Zippidy-Doo-Da =) I lurve it when the deafening silence is over! =)

couple of nights back, God woke me up to talk to me about his affectionate longing. =) And that matters to me. [Phil 1:8]

Also, God reminded me thru Shirley's sharing that wherever i am placed, God put me there for a purpose. Which is something i thought i always knew. but actually i really needed this reminder.
Coz i am reminded that whatever may happen in school, God's main concern is NOT whether or not i'm living a charmed-and-comfy-and-sparkly life, but that i'm doing His work and growing in character, maturity, influence, ability to bless others. And that should therefore be what i should be basing my life decisions on. Not what i think would be easier/more comfortable.

And yesterday, God ministered to me deeply @ service.

Sanctuary

When my world was in darkness
You spoke your word
Night turned into day
Your beauty filled this place
When my world stood in silence
You filled my heart
With songs that never end
Forever I will praise

Pre-Chorus
To think that the universe
Could not withhold Your glory
You choose to live in me
I’m so amazed

Chorus
(And) I worship You Lord
My life in You restored
Here is my heart
Make it Your sanctuary
For nobody else
But Jesus only (You)

Bridge
You are faithful and true
Glorious Lord
All my life
It is You I adore
You’ve touched my soul
Completed my world

I surrender to You

Majesty
Here I am humbled by Your Majesty
Covered by Your grace so free
Here I am knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb
Pre Chorus
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since You lay down Your life, the greatest sacrifice
Chorus
Majesty, Majesty

Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hand
Majesty, Majesty

forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty
Here I stand, humbled by the love that You give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand knowing that I'm Your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

He's so beautiful, what more can i say.


Today, met up with Pastor.
Amongst many other things, I learnt that:
1. I should get a financial advisor
2. Scary/ un-ideal situation may not necessarily mean everything's a mistake : God told the Israelites to walk to the place where they'd be trapped between the Red Sea and the Egyptians, God hardened the hearts of the the Egyptians! So think: what is god telling me to do? What am i supposed to learn from the situation?
3. A mature faith may not necessarily be the drama-mama-high-emotions kind. Maturity entails faithfulness and holding on, doing simple, undramatic things out of love for our neighbours. [There was one more point, but i forgot!!! should've taken notes. ha.]
4. Must be careful not to think too much and do too little.

I have always craved for the pentecostal-fire kind of revival, the miracle-at-every-corner kind of world, the personal-love-duet-with-Jesus-every-night kind of intimacy. Pastor says i'm perfectionist (only when it comes to the Kingdom of God. with housework and administrative stuff it's another story ;P)
But I would and should keep praying for that, yet i must make sure i don't get discouraged by a lack of that, and instead focus on what Ps calls the "mature faith".

And... hey... i hope i haven't stumbled anyone with my struggles.
sometimes life gets hard because i let my human nature take over, sometimes life gets hard because i'm supposed to grow from it. But in the end it's always true, that God never gives us more than what we can bear, that God never leaves nor forsakes us, that He will surely complete the work He began in us.

So dun give up kae?

Oh yeah, and i am glad to find out that SHE's attending church, and is spiritually alive.
*Hi5 with C*

Looking up for now... (and ever after?)

So now, SYF's over, Founder's Day is over... phew. =)

Been hearing so much of the SYF songs i couldn't get them outta my head. It's like the chorale follows me home and never stops singing even when i go to bed. spooky. well, at least they don't sound bad.

Anyway, we got a bronze.

After SYF, went to get my phone. Saw the same AngryWoman collecting her phone - she was there on Saturday night too. A little less angry this time. So glad to get my phone back... and was instantly bombarded by a back-log of SMSs...and got a sweet sms from Pastor Tiak. =)

i like godly leaders who love their sheep. =) Meeting him next monday... looking forward to it... he's an enigma to me. So thinking, yet so feeling. So tough, yet so gentle. So wise and shrewd and strategic-ish at times, that i fear he's responding out of human wisdom, then suddenly so led, and releases God's Word for the season so clearly. Oh well, after all is said and done, I only know he's proven himself faithful, dependable and a person of integrity who seeks after God with a pure heart. we may have many differences of opinions, but all said, he's cool. he's my pastor, and i love him.

anyway, i finally got to eat at Sun and Moon!

