when your life is bought at a price

 "Every day i think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. 

And i've tried to live my life the best i could. 

i hope that was enough. 

i hope that at least in your eyes, i've earned what all of you have done for me." 

- Private Ryan, at the grave of Captain Miller, 

in the movie Saving Private Ryan.

in the past 2 weeks, i've watched The Passion four times, yet when we watched the clip in church again today, it was still different. Perhaps it was the song in the background... 

Why DID Jesus have to go through all that? 

For us. 

And that really says something about how we should live our lives. It really isn't our own. It was bought at a price.

***

been reading The Spiritual Man by watchman nee (a present from xueling! =) ) and it has been a blessing. A much needed word for me at this time. I'm not even halfway through the book, but it has been most helpful and timely.

it explains the distinctions between spirit, soul and body. Function of spirit: conscience, spiritual sense/ intuition, communion with God/ worship. Function of soul: will, intellect, emotion. How the spirit was meant to be foremost, but in our fallen state we place soul/flesh above the spirit. I'm crawling through the book- have to stop and chew and meditate at almost every page - but it's a highly recommended read.

it helps me understand myself and my struggles. it helps me understand why visiting certain websites feels so similar to eating junk food - so addictive because it stirs passion, thoughts, arguments, but it makes me feel so "unhealthy", cause my soul is overfed and spirit is hungry. And that's been my diet for a while! When i scrutinize my day, my thoughts, my google reader list... and my words and deeds.

i was appalled to realize that recently, when i was disturbed, disgruntled, dismayed, disappointed, distracted by what i see around me, i found myself rushing in my soul to find a soulish solution. And my prescription for the world/ society/ school, born of my emotions and intellect, have been at best useless and unheeded, and at worst ungodly, divisive, witchcraft-like. 

I suppose that's what i get from having a fat soul and a skinny spirit huh. Hehe, there was a time when i knew instinctively that the solution to any problem was to pray and then to expect a miracle. What happened to that. 

i am to be a woman of the spirit. so says the one who bought me at a price.

so i better stop feeding my soul so much and start feeding my spirit more.

less time reading juicy, whiny, sarcastic, censorious sites.

more time worshiping and praying.

***

Everyday, i'll think about what you have done for me at the cross, 

and i'll try to live my life the best i can. 

i can never earn what you have done for me. 

But i want my life to say, "Thank You, my Saviour, my Lord, my Lover."

~yangshuyanfaith, at the foot of the cross, on 26 April 2009

***

Beware the pregnant woman

The old adage of letting preggies have what they crave seems to hold some truths...

when i was pregnant with Glory, i *yearned* to pull out munch's leg hair. 

"Just one? Please?"

My repeated requests were denied.

Now, Glory sits happily next to Papa, gleefully pulling at his leg hair. She pulls, then looks expectantly at Papa's face for a reaction. =) Exactly what i wanted to do then, but she's much more persistent, and perhaps more charming and persuasive.

Bet Papa wishes he'd allowed me to pluck JUST ONE HAIR back then. 

Muahahahahhah.

I'm thinking of pretending to have a pluck-armpit hair fetish, just to scare munch. =)

Glory's first injury

It was a moment that is now etched in my memory.

She was sitting on Papa's lap comfortably - i remember wanting to comment on how comfortable she looked- when she suddenly decided to crawl off. But Papa and her were at the edge of the mattress, which meant she was effectively diving headfirst off Papa's leg. 

And in a second, her face smashed onto the floor.

She started crying and I quickly cuddled her.

Oh no... please let her nose be ok, please let her teeth be ok...

Soon, blood started flowing from her mouth, staining my arms and neck, where she'd buried her face. 

We checked. Her teeth were still intact. Her nose looked ok too.

Phew.

She probably just cut her lip on her teeth.

The blood clotted after a while, but her upper lip swelled, and she had a hard time eating her dinner that night, coz whenever something touched the wound, she would cry in pain.

In the big scheme of things, that was just a little fall.

But it was her first, and trite as it sounds, it hurt me more than it hurt her.

Lots of regrets too - we had been talking about buying a playmat for more than a month, and i kept putting it off. "Was the bumper playmat necessary? Should i get the cheaper ones from Mini Toons instead? But the Mini Toons ones didn't fold up nicely and weren't as portable. But the ones from Smallsmallworld are so expensive.... " And so in my indecisiveness it was put off again and again and again.

But no longer.

I have placed an order for the bumper playmat. The 15mm thick one, no less.

I don't intend to be an overly protective parent, coz i think it's unhealthy for the child. 

But seeing her bleed and cry, and knowing that her injury would have been mitigated had i put a playmat next to the mattress... 

Which reminds me, i need to babyproof her room and put up the child-gate at her door, now that she's getting quite mobile.