when your life is bought at a price

 "Every day i think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. 

And i've tried to live my life the best i could. 

i hope that was enough. 

i hope that at least in your eyes, i've earned what all of you have done for me." 

- Private Ryan, at the grave of Captain Miller, 

in the movie Saving Private Ryan.

in the past 2 weeks, i've watched The Passion four times, yet when we watched the clip in church again today, it was still different. Perhaps it was the song in the background... 

Why DID Jesus have to go through all that? 

For us. 

And that really says something about how we should live our lives. It really isn't our own. It was bought at a price.

***

been reading The Spiritual Man by watchman nee (a present from xueling! =) ) and it has been a blessing. A much needed word for me at this time. I'm not even halfway through the book, but it has been most helpful and timely.

it explains the distinctions between spirit, soul and body. Function of spirit: conscience, spiritual sense/ intuition, communion with God/ worship. Function of soul: will, intellect, emotion. How the spirit was meant to be foremost, but in our fallen state we place soul/flesh above the spirit. I'm crawling through the book- have to stop and chew and meditate at almost every page - but it's a highly recommended read.

it helps me understand myself and my struggles. it helps me understand why visiting certain websites feels so similar to eating junk food - so addictive because it stirs passion, thoughts, arguments, but it makes me feel so "unhealthy", cause my soul is overfed and spirit is hungry. And that's been my diet for a while! When i scrutinize my day, my thoughts, my google reader list... and my words and deeds.

i was appalled to realize that recently, when i was disturbed, disgruntled, dismayed, disappointed, distracted by what i see around me, i found myself rushing in my soul to find a soulish solution. And my prescription for the world/ society/ school, born of my emotions and intellect, have been at best useless and unheeded, and at worst ungodly, divisive, witchcraft-like. 

I suppose that's what i get from having a fat soul and a skinny spirit huh. Hehe, there was a time when i knew instinctively that the solution to any problem was to pray and then to expect a miracle. What happened to that. 

i am to be a woman of the spirit. so says the one who bought me at a price.

so i better stop feeding my soul so much and start feeding my spirit more.

less time reading juicy, whiny, sarcastic, censorious sites.

more time worshiping and praying.

***

Everyday, i'll think about what you have done for me at the cross, 

and i'll try to live my life the best i can. 

i can never earn what you have done for me. 

But i want my life to say, "Thank You, my Saviour, my Lord, my Lover."

~yangshuyanfaith, at the foot of the cross, on 26 April 2009

***