my pregnancy tradition

i was just thinking about it a few days ago, how clumsy i was the last time round, and well, how graceful i have been this time. No crazy dash up the stairs resulting in cereal in my hair, no preggy belly rolling around the ground. 

And then it happened today. 

And yes, as usual, in public, out in the open. On the way to class after recess, when the corridors are populated. in full view of the whole world. Plus i dropped my laptop, which fell with a bang, which attracted more attention. agh agh agh agh agh. Thankfully the laptop still works. 

once again, i've been warned: time to buy flats.

=(

when your life is bought at a price

 "Every day i think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. 

And i've tried to live my life the best i could. 

i hope that was enough. 

i hope that at least in your eyes, i've earned what all of you have done for me." 

- Private Ryan, at the grave of Captain Miller, 

in the movie Saving Private Ryan.

in the past 2 weeks, i've watched The Passion four times, yet when we watched the clip in church again today, it was still different. Perhaps it was the song in the background... 

Why DID Jesus have to go through all that? 

For us. 

And that really says something about how we should live our lives. It really isn't our own. It was bought at a price.

***

been reading The Spiritual Man by watchman nee (a present from xueling! =) ) and it has been a blessing. A much needed word for me at this time. I'm not even halfway through the book, but it has been most helpful and timely.

it explains the distinctions between spirit, soul and body. Function of spirit: conscience, spiritual sense/ intuition, communion with God/ worship. Function of soul: will, intellect, emotion. How the spirit was meant to be foremost, but in our fallen state we place soul/flesh above the spirit. I'm crawling through the book- have to stop and chew and meditate at almost every page - but it's a highly recommended read.

it helps me understand myself and my struggles. it helps me understand why visiting certain websites feels so similar to eating junk food - so addictive because it stirs passion, thoughts, arguments, but it makes me feel so "unhealthy", cause my soul is overfed and spirit is hungry. And that's been my diet for a while! When i scrutinize my day, my thoughts, my google reader list... and my words and deeds.

i was appalled to realize that recently, when i was disturbed, disgruntled, dismayed, disappointed, distracted by what i see around me, i found myself rushing in my soul to find a soulish solution. And my prescription for the world/ society/ school, born of my emotions and intellect, have been at best useless and unheeded, and at worst ungodly, divisive, witchcraft-like. 

I suppose that's what i get from having a fat soul and a skinny spirit huh. Hehe, there was a time when i knew instinctively that the solution to any problem was to pray and then to expect a miracle. What happened to that. 

i am to be a woman of the spirit. so says the one who bought me at a price.

so i better stop feeding my soul so much and start feeding my spirit more.

less time reading juicy, whiny, sarcastic, censorious sites.

more time worshiping and praying.

***

Everyday, i'll think about what you have done for me at the cross, 

and i'll try to live my life the best i can. 

i can never earn what you have done for me. 

But i want my life to say, "Thank You, my Saviour, my Lord, my Lover."

~yangshuyanfaith, at the foot of the cross, on 26 April 2009

***

Beware the pregnant woman

The old adage of letting preggies have what they crave seems to hold some truths...

when i was pregnant with Glory, i *yearned* to pull out munch's leg hair. 

"Just one? Please?"

My repeated requests were denied.

Now, Glory sits happily next to Papa, gleefully pulling at his leg hair. She pulls, then looks expectantly at Papa's face for a reaction. =) Exactly what i wanted to do then, but she's much more persistent, and perhaps more charming and persuasive.

Bet Papa wishes he'd allowed me to pluck JUST ONE HAIR back then. 

Muahahahahhah.

I'm thinking of pretending to have a pluck-armpit hair fetish, just to scare munch. =)

Glory's first injury

It was a moment that is now etched in my memory.

She was sitting on Papa's lap comfortably - i remember wanting to comment on how comfortable she looked- when she suddenly decided to crawl off. But Papa and her were at the edge of the mattress, which meant she was effectively diving headfirst off Papa's leg. 

And in a second, her face smashed onto the floor.

She started crying and I quickly cuddled her.

Oh no... please let her nose be ok, please let her teeth be ok...

Soon, blood started flowing from her mouth, staining my arms and neck, where she'd buried her face. 

We checked. Her teeth were still intact. Her nose looked ok too.

Phew.

She probably just cut her lip on her teeth.

The blood clotted after a while, but her upper lip swelled, and she had a hard time eating her dinner that night, coz whenever something touched the wound, she would cry in pain.

In the big scheme of things, that was just a little fall.

But it was her first, and trite as it sounds, it hurt me more than it hurt her.

Lots of regrets too - we had been talking about buying a playmat for more than a month, and i kept putting it off. "Was the bumper playmat necessary? Should i get the cheaper ones from Mini Toons instead? But the Mini Toons ones didn't fold up nicely and weren't as portable. But the ones from Smallsmallworld are so expensive.... " And so in my indecisiveness it was put off again and again and again.

But no longer.

I have placed an order for the bumper playmat. The 15mm thick one, no less.

