special pains to convince and remind me of His love. Looking back, i see that i have become more and more comfortable with myself as i grew in age and in relationship with God.

This perfect love. It has brought so much healing. That someone who knows me even more intimately than i know myself would lavish such love in spite of me.

People say that the closest to this perfect love is a mother's love for a child. I wonder if that's true... i'm so aware of how lacking my love for Glory is, much as i love her. I think in a way, God's teaching me about His love as He teaches me to love Glory.

Why did God create us? To have a relationship with us? But this relationship cost Him so much. And He knew it would. Why did He anyway?
Why did we procreate? When i look within, honestly, i still can't say i've understood it. Now that Glory is here, it's true, i would forgo sleep, i would jump into a lorry's path, i would skimp on myself to care for her, to protect her, to provide for her. But that's from this perspective of having already met, known and loved her.
Glory is "worth it". Does this therefore mean that motherhood is "worth it"?
For something to be "worth it", it means that utility > cost.
The costs are obvious - time, pains, heart aches, loss of freedom, sleep, putting on weight & getting flabby, losing control of schedule, lifestyle, costs, personal pursuits.
The utility? Simply put, it's Glory. What exactly about Glory? No idea. I can't put it down to say, her eyes or her smile. A relationship with her? Then does it mean that those parents with poor relationships with their teenagers should never have given birth to them?
i can't figure out the utility part of the comparative equation. so i can't conclude that motherhood is worth it. If it is, then we should be making babies after babies until marginal utility = marginal cost. (and the govt can try to tilt that equation a little more... c'mon! give us a year's paid maternity! A baby creche at every work place!)
For now, all i know is that Baby Glory is worth it. Would Baby X be worth it? I don't know. On one hand, all babies are precious and therefore Baby X, Baby Ugly, Baby Naughty would all be worth it too. But on the other hand... i don't want Baby X/Ugly/Naughty!
Which means... my love is conditional! Which is bad, considering we're talking about the much espoused "mother's love".
Which got me worried that my flawed love would hurt and damage Glory.
What if she thought she was loved only because she's pretty and quiet and cheery? What if she thought she deserved to be loved only when she meets up to society's standards?
So when i washed her face, i'd sometimes tell her "it's ok to have pimples, it doesn't really matter. you're special and precious anyway." When i was frustrated that she was fretful and refused to sleep, i'd pause and explain that "mummy's just tired, it's not your fault. actually mummy really loves you." And ever so often, just to be safe, "Darling, mummy is still learning how to love perfectly, but mummy's love isn't perfect. Mummy loves you with all i can, but remember, you always always have God's love, and that love is perfect alright? No matter what, remember that God loves you!"
Yes, i'm serious... i tell that to my 6 week-old.

Man, i'm weird.
Using economics theories to figure out creation and motherhood.
Using ihad theories to craft out conversations with my child.
weird.

YOWWwwwww!

Took Glory for a jab on monday.
I was supposed to cuddle her, hold her leg still, and talk to her to distract her while the nurse administered the jab.

She looked at me with those large, sweet eyes, and smiled as i spoke.

i felt like i was cheating her...

i mean, i didn't LIE to her. i was telling her that she's gonna take a jab and that it was good for her, and it'd be fine, but the TONE i was using was deceptive. It was those high-pitch, play-with-me type of tone.
Hence her trusting, relaxed demeanor. Hence her smile.

Then suddenly she wailed.

Ouch.

Sorry darling.

***
Glory's now 6 weeks old. And i'm in love.
I love the feeling of holding her close as i nurse her in bed, the way she snuggles in my bosom after burping. I love looking at her tiny features, and telling her how much i love each part of her, how God made her so beautifully.
I love the way she looks at me, her eyes all bright and smiley. Those moments are so magical - something in those eyes makes me feel she has a wisdom, compassion, understanding, gentleness that's beyond her years (or weeks), a depth that God has made.
Something in those eyes tells me that she knows i love her.
And those eyes are just so magnetic, so tugging, so mesmerizing.
***
On one of the nights, i heard her slurps and went over sleepily to her cot. Now, those guidebooks experts say that night feeds should be kept business-like, with minimal eye-contact and interaction. And i was happy with just proceeding with business as usual- feed, burp,bed. All i wanted was sleep, so i wasn't planning on cooing and playing every 2 hours in the night.

I came to her cot, pushed aside the mozzie net, and entered heaven.

She was wide awake, patiently waiting, and the moment our eyes met she broke into a sweet smile.

Gosh. That's cheating. You don't smile at me like THAT and expect me to proceed with business as usual.

***
As i was saying, i'm in love.
Though i do long for a short break, though i do long for a 4 hour nap, though i do think about carefree holidays, spas, backpacking trips and spontaneous outings... this little girl has snuggled her way into my heart and claimed a permanent spot.