Iris (or Adeline?) first told me about this restaurant and i've made 3 prior attempts to eat here, but it was only on Wednesday that i finally succeeded. And it was worth the attempts! Food's good. Enjoyed it tremendously.

Succulent prawns, yummy roe...

...My foie gras....

Munch's snow cod...

Got home and did housework till almost 1am. ha... when we first got our place, we kinda enjoyed doing housework together... chua said give us 2 months, and we'd start dreading it and neglecting it. Well, we lasted more than 2 months, but yeah, now it's really becoming ummmm.... less fun.

On Thursday, 2 colleagues came over to visit, and we shared and encouraged and prayed for each other. It was a very short visit, but i'm thankful for it. It's nice to be with positive, godly people. It's nice to know that God put us here and is always our strength and our master. it's nice to know that i'm not alone, that they are true friends, brothers in christ, and not merely colleagues at work.

Then after they left.... i had some time before Core Group Meeting, so .......I NAPPED!

Oh glorious glorious day! Oh divine afternoon! Oh God-sent nap!

Gosh, it's such a wonderful feeling to sleep. And after the nap, I felt much better. Think i have to accept the fact that human needs sleep. When it was time to go, i really had half a mind to skip the meeting and just sleep on. But then, i thought about shirley and felt guilty. then munch messaged that he was coming back to pick me up... so i got up and went. And i'm glad i went. was a fruitful meeting. Shirley is so lovable. Desmond should rejoice. =) i like that she speaks her mind, and she listens without judging, that she doesn't succumb to discouragement and despair, that she's the "CHAAAAAAARRRRGGGEEE!" type.

after the meeting, came home and finished marking the rest of the test papers. Yay! =) Late night again, but at least i took a nap in the afternoon! Poor munch concussed on the beanbag while waiting for me.

He's quite cute hor? and the thing i'm happiest about now, is that he's "taking on" Kidz ministry again. Hehe... as i read the email he sent out about tomorrow's program, my heart welled with appreciation and admiration again. The man who serves humbly, the man who understands me, who supports me, who has the inner strength to bear my burdens when i feel weak, whose calm, quiet, balanced nature is such a beautiful complement to my sometimes-fiery, erratic passions.

yups, munch, i know you will read this... just want u to know that i am encouraged that you are seeing visions, that you are holding fast and encouraging me to hold fast, that you are trying to break out of the dryness, that you are my leader, the head of my household, my cover. Jia you!

So yeah, i think things are kinda looking up again. i'm disappointed by the ugliness of the world, but God's beauty is dazzling.

May i look at Him always.

anyway, had Play Montfort today. we went bowling.

think i got the lowest score in the whole school, but wadeva. =)

My Team: Faith Yeo, Lloyd Yeo, Faizan, Peter Ho & Cheryl Lek

Happy Bowler! =) Must have done well!

Checking... with bated breath

Lao Shi bowled too!

25th April 2007

Today i get my phone back from the service centre.
Today the Chorale goes for SYF Central Judging.
Today i know i'm not properly connected, but have learnt to behave ok. but i don't really want to think i'm ok when i'm not, i don't want to live a shell of a life, the semblance of a Christian - worse, a church leader - but having nothing beneath.
but i don't want to go around sulking coz that wouldn't help anyway. Now what? How do i get out of this?

Not being ok is not just becoz of my busyness. So i don't suppose my road to recovery is to quit everything. but it does mean that i have nothing to give anymore. reservoir's run dry. The little spurts once a week or so is simply not enough. How to feed others?

So for now, munch is gonna do the bible teaching segment for club. And the worship.
And i really need God... i really need the intimacy with Him again. Otherwise, i simply cannot do what i'm supposed to do, life will never be fruitful, nor meaningful. There wouldn't be a purpose to living. I wouldn't know why i'm a teacher. I wouldn't know why i shouldn't be a Sunday Christian.