I don't intend to be an overly protective parent, coz i think it's unhealthy for the child. 

But seeing her bleed and cry, and knowing that her injury would have been mitigated had i put a playmat next to the mattress... 

Which reminds me, i need to babyproof her room and put up the child-gate at her door, now that she's getting quite mobile. 

Firsts

It was a memorable weekend.

Glory went to the zoo for the first time. 

If you asked her, she wouldn't know. See, she fell asleep just as we neared the zoo. So we put her in the stroller and looked at the animals on her behalf.

She did get up in time to see some monkeys chase each other right over her head though, and was suitably intrigued. However most of the other exhibits failed to capture her interest. When we pointed out the huge hippos swimming right past her face, she stared ardently at the wee little fishes swimming alongside. When we peered at the WORLD'S MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE, she couldn't quite understand it wasn't a rock/branch. When we excitedly showed her three strolling giraffes, she looked at the picture of the giraffe on the signboard. When we showed her various other animals, she excitedly gushed over the waterfall and other landscaping details. And sometimes at dead leaves blown around by the wind. 

Well, she did look at the majestic and imposing white tigers though. But i think she said, "meow" under her breath. 

We'll try again in June. 

***

Saturday morning was spent with peck, jean, sarah and their husbands and babies. =) I like. 

Then it was off to a couple of Baby First Month Parties. 

Ha, first we were swamped with wedding events weeks after weeks, now we've progressed to baby showers.... gosh. =O

***

On Sunday, I had my first foodcourt breakfast date with Glory! 

Florencia was on leave, Munch had to report at 8am, so Glory and i  2+ hours to ourselves at SPC in the morning. 

it was a little hard trying to get a baby seat for her with one hand while carrying her and my bag at the same time, but we managed. When Glory fussed about being left at the table on her own while i tried to collect the food, a kind lady helped to bring our breakfast over. =)

We (Glory & i; not the kind lady) shared a breakfast set -tea, kaya toast, hotdogs & scrambled eggs. Well, glory only had the scrambled egg and some toast with no kaya and plain water- ha, yeah, adults get the better deal sometimes.

We had the most wonderful time chatting over our breakfast, though it was mainly me talking. She nodded, smiled, gurgled and clapped at the appropriate time though. And when i talked too much and forgot that it's her turn to get some scrambled egg, she tugged at my hand to remind me.

She's such a darling, this girl. 

I'm still amazed how God can design and create a girl as beautiful and charming and lovely as my little Glory.

<3

***

Next was the most amazing of the firsts. 

In-laws came to church for the first time!!! Yeah, after sooo many years... and if you know them, you'd agree it's AMAZING. a miracle, really. =) 

My parents came too, despite saying they couldn't make it. It was quite an amazing thing, to have both sets of parents there in church with us ( the only other time it happened was on our wedding of coz). 

When Daddy walked into the auditorium, they were playing "his song" =) He looked at me and smiled and sang a few lines. =) 

They sat near the front/ centre, coz daddy wanted to film munch acting. 

They didn't stand throughout the worship, i suspect out of deference to each other. 

But they did clap along.

After the drama, Glory was still awake and i didn't want either grandmas to use her as an excuse to leave the auditorium, so i brought her out, saying i needed to change her. 

We (glory n i) prayed as we went to the car to get a change of diaper... Extremely amazed that they turned up in church, yet wanting more.

I hoped, yet i didn't dare to hope. i still remember all too clearly the last time my parents were here for easter service. The certainty of the hope i felt, how they sang along at the response-song, how my daddy raised his arm, how i thought he was responding God-  only to see him rub his tummy. i still remember how bitterly i cried as i hid at the back of the auditorium when they didn't walk down, as throngs of people streamed down, receiving salvation, healing, comfort...

anyway, i changed glory, and because she was being rather chatty, we couldn't go back to the auditorium, so we went to the nursing area.

by the time the sermon ended, i found out that my in-laws had left (they needed to go pick up some relatives for qingming) and my parents walked them out *roll eyes*, so i suppose they missed the altar call too. 

haiz. At least they came. 

***

Been waiting for 12 years already....

When, when, when???

***

and then i remember...

we are supposed to be operating on another plane. Looking from the top of the tapestry instead of wondering and wandering from below.

yeah, when i was there a drop in the ocean looked significant and powerful.

i tried, a while back... those books that used to inspire me, those verses.

but i get sucked back into the wrong side all too soon.

times like these i wish it's june and i can go off for a proper and long-enough retreat.

God, i need it.

tired and jaded on a friday afternoon

again,

why speak? 

why bother?

why hope?

why try?

things aren't gonna get better, "they" don't really care... it's just theory, convenience, bullying and a big show.

all i can do is try to keep loving, caring, hoping.

and not to succumb - to showiness, hopelessness, callousness.

it's a hard fight.

mummy reckons there's not much one single person can do. Just play the game and thrive materially.

but i didn't come here for this.

it's a hard fight, but fight we must.

o let me know there are more of us.