Looking Back at 2007... A Year of Holding On

2007 wasn't a typical, smooth-sailing year.

It was kinda tough, not particularly a year i'd wanna relive. Yet it was not meaningless, not a year i'd wanna wish away... It doesn't look like much to the visible eyes, yet i think it was a year of inner journey.

It was a year of struggling with ministry, with church, with disillusionment, with missing a mentor. Yet through it all, upon looking back, God never let me walk through it alone, nor let me give up and walk away. He spoke on many occasions, with such clarity, with a demonstration of His power and love (like the shooting star night!) I'm thankful for this... that He allows me to hear Him, that He is faithful, that He loves me. And i'm thankful for the growing that these trials bring.

It was a year of struggling with discouragement at work. Of wishing to be able to do more for my students, make more of a real difference to their lives. Of yearning to see growth, changes, beauty, but feeling the sadness whenever i hear complaints and see ugliness. Perhaps i was too impatient, perhaps i should not have taken Man's assessment to heart, perhaps i have been trying to love with my own strength... whatever it is, i know i have to keep on loving, keep on hoping, keep on praying for them.

It was a year of getting used to married life. Well, munch is probably already the easiest person in the world to live with, yet it was really hard for me to get used to being married and away from the family i grew up with. Compounded with my "dry season" and work stress, i was rather blue. I thank God for Ps Tiak, who prayed for me and took time to meet up with me. I thank God for friends and their love and concern and prayers and their fellowship. And i thank Munch for being the unselfish, loving, patient husband he is. And i'm thankful for the growing that this journey brings.

It was a year of desires and plans ... hoping to change the world, even checking out the possibility of serving in some grassroot organisation. Considered pursuing a Masters Degree, even checked out the possiblity of a 2 years' full time study stinct, looked into the application, and even started preparing to take the GRE. But perhaps the time is not right yet? Perhaps i should play my part in some other ways? Perhaps... Perhaps...... Perhaps.....
Suddenly, the wondering ceased, coz it became...

A year of morning sickness. And THAT story has been told too many times, i'm sick of my own whining. Yet with this "torture", i learnt much too. About God's love, mother's love, courage, life... and there's so much more learning to come.

Oh, and with that, 2007 also became the year i reverted to flat shoes.
Uh-huh.
After years of walking on heels and stilts platforms, i'm back to flats/semi-flats.

Six pairs of (almost) flats...

believe me, it was hard shopping for shoes like these. It went against all my instincts. but ah well... what did i tell u about mother's love...

Au revoir, 2007! I'm thankful for all that you were!

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Worth it?

i finally realised.
there's no necessity for things to be "worth it".
we weren't worth it either, but Jesus did it anyway.
it's love i guess.

perhaps that's the kind of love parents have?

no more cost counting.
Love just tilts things.


*Love changes, changes everything...*

oh, it's a girl, by the way =) =)
Doc says 80% confirm, unless it's a boy with errrrmmm... late development.

and i'm glad!!
coz munch n i sat at vivocity counting naughty kids, and there were 6 naughty boys to 2 naughty girls.

=)

Very Grown Up

Part 1: My Coming Out

After numerous comments that i don't look pregnant, i decided to do something about it. i mean, i only intend to be pregnant once, so i might as well enjoy the full benefits of preggies, rite?

So last Wednesday, i put on maternity clothes and went to town on the NEL.

c'mon, this is an obviously pregnant look right?

But no one gave up seats for me =( =(

i tried rubbing my tummy to look extra preggy, but still...

So we pigged out on a HUGE burger.

and with a newly bloated tummy, got on the train again.

Still no "Aunty, you want to sit down?"

=(

But later on, as the train started to empty, i spotted an empty seat. I started to walk towards it, but noticed another lady also eyeing it, so i stopped.

but... she looked at me, glanced down at my tummy, and gesticulated that i should sit down.

hehehehe

experiment (kinda) worked!!!!

i was so happy that i kept grinning stupidly at munch and giggling.

i almost wanted to ask the lady to take a pic with me, but... errrr... well, i didn't.

Yay! i'm officially "someone who needs the seat more than you do"!!!

Part 2: HDB Branch Office!

then on friday, we finally collected our car!

and (... i dunno why i find this very grown up, but i do.... ) i poked out a parking coupon, displayed it on the dashboard, and queued at the HDB Branch Office for half an hour!

WwWwwhHHHheeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEeee!!!

So, are you coming back?

Can't sleep... perhaps it's the BaBaoCha at Sichuan DouHua.

i tried very hard to wake munch up to keep me company.

i nudged, prodded, poked, tapped, and even made strange noises (car horn, cat, trrrrrrr, brrrrrrrrr, cow, dog, lizard, burp) to no avail.

Yes, i am THAT irritating. =)

But apparently munch's immune.

So here i am, blogging.

**********************

LY asked me just now if i'd be returning to Kidz. And she asked me how i felt about it.....

Aghhhhhhh

How do i feel about it???

Very very mixed...

==========================

First, I'm appalled by how "easily" i can let it slip outta my life. Hey this is/was something i sooooo believe in. I'd give up a job that gets in the way of "raising a generation of God-loving children who would be a blessing to all". I'd give up clubbing and bumming. I'd give up holidays and money and whatever else for it. I could be ill and voiceless but i'd still go and run a party.

And then Morning Sickness comes along and i am soundly defeated??

Sheez.... Is that all my passion/goal/life/calling/dream was worth???

And then.... i have to admit i'm kinda glad to have Saturdays free. I'm secretly (ok, now, openly) glad i don't have to rush to prepare the program/ teaching materials/ worship. I'm kinda glad i have a schedule-free day in the week, where i don't have to battle the puking and attend to things.

Which at the same time makes me feel very guilty. I honestly cannot cope with it physically - as it is, conversations with adults are already such huge exertions, one praise song is more than i can heartily sing, and walking to the bus stop already zaps half my life.HOW am i ever gonna animatedly tell a story to a bunch of primary school kids, lead them in jumpy-dancy worship, teach the Word with impact AND take them out for games and break up any fights that come along with it?