Lift me up from the deep, dark waters, and place me in a spacious place. So i may see as You see, understand as You want to reveal. Draw close to You and let everything fade away, so that I can live as your child, your beloved, victorious, free, fruitful, powerful. dwell close to Your heart.
That's the only place i want to be. nowhere else God.... i remember the prayer , and i ask you again... that if i wander from your presence, if your spirit distances from me, i would suffocate, so that i would know, so that i could never be far from you. i could get used to a life without food, or a life without warmth.
But never let me get used to a life without You, Jesus. That's a life i'd rather not live.

Coming up on 29th April 2007!

come! join my team! We're gonna get the TOP prize of $150.000!!!
;D

A timely reminder - from a church whose pulpit always ministers to me over the internet =)

"Casting Down the Accuser" Pastor Yang, Cornerstone Community Church.
http://www.cscc.org.sg/cornerstone/spiritualfood/sermon2007/2007_04.htm#4

Don't be a nay-sayer, don't watch out for chances to say "i knew it!" when things go wrong, don't keep criticizing our church, our bosses, our leaders.
Such negativity comes from the father of lies, not the Father of heavenly Lights.
it only takes just anybody with one working eye and a carnal mind to criticize and complain, to point out what is wrong.
Instead we need to pray, we need to speak into being what is right.
So no more "there is a deadness", "there is a recession", "our morale is low", "we don't have enough workers", "where's our leadership?" nonsense.
Standing in the gap also means we identify what that gap is, and WE STAND THERE, not just point it out and bemoan the fact that it's there.

And watch our tongues. Love the brotherhood, fear God and honour the king.
No slander, no grumbling, no gossiping.

what a day... things never end...

Back from Sports Club. Had to run barefoot just now, coz I left my shoes in school (I hope!!! It better not be on the train!) Ouch! And the track was so old and sticky and rough… eew. Feeling better though…always do after some exercise. =)

Been sad n bothered, but moping never helps. So yeah, shall give thanks instead.

• I thank God for the little conversation with carista. I thank God that she’s hanging on and hasn’t gone filifala.
• I thank God for people like S, who follows God’s command to fear God and honour the king, who doesn’t seek to vindicate self or retaliate, but loves purely and lives responsibly. In a world of harshness, wanting in love and grace and beauty, a man of God shines beautifully. I pray he’ll have the strength to continue being Godly, resisting the ugliness of the fallen world, radiating God in response to everything thrown at him.
• I thank God for Sports Club, for the fun we have running, playing badminton, soccer and volleyball, and all the chatting in between. I thank God for the people give up their sleep and go week after week to book the courts at 3am.
• I thank God for the students I have. They are so lovable, even the naughtiest ones! (The lazy ones aren’t that cute though)
• I thank God for ppl at work who are human and concerned and real. People who would check if others are alright. People who make the world prettier.
• I thank God for munch.
  Me: “faj ivsgskg ogjk aosdjk …. (pouring out my woes)”.
  Munch: “Never mind… I … bring you go holiday.”
  Hehehehhe… =) such a feeble attempt, but so sweet still.
• I thank God for the way children sing. So cutely off-pitch, off rhythm, yet so earnest and loud.
• I thank God for faithful co-workers like John – who has NEVER asked to step down from ministry, not even for a few months to rest.

Anyway, today was my manic-Wednesday, but it was not that exhausting today coz the classes were having tests. So I had time to think.

Yeah, that’s when I started thinking about

• I want to remember every class I taught. Would be so sad if after many years, all the faces become a blur and I start to forget how special each one is. Will try to create my own archive.
• Another thing I thought about. There are so many styles of leadership around me. Different things I can learn from them, but Jesus is the best example of leadership.
• And, I remembered I told 3e5 that I am committed to them, come what may. Am I gonna honour it?
• And, I remembered that 3e4/4e4 the basil/ivan etc batch was such a lovely class. And they like all had the same few names.
• And, I remembered that the way to tell if a person is of God is whether or not he/ she exhibit the fruits of the spirit in increasing measure.
• And, I remembered 1AB (zul, jumadi batch) and how cute they looked when the entire class tilted their heads the same way to try to find the alternate angles. =)
• And I remembered that I always enjoy watching students engrossed in a test/ practice… but always have to pay the price after that when the marking comes in…
  
  Like now.
  