I'm in love.
Every song seemed to be about her. (especially with many songwriters' tendency to use "baby" in their songs. what izzit with them, they in love with ma baby too?)
Danny asked if i tear while watching her sleep. I joked it off.
But actually, sometimes i do.
And sometimes i cry while listening to silly sappy love songs.

Lyrics | Always Be My Baby lyrics

Helpless Baby?

No smiles needed, no gurgles nor words. But she made a usually stoic grandfather smile and babble.
A little slurp, a call for attention, and a sleep-starved mother races to her side, offering a sore, cracked, bleeding nipple willingly into her searching mouth.
And for someone who doesn't even iron her clothes, i'm handwashing her tiny little garments, towels, wash cloth...

Whoever coined the term "helpless baby" has never met Glory. She has us doing things we'd normally not do, and she doesn't even have to ask. If anything's not to her satisfaction, she gives a dissatisfied "Eh!" and expects things to be righted.
"Presumptuous!" I thought, and proceeded to educate her. "Glory, say 'Mama, please may i have some milk'. Not 'Eh!' "
She says "Eh" anyway.
And i feed her anyway.
And then she looks so pleased and satisfied.

She's not helpless i tell ya. She knows what she wants and how to get it.
And strangely, i simply play along.
Somehow we all do.

Oh, the queen beckons again.

Day 21

They aren't kidding when they say motherhood changes you.

And you can't say you won't let it.

Like it or not, it does.

For me, the biggest change was how my life became so out of my control. Weeks before Glory was born, i drew up a timetable for her - when to wake, pray, feed, sing, talk, read the bible, play with toys to help develop her sense of sight etc. I also drew up a list of things i wanted to accomplish - learn to play the guitar, read up on a completely new field, learn Bahasa Malayu and brush up on spoken mandarin, set the End-of-Year exam papers etc etc etc - since babies were supposed to nap like 16 hours a day, i should have all the time in the world for personal development right?

na-ah.

Well the timetable has been put up on the fridge, but it seems like Glory hasn't seen it yet, coz her daily routine is nothing like what i planned.

(at scheduled playtime)

Me: Look at the red ladybird! See, its wings make a crinkly sound! Grab it Glory!

Glory: ZZZzzzzzZZzz

Me: Hey! It's time for hand-eye coordination training! It's not nap time!

Glory: ZZzzzZZzzzz

Or,

(at bedtime)

Me: ZZZzzzzZZzz

Glory: slurp slurp slurp (baby language for I wanna eat)

Me: ZzzzZzzz

Glory: SLURP SLURRP SLLLUUURPPP (ie I WANNA EAT)! Thump! Thump! Thump!(tapping her crib) (baby language for "NOW")

Me: But... it's sleeping time! And you just had milk an hour ago!

Glory: THUMP THUMP THUMP!!! Ehhh!!!!!!

Me: (Surrenders and proceeds to feed her)

So what if i had a timetable drawn up, printed, and displayed on the fridge rite? She can always say she can't read.

Win already lor.

Anyway, i think the blues have passed... there were a couple of weepy and evenings and nights at the beginning. I was frustrated about intrusions of private space and time. I felt miserable that my life has changed so drastically, that i've lost all freedom, that it's gonna be this way for the next decade or more. The stitches were painful, the hemorrhoids were painful, couldn't sit properly, and couldn't poo for a week. Engorgement was painful, and i was so irritated and guilt-striken and miserable whenever anyone said Baby was hungry. And because we weren't allowed to turn the fan on, sleep, when it did come, was uncomfortable and i was drenched in perspiration the whole night.

It's all better now =)

Feeding is easier, though still too long and frequent for my liking, but i've learnt to multitask while feeding. So praying, reading, even eating etc can be done simultaneously with her feeds. Saves time, kills boredom.

Life's less miserable - munch kindly conspired to let me have non-confinement food, bathe normally and go out once in a while. We also sleep with the fan and aircon on =)

Yeah, i know... it's bad for the body, next time will kena rheumatism etc. But better an arthritic knee than an unsound mind right?

Anyway, just pray for good health lor. ;)

Pics!

Glory with Cousin Natalie, who was born exactly 2 weeks after Glory.

Glory trying on the very pretty dress that Aunty Evelyn gave her.

Glory also got to meet Cousin Kate for the very first time! But the pics were all taken using Aunty Evelyn & Small-Grand-Aunty's camera...

Other pressies from Aunty Evelyn, all the way from OZ.

The yummy food that Huiping cooked & bought. And all in disposable containers so we don't have to wash up afterwards! Isn't she a smart and thoughtful darling? =) she even brought DVD and iris along, so i actually had a semblance of a social life that night =)