Yet i feel like i'm skiving. Everyone else is pouring in everything to build the church, to serve others, stepping out of their comfort zone, going the extra mile, serving in many ministries. And then here i am, ministry-less. And i feel bad that the team has to cope with one less person. That they don't get a rest day like i do. That i am one of those who promised to be here for good, but left them high and dry.

*******

So yeah, that's how i feel about my situation regarding Kidz.

Mixed.

Appalled and disgusted by myself, yet helpless to do anything.

Secretly enjoying the free day, and guilty that i am secretly enjoying it.

Mixed.

++++++++

And this whole pregnancy thing... it's such a mixed thing too. Really, the world's been overstating the good parts and hiding the bad.

So i tried being a renegade and warn others against getting preggy, and earned myself many dirty looks from parents (whom i believe are deluded/forgetful/untruthful/ trying to convince themselves that it's worth it).Even non-parents have bought into the "it's worth it" talk, and they laugh at my hypothesis like i'm kidding.

=< =< =<

Actually i don't really know if i'm kidding. And i don't know if it's evil of me to convince others not to give birth.

So i suppose it's safest to give the politically correct answer and say

"it's hard work, but it's a blessing, and is worth it i'm sure".

haiz... okae, perhaps i shall conform.

Next time anybody asks, i shall just give the pat answer.

Eee... i am a chao conformist.

A Careless Lover

The morning meal is set on the table.
Easily.
I've done this before.

Sit with You while eat. This is supposed to be my offering.
Easily.
It's worked before.

See You to the door, cursory peck on the cheek.
Easily.
That's what lovers do.

So i've done the rites.
The rest of the day is mine, then?

I paint my nails, i eat my fill.
I read the mags You've never fancied.

I let no other men into the house.
I've been faithful, then?

----------
Please don't become just a way of life.
Please don't become just a set of rules.
Please don't become a system of thinking.
Please don't become a just legend, a storybook hero.
You are my Lover, my Master, my Best Friend.
Please help me remember when i forget.

Mes Amis =)

Meet me friends.
They aren't from around here.

A Year On... 11.11.2007

Thanks...

• I enjoyed our breakfasts, and i am thankful for the way you are always appreciative.
• for taking out the trash for an entire year.
• for coming to my rescue and killing cockroaches and lizards.
• When i was homesick, you listened, emphatised and took me back to Seletar for stay-overs.
• for tolerating my weird half-the-bed rule, yet never protesting when i break it =)
• when i ask for strange food, you choose to see it as fun and cute, instead of just plain troublesome and irritating.
• for getting up to shut the windows when it rains at night.
• for going to the gynae with me EVERY time.
• for allowing me to skip some wedding banquets.
• for buying dinner/breakfast for me when i am too lazy to leave the house.
• for never getting mad at me when i am late.
• for telling me i'm beautiful ever so often (even on fat n frumpy days)
• for chatting with me in the middle of the night when i couldn't fall asleep.
• for the weird, ridiculous, nonsensical SMSs. And for understanding my weird, ridiculous,nonsensical SMSs.
• for the walks.
• for hunting down Fruit Tips Fruit Gums.
• for the baby lappy, and the suzuki swift.
• for helping me with SchoolCockpit!!!
• for saying you don't mind my boring pregnant routine.
• for listening to and comforting and encouraging me when i'm frustrated with being preggy.
• for letting me have the nicer bathroom. And almost the entire wardrobe. And shoe space.
• For bringing me dinner/ fruit juice when i had to stay late in school.
• for picking me up from the bus stop/ MRT station.
• for your faithfulness, for being a friend, for being my husband.

And you still think you've not given me anything????

=)

You're the BEST!

It's my Bloggie and i'll Cry if i Want to!

An hour out of the house drains my energy.




Like a mobile phone with a faulty battery.




Which limits me to just school and home.




I'm sick n tired of this boring lifestyle.




Can't go anywhere, can't do anything.




Day in day out, everything's the same.




Puke here.




Sit here.




Drink this.

(raspberry vodka? i wish. It's just ribena.)


Eat this.




Rest here.




Lie here, and try to sleep.




That's been my life since ... the last century.
Everyday's just EXACTLY the same.




AAAAAAgGgGHHhhHHh.



So dreary. i soo long to be out of this misery. have a lil bit of whiskey n drift into slumber. Fall asleep for the next 6 months so i won't be conscious of it all.



=( But Babies dun take well to alcohol. =(



Meanwhile, poor Munch has the most boring wife in the world.


I refuse to go out (other than our neighbourhood kopitiams), i refuse to catch a movie, i get tired walking from the bus stop, and i make irritated/irritating grunts through the night.


See la! Want to have baby la...

Aren't YOU glad you don't have to live with me?? So the next time you see munchy, give him a pat on the back.

-+-+-+-+

Yeah i know, people always say "when you see the baby, you'll find all these worth it." yes... which is why i really wanna plant a CCTV in my womb so i can keep looking...



Ah well... who knows, one day i may look back and think this is funny.









Lord, if You are willing, You can make me well!!!!!
Please lae...

A Serious Discourse on Korean Drama

Recently watched 2 Korean Serials.

"Gung" (Princess Hours)
was a story of a girl who married into the Korean royal family. She had to endure a lack of freedom, strict rules and protocols, being apart from her family and friends, learning to love a Prince who was distant and cold, being maligned and sent away for the sake of the monarchy. Yet mainly because of a sense of responsibility to her country/family, she stuck with it.

