Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Was in a lousy mood yesterday. a dark, stinky, angry, frustrated, ugly mood.
the kind that makes me want to wear a big black bulky garbage bag. the kind that makes me want to eat a hundred loaves of bread and put on 50kg. Or stop eating for a hundred days and become a lollipoppy skeleton. The kind that makes me wanna kohl my eyes and wear black lipstick. Then i realised... gosh, perhaps that is how the emos/grungies feel... that the ugliness of the world has overwhelmed them so much, they're giving up the fight to be bright and peppy and orange in a black and grey world. they give up avoiding pain and unhappiness but slash themselves instead.
it didn't help that i was stuck at home in my pjs. by the time the emergency exercise was over and i could leave the house, i was thinking up excuses not to go for PnP.
Then i decided that if i were couselling myself in an ihad session, i would think i am under a spiritual attack. or on the verge of demonisation or depression or something. and i (counselor) would tell myself (counsellee) that the last thing i should do is to succumb and hide away at home, or give full vent to the "dark side".
So Jekyll and Hyde wrestled. Counselor and Counselee wrestled. Good sense and emotions wrestled. In the end, i think God won, and i went. but yes, i still had on garbage bag tshirt and kohl.
so yeah, things got better once i left the house. went for facial, and ... it's so unbelievably shallow and earthly, but the narcissism, the aroma of lemongrass, the ambience of the spa really helps.
I can be so self-punishing when it comes to such things. a part of me refuses to admit that human needs rest. Like when pastor tiak asked if we were discouraged and tired from serving, my response was, "if we are tired then it is our fault. if we stay close enough to God, we can serve 22 hours a day, sleep 2 hours a day, and still be alright. i have been busy and high, and i've been busy and down. Busyness is not the determinant."
hiak hiak. true to a certain extent, but also perhaps too idealistic to be realistic? i dunno. ha, dunno how many kidz workers are gonna be worked to exhaustion because of my bravado. oops.

Anyway, went to spc after facial, met up with jessy and huiping and des and kan for dinner @ subway. felt a bit better after that. i think having company is a good way to arrest the onset of depression. or perhaps... *gasp* i AM an extrovert afterall?
Then saw munch, and he surprised me by saying i looked good in my garbage bag tshirt. *smiles* my husband really has a sweet tongue. A Persian Proverb says, “By a sweet tongue and kindness, you can drag an elephant with a hair”. By a sweet tongue and kindness, you can also drag a garbage bag outta the dumps. =)

Anyway during PnP, flies from the dump were still hovering. was aware that i could be so "trained" to look the part of a worshipper, that men can be fooled. But God certainly would not. He told me that the way to stop wallowing in my moods was to look outwards instead of inwards. So yeah, after praying for the world, praying for Singapore, praying for friends... things were looking up.

Then i realised that the GoOutGang were all sitting nearby. So i organised a Geylang TauHuay outing. Just like old times. =) Love these guys. Love their company.
back then, none of us had cars, so when boon rented one, we'd go mad. we'd ALL squeeze into one car. and he'd send me back last so that i get to play more.
then we started working, more cars, more spending money. Audit days were great fun.
But when i was a beginning teacher, somehow there was more work stress. I used to get Sunday-evening-blues and it was a tough-going period. having friends like them helped... we'd hang out after service, and when the skies were dark, i'd start being moody. They would pray for me before we headed home. And after praying, the task ahead really looked more manageable. The strength within really grew. They're really gifts from God.

we had a good time chatting over dou hua and dou jiang and da you tiao and mian sian and shao bing. Aunty was impatient and intimidating as always, but wadever. headed to violet after that. ha. some things NEVER change. Like my pathetic repertoire of Chinese songs. But it's not the activity. it's just them. Good ol' Raymond with his lame jokes and mind-baffling puzzles, giggly laughy jessy...

So i am glad. That yeash, i am outta that foul mood.
That i have friends like them.
That God provides a way out of every dark tunnel.
For the time of day to relax, unwind, just enjoy simple pleasures.
That the angsty Hyde has been beaten back.

Oh, i dreamt of her last night... and she was in bad shape. like... half-intoxicated, in despair, on the verge of giving up her faith. and in my dream, i knew that in spite of my own periods of shakiness, i want the best for her, i want her to grow from glory to glory strength to strength, i cannot let her give up.

And that was all the dream was about. just talking with her, in a pub.
Hearing and understanding and even identifying with her struggles and emotions,
and yet the certainty in my heart that Jesus is the answer.

i wonder if she's ok. or was the dream about her at all? was it just a projection of my own "Hyde"?
Regardless...
When i have dreams like that, i know it's a call to pray.