Our 18th anniversary

On this day 18 years ago, He showed me He's real.
18 years into the relationship, does my life show He's real?

There were seasons of euphoric love, of turtledoves, of banners.
There were seasons of chastisement and pruning.
There were seasons of fruitfulness and miracles and adventures.
There were seasons of pain and dryness, when all i could manage was to cling on to the Hand and Heart that was clinging on to me too.
There were seasons of callousness and carelessness, when the body moved on autopilot, the emotions tried to keep up, and the spirit was just screaming to be heard.

I don't know if it's global warming, or internal cooling, or an age thing, but these days, the seasons aren't quite as clear anymore.

There were tests i always assumed I'd pass with flying colours, but was dumbly stumped and found wanting. There were demons and thorns i had hoped to conquer with decisions and declarations of faith, only to realize that faithfulness and perseverance required faith too- maybe even more faith. 

18 years in, I'd only just begun to realize how narrow the gate is. How costly and rare "tested faith" is.
And I'm more and more aware that i need to work out my salvation with fear and trembling- and that i don't seem to have what it takes.

My only hope is that "with Christ all things are possible".
You did that for me 18 years ago, when you broke through my pride and showed me You are real. Don't let go of me, speak to me in the way that only You know how, the way that makes me know that i know.

God's Glory

Dear Glory,
You turn four today!
Being your mummy has been an awesome journey, and I'm constantly reminded that you belong to God. I'm thrilled and awed by how the Holy Spirit is taking you on your very own spiritual journey, how He has guided you to have such a sweet love for Jesus, how you have your own convictions.
Just a couple of nights ago, we brought you to attend the wake of your grand-uncle. You were visibly indignant that people were praying to "other gods", and even more distraught that yeye and nainai were too. You wanted to walk over to where they were, to ask them not to participate in the rituals, to tell them to believe in Jesus. But I told you that it wasn't a good time to do it.
You listened to my explanations, then assured me that you wouldn't say a thing, and said that you only wanted to stand with yeye and nai nai. I gave you permission, partly because i trusted you to keep your word, and partly because i had a nagging sense that you were on a mission, and i didn't want to be guilty of preventing it, or of quenching the Spirit's work in you.
Having obtained the go-ahead from mummy, you quickly went to yeye, tugged at his hand, and insistently shook your head at him, your big, expressive eyes saying all the words your mouth was forbidden to speak. When I pulled you back a while later,I suggested that we'd pray for them when we got home. But you insisted on praying for them there and then. So we did. After that, you looked at them chanting, and wistfully said, "Jesus is saying to yeye and nainai, to trust in Jesus only."

Did you know, when you were born, Daddy had a feeling that you would be the one who brings yeye and nainai to Christ? I thought at that time that it was just daddy's deep desire projected as a sensing, but now, I'm realising that there's something to it!
I am so awed by your spiritual sensitivity and conviction at your tender age. I wonder what God has planned for you... You obviously have a tender and loving heart towards God, you have a desire to please him- you often talk about wanting to share your toys and food with Jesus ( and you understand that we do that by sharing, especially with the poor and weak) I think you have a Lover's heart. You love praying, you have the most touching childlike faith. You have convictions that are so earnest that even your grandparents respect your beliefs. Eeeeps... Being your mummy is such a sacred and exciting calling!
Remember, darling, your prayer that your heart will "fully be for Jesus". Grow to be a handmaiden of the Lord, aware of His preference, his desires. Wait on Him, listen to Him, stay close to Him. May your heart be always tender, trusting, passionate and yielded to our Jesus. There really is no greater honor!
I am thankful for you, you amazing, gorgeous, loving, funny, obedient, wise little kitten!
Love,
Mummy

Glory at Four
Likes Dora, Team umizumi, little bill, show me show me, blue's clues...
Likes to pretend to be a newborn baby, and speak baby-gibberish. Sometimes a variety of newborn animals.
Likes to peetend to be a teacher, and distribute stickers.
Loves studying- doing worksheets, coloring, tracing, writing.
Likes mushrooms, Chinese food.
Looks forward to getting married to a man who loves God, "someone like daddy". Wants me to remember to throw petals on her gown at her wedding.

Yearnings Unsoothed

Sometimes puzzles, conversations, book, theories, games, songs, even an overdose of sermons are just to prevent thoughts you know you shouldn't have, to distract you from feelings you don't want to have.
Sometimes.
Get me through this please, to the place of complete satisfaction.