"The Witch Yu Hee"
was about this SuperB* Yu Hee who bullied a guy (Chae Moo-ryung) into being her love-coach and maid. Moo-ryung neglected his girlfriend, had to give up his overseas studies and several rare opportunities to pursue his dreams of being a top chef - just to be her love-coach and maid.
Along the way, he fell in love with Yu Hee and broke up with his long-suffering girlfriend. There were many obstacles too, mainly masterminded by Yu Hee's father, who disapproved of their relationship. Finally, they overcame the problems, and the last scene was those oft-used airport scene. ( Heartbroken Boy leaving for US to pursue his dreams. Looks around airport hoping to see Girl. Girl, finally changes her mind and has to rush to the airport within impossibly short time. By the time she gets there, Boy not found. Sad. Suddenly Boy reappears. They hug and kiss.)

Throughout the show, i kept opposing the two getting together.
Somehow it just doesn't feel right to me.
Wei...Chae Moo-ryung was so irresponsible can!!! He had a girlfriend, and his girlfriend was so understanding. How could he take her for granted? Why didn't he guard his heart?
Plus, Yu Hee hasn't really changed much where it really matters! She only managed to dress better and behave better, but she was the same self-centered person inside!!! Did she care that Moo-ryung had to give up his opportunities? Did she care that his girlfriend was hurt, and their relationship was suffering? Na-ah! She only cared that she had help when she needed, company when she needed, fake-boyfriend when she needed! And when her dad got her company bankrupt and her personal belongings were in danger of being repossessed? She told Moo-ryung it's all because of him and told him to leave her house. And to irk me further, because she turned up at the airport for the closing scene, Moo-ryung once again missed the chance to go to US and pursue his dreams of being a top chef. *fumes* I think i care more about Moo-ryung's future than she does ok! That supercilious self-centred girl. Grrrr...

So, because i don't agree with the values of this show, i hereby declare that The Witch Yu Hee is LOUSY!!!!!!

what's with this "Do what i want, love who i want" culture anyway.

I won't let my kid(s) watch this show.

I'll let them watch Gung, coz the values are right. Plus, Cai-Jin and Shin are so cutely prudish. Good for kids to grow up with shows like this rather than the usual Hollywood jump-into-bed-with-anyone shows.

Yah. I want my kids to be prudish too. =P

[By the way, during CG last night, we concluded that i've got a future prof/PM/nerd in my womb, coz suddenly i enjoy listening to BBC and 92.4]

[By the way, i find that Moo-ryung kinda looks like WJJ. hehe.]

[By the way, staring at the computer screen has made me pukey again.]

[By the way, i'm becoming very good at puking. I can sense when it's coming, i can do it without my hair getting in the way, I can plan my Folic Acid pill around my puking schedule. Clever anot?]

On Alfian Sa'at, Thio Li Ann and Gay Lib

This Alfian Sa'at v Thio Li Ann thing is so beside the point.
Does the rudeness of one man discredit his camp's campaign? No. So leave it already.

And then the Pro-Repeal Camp jumps in on this and some try to find means to discredit Thio Li Ann. The number of sites ridiculing her is astounding. Some of them are quite funny to read, if you are on the pro-repeal side. Many of them having no real persuasive value nor logical value. Saw some calls to "expose her", asking people to dig up dirt on her....

Like... errr....and how would that help their cause?

Scare her silly and get her out of parliament so that no one else dares to voice up against the pro-repeal camp again?

Isn't this Alfian Sa'at v Thio Li Ann thing completely beside the point?

****
Personally, I've been on both sides of the fence.
In my secondary school days, I've written pro-gay-lib letters and supported their cause. My logic was, just as we do not prescribe that a Chinese must love and marry a Chinese, we should not prescribe that a man must love and marry a woman. It's a matter of personal choice.
"Plus," I told my mother, "We won't have to worry about teenaged pregnancy."
My mother could understand my reasoning. Yet i never managed to get her to agree with me.
"But it's against nature," was my mother's only rebuttal.
I thought that was lame.
Why should we abide by "Nature"? Anti-aging cream was against nature too.
*****
When i became a Christian, i found that homosexuality was not right according to the bible.
So while i was mindful of how logical my own beliefs seemed to me, i opened my mind to the idea that God, being the creator, would have the final say on what's right and what's not.

"Illumination!" Christians would say.
"Regression!" Pro-Repeal folks would say.
*****

So I think the twain shall never meet. Some may switch sides along the way, but if the issue is on "Morality-as-God-Intended" vs "Equality/Freedom of choice", there's no sitting on the fence.

So I suppose that is why the "middlemen" would have to take the stance of "Is the public ready/ what is good for society for now".

Which can never truly satisfy either camps.
But which'll have to do, i guess.
******

Has the recent debate done any good?
I think it benefitted the Pro-repeal Camp.
They got to voice their views, they manged to stir up quite a lot of publicity, which is important for people fighting for the ideology of "Equality". They've now established a good platform to further propogate their cause by reaching out to the community to raise awareness and understanding.

For the "Morality-as-God-intended" folks, I think it didn't do much good at all, simply because i think that we can't win hearts through arguments. It's human nature to prefer removing boundaries to establishing boundaries. It takes illumination, revelation, a personal conviction, to cause someone to want to give up his own preferences/choice/desires.

So while this was a fort we had to stand strong to defend, it was merely defense. To move forward, i believe we need to love more, pray more, care more. Listen more, understand more, yet be rooted in the Word. Build up the family unit. Help others build up their family unit.Speak with gentleness and love (Not picket at people's funeral). They are NOT our enemies, they are the people we are called to love.


"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

A morning conversation with my Potter

Woke up this morning feeling rested. Upon checking the clock, i realized i managed to sleep for almost 4 continuous hours! Plus, I wasn't feeling pukey, i actually felt well!! Happily thanked God.

I wanted to nudge the sleeping munch and ask him, "Ay, Righteous Man, you prayed for me ah?"

But I felt God calling me to speak with Him first.

So i struggled with God. Over my heart.
He won.
I asked Him to add water to my hardened clay. There were so many unyielding knots. Yet, I know He IS the potter. I am the clay.
Can i say to Him, "Please, i don't want to be used in hard labour. I don't want to be something that doesn't see fruits fast. I want it to be just fun and light work."?
No. He is the potter.

