Our 18th anniversary

On this day 18 years ago, He showed me He's real.
18 years into the relationship, does my life show He's real?

There were seasons of euphoric love, of turtledoves, of banners.
There were seasons of chastisement and pruning.
There were seasons of fruitfulness and miracles and adventures.
There were seasons of pain and dryness, when all i could manage was to cling on to the Hand and Heart that was clinging on to me too.
There were seasons of callousness and carelessness, when the body moved on autopilot, the emotions tried to keep up, and the spirit was just screaming to be heard.

I don't know if it's global warming, or internal cooling, or an age thing, but these days, the seasons aren't quite as clear anymore.

There were tests i always assumed I'd pass with flying colours, but was dumbly stumped and found wanting. There were demons and thorns i had hoped to conquer with decisions and declarations of faith, only to realize that faithfulness and perseverance required faith too- maybe even more faith. 

18 years in, I'd only just begun to realize how narrow the gate is. How costly and rare "tested faith" is.
And I'm more and more aware that i need to work out my salvation with fear and trembling- and that i don't seem to have what it takes.

My only hope is that "with Christ all things are possible".
You did that for me 18 years ago, when you broke through my pride and showed me You are real. Don't let go of me, speak to me in the way that only You know how, the way that makes me know that i know.