  Darn. 4 classes of test papers to mark. Plus 2 more coming in.
  Better get started.
  
  
  
  
  
  

at such a time

1. i have a plan! to get things right. The best year ever? we made sure every aspect was covered. not one can be out of whack, or it'll all be wrong. so my plan is to work on everything. physical, social, spiritual, financial... here we go!
2. we have a plan. involving neram, cars, maid, wards. sounds good, but of coz God's plan prevails.
3. where is she?
4. heads up, looking, watching the horizon... what's next?
5. Camp Revival.... i yearn.
6. Phuket plans. Banyan available? hope so... Happy to take parents n khian there.
7. Sunday. cool. Ps Thomas. pull out the plug. ohhhhh-yesss.
8. Rugby match today. lost to RI. but i enjoyed the match. boys must play sports. brings out the MAN in them. we didn't win the match, but we ain't losers. The only losers are the ones who go and watch a match and diss their own school. ha.. thot that was so quote-worthy. ;) Not referring to anyone in particular, just generally.

Didn't get a thing? it's alright. The only thing readers must know is this......

I AM NOT PREGNANT!!!

So stop congratulating me already!

thot i cleared that up already, it was an April Fool joke....
But now it seems like it's getting out of hand, coz too many people believed it, even till today!! and like, one of my bosses asked abt it??!?!?

I'm not pregnant!!!!! Heellllllllppppppppp!!!!!!!!

Ha, Bleah, =( , Weeee!, Hmmm, =)...

feeling battered today.
started off ok... in fact, the past few days have been ok. enjoyed classes... sec 4s as usual are fun yet well-behaved.
even 3e5 was ok too. felt we were making good progress as a class, happy that when we did the revision worksheet they were engaged and could answer questions and raised hands to answer questions. increasingly they have learnt to be quiet at least when i'm teaching, less of those child-like outburst of irrelevant comments... enjoyed watching them play the Bingo thingy for VE today. They're so funny and laughy and cute when they play games. so u see...i thought we were making progress. Later heard complaints abt them. k la, nothing new. but it stings still anyway. i feel scolded. coz yes.... it always falls back to the FT. haiiizzzz... i tried and am trying. tried different methods, had several class comm meetings...i tried, and honestly, i think it IS working out, slowly but surely. for now, i know they still act up here and there, and i do accept responsibility for whatever they've not yet become... but it's still sore... u know, the i-know-i-deserve- to-be-scolded-but- it-stiill-hurts-coz i-did-try feeling....
='(
But itz ok... i know it's not over. i know they'll get better.

i dunno how much i can influence him. sometimes i think he understands, and then i see his efforts and i'd be so glad. then suddenly there'd be a relapse, and i'd wonder if he ever heard and understood me, if our hearts ever met. haiz... the hardened coldness in his eyes can pierce my heart. i know it's not toward me, yet it just breaks me to think that anyone has seen or been through things that troubled them so much that they feel a need to be so hardened. Today we got a chance to talk again..and i felt we got through.... haiz. i dunno. we did, didn't we? or is it just a figment of my imagination? were you just trying to get me off your back? will you be safe? will you stay on the straight and narrow? will you try?
sometimes really feel that i'm doing a bad job. if it were someone else, would they have changed faster? sometimes the thought comes to me, that i dun make the cut, that i'm not good enough to teach, that i should go get an office job so the kids get a shot at a better teacher. then i realise that instead i should just grow and learn to do it better.
so yeah, i guess for today's episode, that's the conclusion again.

yeah, so that was today.