So i confessed my unyieldedness and put myself into His hands.

Will settled, and heart surrendered, I asked Him about ministry.

He gave me 3 + 3 persons to love.

What does that mean?

Do first, then I'll understand.

(ermmmm... so, please dun ask me yet kae? thanks for your patience so far...)

For the Love of ONE Madman

It was a long day. Jesus had spent the day teaching multitudes about the kingdom of heaven. (And we who teach should know how exhausting that would be. )
Yet, He didn't check into an inn for some shut-eye. He didn't say, "That's it for today!" and take a well-deserved rest. He still had something important to do. Important enough for him to forego rest. Important enough for him to cross the lake (no, it wasn't "along the way").
He was so tired that he would have slept through the squall, had his disciples not waken him up.
And when he finally got there, he delivered and ministered to a demon-possessed man.
Then he crossed the lake again, and continued healing and ministering to people - the lady with the blood problem, the girl who died....

****
What is man, that You are mindful of us?
Why were You always able to love others more than Yourself?
How is it You could give and love, even when we hurt and despise You?

Jesus is like that.
I need to grow in Christ-likeness.

****
Last Sunday, Pastor Tiak mentioned something about being discouraged, and returning to fishing for fish, instead of fishing for men.

Struck me.

For some time, i have been more conscious of the fleshly world than the spiritual realm.
Life has never been so mundane.
Why like that???
This mustn't go on.
Walk with your feet on the ground, but with eyes on the spiritual realm, girl. You know that's the only way to live.
****
When swamped by morning sickness and ill health, pregnancy seems to be just about that yucky miserable feeling.
Yet when i get to see Baby, when i see Baby grow, move, dance,
The perspective changes.

Haven't been keeping my eyes on the vision.
Need your perspective to be reloaded again, Lord.
****
A thousand times I’ve failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I’m caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never endingYour glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out…

*****
Jesus, would You cross the lake and come rescue me again?
This One Mad Girl?
Change me from the inside out, draw me closer to you, never let me take my eyes off You and Your Kingdom.

Baby's a Dancer!

Just got back from the gynae, and today, Baby's much bigger - about 2.5 cm!

Was really down (and weepy =P ) from the physical ordeals this week, but the moment Baby appeared on the screen, it all felt worthwhile.

Dr Joycelyn pointed out the heartbeat, and while we were marvelling at how much Baby has grown, Baby surprised us with a little dance!

First the arms/legs/body,

then the head started bobbing too!!!!!

=) =)

For those who were from Kidz Club from waaayyyy back, it kinda reminded me of Munch's caterpillar crawl =)

I soooo wish to put a lil CCTV camera inside me, so i can watch Baby dance all the time.

Love him/her!!

No video of the dance to share, but here's the latest pic!!

a closer look...

he/she has grown so much since the last picture right!

Tak Boleh Tahan... How long more???

Been feeling really uncomfy these days. ='(

Can't sleep at night, exhausted through the day. Digestive system doesn't quite work, stomach's weird all the time. The toilet bowl got half of my shangri-la dinner. The toilet bowl gets everything apple-ish that i eat too. Innocuous smells, even nice smells, make me gag. And i'm pukey and burpy throughout the day, without break. And it feels so lousy i just want to curl up in bed all by myself till the first trimester passes.

Super miserable.
I want to feel healthy again. =(

I am SOOOOOOO not gonna have another child. Can't imagine having to go through everything again...
Help me to persuade Munch lae. He wants THREE!!!

=O

But really, women all over the world survived this... and even had like, 12 kids!!! How in the world do they cope??? Plus they may even have to work in the padi field throughout their first trimester. *shudder*
And i thought i was a tough gal.

Now i really appreciate my mummy. She used to say that she should be the one being honoured on our birthdays and not us. I used to think she was being weird as usual (in a good way). But now... it kinda makes sense...

ROAR! When it's Baby's Birthday, I'M GONNA GET THE PREZZIES!!!!

... and when it's my birthday...
Mummy, i'm taking you out!

Hui Ping's Married!

Contemplating...

Baby's First Picture

Went to the gynae yesterday and we saw our baby! Saw the funny shapeless form, the heartbeat and the doctor measured his/her height.... 10.2mm!!

That's like half the length of my fingernail, and yet, it contains a heart and a brain. So bafflingly amazing!

Anyway, here's baby's first pic!

For the uninitiated, the baby's the white blob floating in the black water bag.

Quick, tell me that's the cutest baby you've ever seen!

=)

Weird Babies, Geeky babies.

Had a nice time with the gals yesterday. It was Huiping's last Sunday as Miss Peck!
And she's supposed to hurry up and get herself pregnant too.
Coz we're supposed to be pregnant together, buy maternity clothes together, deliver together, let our kids swim together etc.
Jeanette decided that both peck and i will have weird kids.
She says she'll tell her kids not to play with ours.
Well, but then her kids are gonna be geeky kids coz Harold likes geeky kids.
And I think Weird Kids and Geeky Kids will still be friends.
=)

Hippity-Hoppity... a puke-free day! =)

A happy respite, a beautiful day!

Last night, my nausea lifted during P&P! It was the first time I felt normal in the last 2 weeks, and gosh, it’s glorious! =) All through the day, right up to now, I’ve been feeling mostly fine, except for small pockets of nausea here and there, but boy, do I treasure these past 16 hours or so!

And to add on to this hippity-hoppity-happity day, someone left these 2 cute lil babies on my desk!

I like the one on the left! So super cute!

