Ha, Bleah, =( , Weeee!, Hmmm, =)...

feeling battered today.
started off ok... in fact, the past few days have been ok. enjoyed classes... sec 4s as usual are fun yet well-behaved.
even 3e5 was ok too. felt we were making good progress as a class, happy that when we did the revision worksheet they were engaged and could answer questions and raised hands to answer questions. increasingly they have learnt to be quiet at least when i'm teaching, less of those child-like outburst of irrelevant comments... enjoyed watching them play the Bingo thingy for VE today. They're so funny and laughy and cute when they play games. so u see...i thought we were making progress. Later heard complaints abt them. k la, nothing new. but it stings still anyway. i feel scolded. coz yes.... it always falls back to the FT. haiiizzzz... i tried and am trying. tried different methods, had several class comm meetings...i tried, and honestly, i think it IS working out, slowly but surely. for now, i know they still act up here and there, and i do accept responsibility for whatever they've not yet become... but it's still sore... u know, the i-know-i-deserve- to-be-scolded-but- it-stiill-hurts-coz i-did-try feeling....
='(
But itz ok... i know it's not over. i know they'll get better.

i dunno how much i can influence him. sometimes i think he understands, and then i see his efforts and i'd be so glad. then suddenly there'd be a relapse, and i'd wonder if he ever heard and understood me, if our hearts ever met. haiz... the hardened coldness in his eyes can pierce my heart. i know it's not toward me, yet it just breaks me to think that anyone has seen or been through things that troubled them so much that they feel a need to be so hardened. Today we got a chance to talk again..and i felt we got through.... haiz. i dunno. we did, didn't we? or is it just a figment of my imagination? were you just trying to get me off your back? will you be safe? will you stay on the straight and narrow? will you try?
sometimes really feel that i'm doing a bad job. if it were someone else, would they have changed faster? sometimes the thought comes to me, that i dun make the cut, that i'm not good enough to teach, that i should go get an office job so the kids get a shot at a better teacher. then i realise that instead i should just grow and learn to do it better.
so yeah, i guess for today's episode, that's the conclusion again.

yeah, so that was today.

couple of days back, stan sent an email that got me thinking..i observed something and it got me thinking abt that same thing. and i read a verse and it got me thinking abt the same thing so i think it's something God wants me to be watchful abt.

if, say, a colleague asks me to do something, and my boss asks me to do something, would i do both with equal submission, love, excellence?
if, say, the president asks me the same thing a few times, would i get impatient and show it? what if little francis asks me the same question repeatedly?
i sensed God telling me that if in ANY situation, i would respond better to the king than the pauper, the boss than the subordinates, then ALL i do is completely worthless, coz i'm not serving God, but my own interest, and i'm not fearing God, but fearing man. then there's no love in me but self-love and pride.
Shall be watchful. thinking and assessing myself, then i thot abt how i'd feel impatient with some kids...
Then i wonder if i should take the K2P1 class. Ha... i actually really think so now. come to think of it, quite true... ricky can take the p3s alone since he's usually around. munch & john P2. and i take the groups that least want to take... ha. mabbe. i think so.

OK.
cleared my brain.

Not the most eloquent post, prob no one can even understand it, but i needed it.