Perfect Love

"I just keep having this feeling that if people really know me, they won't like me."
I remember this conversation with sarah when we were in secondary school. strangely she could identify with what i was saying. Not that we were hiding anything from our friends, we told one another everything and more. We still liked one another. Yet there we were, somehow feeling that we didn't really deserve to be liked.
Perhaps it was because we didn't really like ourselves? We didn't meet the exacting standards that we have set for ourselves?

it was an insecurity that plagued me, and God took special pains to convince and remind me of His love. Looking back, i see that i have become more and more comfortable with myself as i grew in age and in relationship with God.

This perfect love. It has brought so much healing. That someone who knows me even more intimately than i know myself would lavish such love in spite of me.

People say that the closest to this perfect love is a mother's love for a child. I wonder if that's true... i'm so aware of how lacking my love for Glory is, much as i love her. I think in a way, God's teaching me about His love as He teaches me to love Glory.

Why did God create us? To have a relationship with us? But this relationship cost Him so much. And He knew it would. Why did He anyway?
Why did we procreate? When i look within, honestly, i still can't say i've understood it. Now that Glory is here, it's true, i would forgo sleep, i would jump into a lorry's path, i would skimp on myself to care for her, to protect her, to provide for her. But that's from this perspective of having already met, known and loved her.
Glory is "worth it". Does this therefore mean that motherhood is "worth it"?
For something to be "worth it", it means that utility > cost.
The costs are obvious - time, pains, heart aches, loss of freedom, sleep, putting on weight & getting flabby, losing control of schedule, lifestyle, costs, personal pursuits.
The utility? Simply put, it's Glory. What exactly about Glory? No idea. I can't put it down to say, her eyes or her smile. A relationship with her? Then does it mean that those parents with poor relationships with their teenagers should never have given birth to them?
i can't figure out the utility part of the comparative equation. so i can't conclude that motherhood is worth it. If it is, then we should be making babies after babies until marginal utility = marginal cost. (and the govt can try to tilt that equation a little more... c'mon! give us a year's paid maternity! A baby creche at every work place!)
For now, all i know is that Baby Glory is worth it. Would Baby X be worth it? I don't know. On one hand, all babies are precious and therefore Baby X, Baby Ugly, Baby Naughty would all be worth it too. But on the other hand... i don't want Baby X/Ugly/Naughty!
Which means... my love is conditional! Which is bad, considering we're talking about the much espoused "mother's love".
Which got me worried that my flawed love would hurt and damage Glory.
What if she thought she was loved only because she's pretty and quiet and cheery? What if she thought she deserved to be loved only when she meets up to society's standards?
So when i washed her face, i'd sometimes tell her "it's ok to have pimples, it doesn't really matter. you're special and precious anyway." When i was frustrated that she was fretful and refused to sleep, i'd pause and explain that "mummy's just tired, it's not your fault. actually mummy really loves you." And ever so often, just to be safe, "Darling, mummy is still learning how to love perfectly, but mummy's love isn't perfect. Mummy loves you with all i can, but remember, you always always have God's love, and that love is perfect alright? No matter what, remember that God loves you!"
Yes, i'm serious... i tell that to my 6 week-old.

Man, i'm weird.
Using economics theories to figure out creation and motherhood.
Using ihad theories to craft out conversations with my child.
weird.