Later I found out that it was Anne who gave me the pics. She had those pics at her desk when she was pregnant, and decided to pass them to me so I can look at cute babies often. People kinda say that if a preggy looks at cute babies often, her baby will be cute as well… I checked out pics of her babies – Daniel and Asher, and they’re both duper-cute, so maybe it works ;)

***

The tortures of the first trimester have been really draining so far.
I get morning sickness through the day, almost EVERY moment. My energy level dives – a simple day in school leaves me exhausted. Reading, using the computer, watching TV leaves me giddy and weak.
I have trouble sleeping at night - almost every hour, i wake up feeling just plain uncomfortable and frustrated.
I have horrendous food aversion. Even the thought of food makes me wanna cry and throw up. Yet, i have to make sure i get enough nutrients daily. Oh the torture of eating… followed by the torture of keeping the food in.
And I’m so super burpy, it’s like I’ve got an orchestra of frogs in me.

It's really weird for me... I'm so used to having a healthy body that rarely gives me any trouble. Now with all these first trimester symptoms, it's like having to learn to deal with a new, weak, perpetually sick body. What used to be simple is now a major exertion for the strange new weak pukey me.
Feels almost crippling, really.


The doctor said that i could go get an MC to rest when i need to. But this is quite different from a normal stomach upset, or flu, or sore throat, where a dose of medicine and a day of rest can solve the problem. This is gonna be with me perhaps for the next 6 weeks.

So i'm really unwilling to cut myself too much slack. If i succumb to an MC now, doesn't it mean over the next 6 weeks i'd constantly need to go on medical leave? If i cut myself too much slack now, doesn't it mean i'm just gonna slack through the next 7 months?

Seems like the only way to deal with this is to learn to cope with this strange new body - get accustomed to its weakness and weirdness, learn to force-feed myself nutritious food and psycho myself to keep the food in. Get used to the pukey feeling, and learn to go about daily duties in spite of it.

Or,

pray and ask God for a morning-sickness-free pregnancy. =)

***

meanwhile, my colleagues have been so sweet. =) their words of comfort, support, advice, sharing their own experiences, their offers of practical help... and zf who drove me out to buy lunch and back to school again.... it really does make a difference to a dreary day!

i feel so blessed!! =) =)

***

Oh, the one thing that marred this hippity-hoppity-happity day was…. Ermmm… Ifelldownthismorning… *blush*
Baby’s alright though, my hip/arm/knee took the rap.

But I guess it’s a clear warning for me to go shoe-shopping soon!

Embargoed News!

Been feeling pukey all this week, the feeling comes and go, rather frequently. Munch had to deal with several episodes of Jekyll n Hyde..





We'd be talking happily...





=)



"chat chat chat chat...."




When suddenly...










*face change*






=(






"Wait. Don't talk to me for awhile. I feel pukey"

***

It felt as if i was constantly having motion-sickness, and after a tiring day/ reading/ using the computer for awhile, it gets worse.



As it frequently happens, i always seem to feel unwell at crucial times: This week was the last teaching week before the Sec 4NAs go for their N Levels, and the Sec 3s go for their EOY exams.





I tried to let it pass without taking sick leave, but it just didn't pass.

***

So i finally went to the doc's. When i told the doctor about my discomfort, he quizzed me about the usual...


"diarrhoea?"

"no."





"pregnant?"

"no."







"fever?"

"no."







He did the "press-press-pain-or-not?" thing and could find nothing wrong.








Then he started asking me "psychological" questions.







"Nothing's wrong with your stomach. No inflammation...Sure you're not pregnant?"

"Sure"




"Are you stressed? Troubled lately? Sometimes these could be triggered by stress."

"No, i'm not very stressed."







"Nothing happened recently? Big changes? Very busy marking books?"

"Errr.. busy, but it's normal busy."







I was rather annoyed... i was sure it wasn't psychosomatic, i was sure i 've been unwell the whole week, and why couldn't the doctor diagnose what was wrong?






"Hmmm... then i want to go back to the possibility of pregnancy. Why are you so sure you aren't pregnant?"




I gave my "reasons" and was greeted with an incredulous look - apparently my reasons were absurd. (Basically along the lines of "so hard to get pregnant, where got so lucky one")






So he did a test for me, and ... voila!
















we're pregnant! =)

***

i know people usually embargo such news till 3 months into the pregnancy... but really, why do people do that??

After all, the Baby is already created by God (perhaps 6 weeks ago)!!







The doctor said that with all pregnancies, there is a 15% chance of not making it through the first trimester.







But that, to me, is not a valid reason for silence... i mean, the baby is already right... here *beams*. Isn't it right that we all acknowledge this miraculous creation, this miraculous gift?






Even if something happens to him/her later on, it can never take away the fact that he/she's here right now! =)













God made, God sees, God loves, God thinks about, God is with my Baby!! =)

***

Psalm 139

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.
***

Increase in HDB mortgage rate soon?

Been wondering if the HDB mortgage rate would go up along with the increased CPF interest rate.
Checked and found this article, which says the next revision would be in January 2008. Based on their usual practice of charging mortgage interest at 0.1% above their interest rate, does it mean our CPF mortgage rate would go up by 1 percent too??

Sharks. Shoots.
My loan is greater than what i have in CPF.
=(

Hope not.
Has anything been announced yet?

Lemongrass Overdose

On Monday, i stepped into the staff room and was hit by yet another pang of Phuket nostalgia.... I even thought i could smell the lemongrass!
The smell was so real that i could follow its trail like a bloodhound...
and i found this.


the Staff Welfare Committee put an air-purifier in the staffroom.
And... The scent du jour was Lemongrass!!I was elated!

Did someone in SWC read my blog/MSN display name mind ? hmmm...
(hehehe, yes, the world revolves around me)


Happily, i borrowed the bottle and added a little to my homeroom air-purifier too!
Was great for a while. Ever so often, i would stand near the air purifier and take several deep breaths.
Instant getaway.

Sadly, barely 2 days passed, and the Magic of Lemongrass has been destroyed.
Now, the smell simply fades into the background of my consciousness, and when i strain to catch a whiff of it, it no longer invokes memory of a sweet holiday, but just... well, staff room and home room and provision for doubtful debts.


HAiz.