couple of days back, stan sent an email that got me thinking..i observed something and it got me thinking abt that same thing. and i read a verse and it got me thinking abt the same thing so i think it's something God wants me to be watchful abt.

if, say, a colleague asks me to do something, and my boss asks me to do something, would i do both with equal submission, love, excellence?
if, say, the president asks me the same thing a few times, would i get impatient and show it? what if little francis asks me the same question repeatedly?
i sensed God telling me that if in ANY situation, i would respond better to the king than the pauper, the boss than the subordinates, then ALL i do is completely worthless, coz i'm not serving God, but my own interest, and i'm not fearing God, but fearing man. then there's no love in me but self-love and pride.
Shall be watchful. thinking and assessing myself, then i thot abt how i'd feel impatient with some kids...
Then i wonder if i should take the K2P1 class. Ha... i actually really think so now. come to think of it, quite true... ricky can take the p3s alone since he's usually around. munch & john P2. and i take the groups that least want to take... ha. mabbe. i think so.

OK.
cleared my brain.

Not the most eloquent post, prob no one can even understand it, but i needed it.

Smart, kind, well-built...

piercing eyes, charming, polite, thoughtful, tough, strong, dependable...

what a man.

oops! wrong pic!

i meant... him...

HEeee, kidding la dear. You know you are the best!

=) =)

Sausage's Skin

OK, stop scaring me already.

I wiki-ed and found out that while it's true that the membrane around sausages really used to be made of intestines... BUT not anymore. Nowadays, synthetic casing is used.

But still... WHY? surely even back then, there were better, less gross alternatives?

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Was in a lousy mood yesterday. a dark, stinky, angry, frustrated, ugly mood.
the kind that makes me want to wear a big black bulky garbage bag. the kind that makes me want to eat a hundred loaves of bread and put on 50kg. Or stop eating for a hundred days and become a lollipoppy skeleton. The kind that makes me wanna kohl my eyes and wear black lipstick. Then i realised... gosh, perhaps that is how the emos/grungies feel... that the ugliness of the world has overwhelmed them so much, they're giving up the fight to be bright and peppy and orange in a black and grey world. they give up avoiding pain and unhappiness but slash themselves instead.
it didn't help that i was stuck at home in my pjs. by the time the emergency exercise was over and i could leave the house, i was thinking up excuses not to go for PnP.
Then i decided that if i were couselling myself in an ihad session, i would think i am under a spiritual attack. or on the verge of demonisation or depression or something. and i (counselor) would tell myself (counsellee) that the last thing i should do is to succumb and hide away at home, or give full vent to the "dark side".
So Jekyll and Hyde wrestled. Counselor and Counselee wrestled. Good sense and emotions wrestled. In the end, i think God won, and i went. but yes, i still had on garbage bag tshirt and kohl.
so yeah, things got better once i left the house. went for facial, and ... it's so unbelievably shallow and earthly, but the narcissism, the aroma of lemongrass, the ambience of the spa really helps.
I can be so self-punishing when it comes to such things. a part of me refuses to admit that human needs rest. Like when pastor tiak asked if we were discouraged and tired from serving, my response was, "if we are tired then it is our fault. if we stay close enough to God, we can serve 22 hours a day, sleep 2 hours a day, and still be alright. i have been busy and high, and i've been busy and down. Busyness is not the determinant."
hiak hiak. true to a certain extent, but also perhaps too idealistic to be realistic? i dunno. ha, dunno how many kidz workers are gonna be worked to exhaustion because of my bravado. oops.

Anyway, went to spc after facial, met up with jessy and huiping and des and kan for dinner @ subway. felt a bit better after that. i think having company is a good way to arrest the onset of depression. or perhaps... *gasp* i AM an extrovert afterall?
Then saw munch, and he surprised me by saying i looked good in my garbage bag tshirt. *smiles* my husband really has a sweet tongue. A Persian Proverb says, “By a sweet tongue and kindness, you can drag an elephant with a hair”. By a sweet tongue and kindness, you can also drag a garbage bag outta the dumps. =)

Anyway during PnP, flies from the dump were still hovering. was aware that i could be so "trained" to look the part of a worshipper, that men can be fooled. But God certainly would not. He told me that the way to stop wallowing in my moods was to look outwards instead of inwards. So yeah, after praying for the world, praying for Singapore, praying for friends... things were looking up.