Are You a Fake?

Tired, doubtful, disappointed, but feel you have to put up an OK front for others' sake?

Joy in service diminishing?

Finding church and all its peripherals too much trouble - dying to cut back to the bare minimal?

Tempted to leave it all?

Detecting something fake within your heart? In the church?

Read this book!

Faking Church by Dan Schaeffer.

A good read!

He suggests that a "fake spirituality", a fake Christian walk, a fake church starts insidiously. The original intent may be pure, but along the way, seeds of defection set in. And as more and more of us get tainted, the church gets tainted. (little wonder, then, why so many leave the church, but not the faith.)

I'm still in the middle of it, and already i have been made aware of the numerous "seeds of defection" in my heart. So many symptoms i can identify with, so many examples that read like they were taken from my life.

Well, if the first step to transformation is recognition of my problem, i think i'm on the first step...So ugly!

haven't reached the solution part though. Geesh.

Can't wait...

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Amen

A Whiff of Lemongrass

So overdue, but still so close to my mind....

The lovely Phuket trip in June.

I'm a scrooge, so i put everyone on a Tiger Airways flight...

But once we got there, it was luxury all the way~~~~!!!

(thanks to Dad's friend!!)

A private ferry to take us to our duplex villa.

Step outta the room, into the pool!

View from our roof top massage hideout.

Great view in the room and bathroom (with private jacuzzi) too!







Yummy surprises delivered to our duplex ever so often =)
And our choice of aromatherapy scent each night!


people i love.
Kor, next time make sure u join us!!



Mummy, with a pyramid of rice.


Our daily freeflow cocktail and snacks!
We downed Magheritas and Bloody Mary's and champagne and wine everyday. Decadence!

Khian... still thinks he can fly.

Sigh... at least he no longer tells us the security guards are trailing him.

At Patong Area. Ermmmm...

Khian n Munch, our secret hor!!!!!

Similan Island... =)

Ahhh.... a piece of heaven.

Now I use a lemongrass-scented conditioner.

Somehow it takes me a lil closer to Phuket, to holidays, to leisure, to daddy n mummy n khian.

Better than a swig of whiskey to take me away from the humdrum of school.

Sooooo looking forward to the next holiday! Nothing fanciful, we're trying to get our retirement funds in order before we splurge....

The next trip'll probably be to Chiangmai with Ray n YT n Munch... we're gonna visit Brighton Chiangmai Church!! =) =)

And, perhaps, a trip to Vietnam with the gals?

I can't wait for the hols...

sigh... am i just lazy, or did God make me an uber-leisure-loving woman?

If only my job and calling in life is to go for holidays.

If only...

My Silent Scream...

Runaway Train ~ Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep, there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

[Chorus:]
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

[Chorus]
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

[Chorus]
Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same
= = = @ @ @ = = = @ @ @ = = =
This song seems to be my silent scream right now... Why?
I don't know yet...
Rushing off to meet someone...
perhaps later i'll slow down...
and wallow a little...
and ask God...
and then, who knows,
i may understand me...

Reflections: The Discipline of Service

One great thing about having time off from work is that i get to immerse myself deeply and slowly in God's word and reflect - allowing my mind to be renewed not with worldly wisdom, but to allow His word and the Holy Spirit to convict me and correct me...
And man, do i need loads of corrections!

Was listening to Ps Benny's sermon on "The Discipline of Service" and was struck by his contrast of true service vs self-centred service.

1. Self-centred service is unduly concerned about impressing others. A sign of this would be a concern about numbers, size, scale, grandeur. Another symptom would be a tendency to somehow keep an eye on whether anyone's watching us serve, to manipulate it such that whenever we are serving, people who count see it or know it. We are only happy when our service is noticed.
True service says, "Don't look at me, look at my God." Like, when Peter raised Tabitha from the dead. Raising someone from the dead IS a big deal. Someone who serves selfishly would probably have released a few DVDs, write a few books, speak at many seminars, run a course on 7 Ways of Raising People from the Dead etc. But Peter did it quietly, then, as if nothing happened, stayed at Simon the tanner's house for a few days. How ordinary, without any fanfare.

2. Self-centred service demands to serve. When i feel like it, when i feel it is my time, i demand to serve in the place i want to. It is based not on the needs of those i am serving, but on my feelings of wanting to serve.
True service is given freely when needed, and can be withheld when not needed.

3. Self-centred service is love for the service, true service is love for the people you serve. Ps Benny spoke about how one day, Ps Kong Hee shared with him that City Harvest is a strong church because his sheep know that he is willing to lay down his life for them. Ps Benny reflected and found that he was willing, instead, to lay down his sheep for his life! And he realized that he loved what he was doing to them - preaching, teaching etc, rather than actually loving them. And that realisation prompted him to change.

It was this point that struck me.
How true indeed.

Do i love the kids such that i am willing to lay down my life for them?
Do i love my students such that i am willing to lay down my life for them?
Do i love my CG such that i am willing to lay down my life for them?

Or do i just love "playing" kids ministry, "playing" teacher, "playing" CG and church?

True service IS sacrificial and selfless.
Jesus was a true servant.
He laid down His life for me.
I want to learn to be a true servant too.

Holidays and Princess Grace

Choir camp is over.
My invigilation duties for the week are over.
I relish the luxury of sitting at a cafe, finishing up a good book, typing on my Baby Lappy on a lovely weekday morning.
Thank you, God, for everything.
For my family, all you've given me, safety and health, friends...
***
when everything appears pretty, like now, it's easy to feel that "happily ever after" has started.
Yet, it hasn't really.

Just read an email update from Grace in Chiang Mai.
And it was so moving to see her battle so courageously.
She's such a princess in appearance - pretty, pink, girly.
But wow, her tenacity and yieldedness to God is the stuff heroes are made of.

A very human, protective, cowardly, satan-inspired (like peter) instinct in me wants to say to her, "Enough, come back and rest for awhile. You've done enough for the people there, you've done enough for God there. You deserve to rest, there are so many others who should also be obliged to go, so many others who haven't sacrificed like you did." It sounds reasonable, but it reeks of satan.

But not her. Her email had nothing of the whiny voice of Self-Pity. Nothing of the bitter voice of Resentment. Nothing of the cowardly whimpers of Quitter.

Right in our midst, we have an example to follow.

A warrior, a faithful lover of God.

What a beauty. What an inspiration.

Fight on, dear sister.
Your labour in the Lord is never in vain.
May every tear, every sacrifice, every pain result in a multiplied harvest.
May you, as you labour, see with eyes of faith the reward that is yours in heaven.
May the abiding presence of the Holy Spirit be your friend and help and comfort.

And, we're with you too.

Munch gave me a Baby Laptop!!!! =)

My long-awaited Baby Laptop is here!
Yeah, i know, it's supposed to be called "UMPC", but i think "Baby Laptop" suits it better.

See how small it is next to a normal-sized laptop!
Adorable rite!!!



You can swivel the screen, and it becomes a tablet!!
And it fits into my handbag!

I like it very much!!
Ever since Edwin bought his, i've been yearning for mine.
It's so portable, it fits into my bag, and ..... IT'S JUST SO ADORABLE!!
Yet i couldn't quite say i NEED it. I just want it. Coz it's cute.
And munch got it for me!!!! =) =) He's cute too!!! =) =)

I think i wanna get a nice case for my cutey lappy. The original case is white, and i soooo know that i'm gonna dirty it soon.
Anyone knows where i can find nice ones?


Pictures from www.kohjinsha.com.sg
Product specs can be found there too, if you are interested in adopting a baby yourself! =)

Of Eyes and Heart.

The Eyes
It's so easy to think we are seeing, when we are not. And then we get frustrated in the process, coz we lose sight of the REAL goal and the REAL battle.
At the Christian Teachers' TDay Conference today, i was reminded that our struggle is NOT against flesh and blood - students, parents, time, colleagues nor systemic flaws. Our war is against the darkness and godlessness that is trying to attack our youths.
Our struggle is not with kids acting up and fighting, or us getting discouraged or tired or ill or otherwise preoccupied on saturday afternoons.
Our struggle is not against frustrations in ministry, hurts in our hearts, people who would wound us to get their way.
Our Fight goes beyond what our eyes can see, we need the eyes of our hearts.
We need to see that we are in a great divine story, we need to know which scene we're at so we don't get perplexed or thrown off.

As Gandalf describes the tale,
"Fate has chosen him.
A fellowship will protect him.
Evil will hunt him."

Evil will hunt us. That's where we are now. It's not quite the "happily ever after" part yet.
And whether or not we perceive with the eyes of our hearts does matter - If i feel the discouragement and weariness in my heart, and try to reason it with the eyes, i'd say i need a break, i've been in this for too long, i'm not the right person for the job. i'd look for a way outta here.
But if i perceive with the eyes of my heart, i'd recognize the battle and say "get thee behind me, Satan". I'd gird up my loins, be focused and alert.I'd stand stronger.
So my dear me, take a good look, and SEE those issues for what they really are. Put on your spiritual armour, and pray!

The Heart

The Tin Woodman's story...
Nick Chopper used to make his living chopping down trees in the forests of Oz. He worked hard in order to fulfill his greatest desire: to marry the love of his life, a Munchkin maiden.
The Wicked Witch of the East enchanted his axe to prevent him from marrying his beloved: The enchanted axe chopped off his limbs, one by one.
Each time he lost a limb, a tinsmith replaced it with a limb made of tin. Initially, it seemed an advantage, for his metal body allowed him to work powerfully. With a heart of love, and limbs that never tire, it looked as if he had beaten the Wicked Witch!
However, one day the axe sliced him in two halves. The tinsmith who helped fix his torso neglected to give him a heart.
Once Nick Chopper was made entirely of tin, he was no longer able to love the girl he had fallen for. But he didn't think it mattered at first. In fact, he was pleased with his tireless body, and that the axe could no longer cut him as he was made entirely of tin. So he worked on - he worked hard... without love.
Till he got rusted and had time to think.
And he found... he wanted a heart back, coz he was happiest when he could love.

***
Weren't we pleased when we got for ourselves arms and legs of tin.
Weren't we pleased when we learnt how to cope with life,
to excel at work, to swing with ministry, to use our gifts.
Weren't we pleased when we worked with all our might,
when our hearts were filled with love.

Who knew, when that fatal blow struck,
cut us in two, and broke our hearts.
And we thought we just needed to be fixed.
"A metal body, and make it quick!"
And we quickly got back into things....

Who knew, when our metaled body did all the work
faster, better than before?
well oiled, unflinching,
toughened, no longer afraid of the axe?
Who knew that the heart isn't there?
Did we?
We manically go on chopping and chopping,
falling trees at an unprecedented speed.
did we care that we didn't feel?
did we know that we couldn't feel?
As many trees as we can, as quickly as we can.

Marry my love? Or merely chopping trees?

When the joints stiffened, when the oil ran out,
When we were struck down and were forced to think...

We find we need a heart...

****
Matt Redman
When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
***

Jesus, take me past the knowledge that it has got to be all about You,
give me that heart that simply whispers, screams, sings, hums "Jesus" all the time.

I need inspiration, Not just another negotiation...

You could threaten me, and command me to do something.
You could negotiate and entice me to do it.
You could explain and convince me to do it.

I could "psycho" myself, and pretend it's enjoyable.
I could convince myself the need to do something.
I could simply cling on, and fulfill my committment,
clinging on because i know i believe in the cause.

But things are just easier when i am inspired.
When not only do i know i believe in it,
but i also feel it in my bones,
in every sinew.

Breathe on me, God...
That's something only You can do...

the road is long...

Retire at 67, die at 80?
that gives me another 39 years to work, and another 52 years to live.