Then i realised that the GoOutGang were all sitting nearby. So i organised a Geylang TauHuay outing. Just like old times. =) Love these guys. Love their company.
back then, none of us had cars, so when boon rented one, we'd go mad. we'd ALL squeeze into one car. and he'd send me back last so that i get to play more.
then we started working, more cars, more spending money. Audit days were great fun.
But when i was a beginning teacher, somehow there was more work stress. I used to get Sunday-evening-blues and it was a tough-going period. having friends like them helped... we'd hang out after service, and when the skies were dark, i'd start being moody. They would pray for me before we headed home. And after praying, the task ahead really looked more manageable. The strength within really grew. They're really gifts from God.

we had a good time chatting over dou hua and dou jiang and da you tiao and mian sian and shao bing. Aunty was impatient and intimidating as always, but wadever. headed to violet after that. ha. some things NEVER change. Like my pathetic repertoire of Chinese songs. But it's not the activity. it's just them. Good ol' Raymond with his lame jokes and mind-baffling puzzles, giggly laughy jessy...

So i am glad. That yeash, i am outta that foul mood.
That i have friends like them.
That God provides a way out of every dark tunnel.
For the time of day to relax, unwind, just enjoy simple pleasures.
That the angsty Hyde has been beaten back.

Oh, i dreamt of her last night... and she was in bad shape. like... half-intoxicated, in despair, on the verge of giving up her faith. and in my dream, i knew that in spite of my own periods of shakiness, i want the best for her, i want her to grow from glory to glory strength to strength, i cannot let her give up.

And that was all the dream was about. just talking with her, in a pub.
Hearing and understanding and even identifying with her struggles and emotions,
and yet the certainty in my heart that Jesus is the answer.

i wonder if she's ok. or was the dream about her at all? was it just a projection of my own "Hyde"?
Regardless...
When i have dreams like that, i know it's a call to pray.

This Sunday@ Brighton

Easter Service

Crossing Over

2 good friends from childhood, teenhood to adulthood.

2 different lives.

How did they cross over from trial to truth?

Based on the true story of one of our own....

8 April Sunday 9:30am

Singapore Post Centre, Level 5 Auditorium

open to all!

Andrew, Ivana, Alvin, Helena, Nat and HP are acting!

Missed the Christmas production coz i was away, and i realized that i haven't seen ANY of the current team's productions yet!... looking forward to this sunday! =) Heee... Andrew's pic is so cute! yeah, can't blame him for the huge-panda-ish specs. it was the trend back then. Hahaaaaa i was guilty of that too...

Joining the crowd!

=)
Yay-hey!

I've got a pistachio nut of my own too! =) =) Peanut's got a fren!
Just found out ytd, that Pistachio's been around for 3 weeks!! Ha, no wonder i've been putting on weight recently.
i'm gonna have a December baby piglet! =) weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

have to admit i'm a little afraid of the pain and morning sickness tho... or worse, morning-and-night sickness like adeline!!! but ah well, God'll see me thru.

i wonder, is Pistachio actually Zhi-En or Zheng Feng? =) =)

FINAL UPDATES - 1 April 2007

Munch & I have been eating loadsa Milo Breakfast Cereal.
We collected sooooo many airplanes we didn't knnow what to do.

So when we saw that they changed the toy today, we were so happy... we got 2!
one Spiderman and the other, NewGoblin.
We looked a little silly, digging at the lowest shelf for a character we liked... buying food because of the toy. The marketers must have thought they were baiting kids, but... wait...

we qualify!

There's a Pistachio, remember?

which reminds me... thanks for the many well-wishes i've received =)

and on behalf of Lil Pistachio, thanks, and Happy April Fools' Day!