Ha... and to think that i was just looking at the obituaries, wondering when would be my turn to rest.Not that i hate living... just that it would also be nice to know that i have done i all i was supposed to and can proceed to enjoy eternity in heaven.

Can't imagine working for another 39 years!

Gross.

It's like thinking you're on Round 3 of your 2.4k run, then finding out that

1. You're only on round 2
2. You're doing the 10k run instead.

Which reminds me, today, there was yet another report of a sudden-death-after-exercise case. =(

i've come to the conclusion that the human body is not meant to do overly strenuous exercise. I think that's why so many healthy people have been dropping dead after exercises.

Incidentally, why would people need to run 21km anyway? take a cab la. And if like, during wartime, all our tanks break down and the poor soldiers need to get to a destination 21km away in a very short time, mabbe they can try cycling instead of running? then they would still have energy left to fight. And can even carry heavy things. And it would be faster.

A regular 5km jog every day should be enough to keep them fit. Why keep pushing for unnatural limits?

要有 ｌｉｆｅ 才可以 ｍａｋｅ ｌｉｆｅ 哦！

this evening, mum called.

mum: 你还在学校啊？
me: ya...still in school.
mum:那么迟了还在学校？几时回来吃晚餐？
me: these few days are quite packed...cannot lae...
mum: 你啊，不要忙到没有ｌｉｆｅ．要有　ｌｉｆｅ，才可以　ｍａｋｅ　ｌｉｆｅ　知道吗？
me: Ma! You called me just to tell me that???
mum: ya lor...你知道我的意思吗？ｍｕｎｃｈ　呢？他会不会一样忙？
me: *faint*

She then proceeded to tell me that munch and i have to make time to ermmm... make babies.

Grrrrr...

Am i ready?

one morning, munch and i visualised having a baby. We imagined the pregnancy, the delivery, the carrying...but after a few minutes we were ready to stop.

How to take care of a baby for real?
How to take care of a baby and know that it's a long term commitment??

ａｍ　ｉ　ｒｅａｄｙ？　
will i ever be?

LKYSPP Public Lecture: Islam and Public Policy

Note: Don't bother reading this... i'm just rambling to record my thots.


Attended a public lecture today...
Enjoyed it, it made me think, and it was nice that the speaker wasn't an academic, but a passionate activist.
4 issues to ponder:
1. Constitution law vs religious laws. Is it fair to subject non-believers to the religious laws? Is it fair to have constitutional laws apply to non-believers and religious laws apply to believers? Would it result in unfairness?
2. Freedom of religion. Some say apostasy is punishable by death. Others say there is no compulsion. Some suggest looking at the diversity of approaches and find one that will best help society to progress, given current context. (settle on one for convenience? the absolute morality-ist would never agree!)
3. Public morality: Who decides? Popular opinion (democracy)? Divine law (which Divinity?) ?
4. Women's Right. (Errr... not my current interest)

I considered things in my context - Christian Singaporean.

No issues with #1. Here, clearly constitutional laws prevail. Where biblical standards are over and above our laws, it's definitely left to the church to handle and not imposed by threats of punishment. For example, grumbling, failing to submit to leaders, husband etc.

No issues with #2. We're never instructed in the bible to punish unbelievers nor those who commit apostasy. Speak to them, try to turn them from error, at most "have nothing to do with them." We are still to love, and given a chance, to restore.

No issues with #4. Women are made by God, different from Men, but equal in worth.

It's #3 that needs to be considered. Public morality.
To me of course, there is no doubt that divine law is superior to human choice aka democracy.
But not everyone agrees with that. Moreover, not everyone who agrees to the sovereignty of divine law agrees to the same set of divine law, AND interpret them in the same way.

Because of a pluralistic society, there can never be a satisfactory answer!
Do we then just settle for the Law being merely a reflection of a society's norm or for a perceived common good? (and then again, the perception of common good would differ)

I thought about Jesus' way.
He didn't do it via legislation, politics, power, force, violence.
He was personal about it, he was concerned about people, not theory.
He didn't start a women-lib movement, nor legislate laws. But he demonstrated love for women, and he educated.

Perhaps therein lies our solution.
We live as salt and light of the world. We live as contagious Christians. We let Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Word shape us, and when the law reflects our ideals and norms, we will find that we have a set of laws that brings light to our soul.

BAd Mood Monday. Couldn't you tell?

1. Been stuck in something uninspiring and time-consuming. It's frustrating. Wish it'd end. And it soon will. Ironically, that makes it even more uninspiring. Agh.



2. Watched a clip by Martyn See that carista posted on her blog. It's also on singaporerebel.

Agree that the needy needs help. Think he would have made more of a contribution to society if he used his talents to stir up awareness and compassion, not finger-pointing and insinuations. But in any case, i don't think his portrayal was a fair one.

First, i don't think every case of poverty/ old people having or wanting to work is the government's fault.

Plus, I think there's a limit to what the government and big organisations etc can do. They have a part to play, and are responsible for providing the infrastructure and systems - like public housing and CPF etc. But there will definitely be some who fall through the cracks.

I believe that the duty of loving and caring for these people lies with all of us and not just the government. I believe that VWOs, and compassionate individuals who feel the ground and truly love people, are able to help at a more targetted and timely manner.

So, really, the finger points at us. At me. At you. Let's do something about their needs, not figure out whose fault it is.



3. Quite like the PM's National Day Rally. Especially the 30 year HDB lease for old folks thingy. That's cool. and helpful. But still no pay raise for me =(

Plus, really, the work life balance thing still hasn't been fulfilled properly. But it looks like it's gonna be forgotten soon.



4. Drank too much BS water. Now LS. =( Was marking and LS-ing the weekend away... and i am exhausted. =( I want the hols to be here...



5. N Levels and O levels are coming up. Activities and projects are unending. Help.

Lastly...

Sorry if i was nasty meany bitchy today. It's not you ok? It's me.