Oh Oh Oh (or, The Big Three Os)

The day passed by in a truly unbirthday-like flurry of visits, doctor visit, blood tests and bad news. Suddenly i'm no longer in my 20s. I don't even qualify for LATE 20s. I've hit the big three-O.

"Some things haven't changed," I thought to myself one sleepless night. It was a sleepless night not so much because of Celeste, but because i was doing a marathon. A Gossip Girl marathon. 

Yes, at the ripe old age of 30, I'm still watching crappy teeny shows. And i'm still staying up all night to watch them, like some ill-disciplined youth. And yes, when there's a super cute actor in the show, i still do notice.  (and google him to find out a lil bit more, if he's cute enough and i'm free enough)

But some things HAVE changed. Just take the recent GG marathon. 

I know i'm old when i actually am interested in the sub-plots of the show - the lives of the main characters' parents. 

I know i'm old when i actually find Rufus more charming than Nat. 

When i find myself looking at Lily and admiring her clothes and the way she carries herself, but wondering what Blair was thinking decorating herself with Minnie Mouse's bows.

Oh, and, instead of feasting on chips, popcorn and coolers while i watched, i had muesli bars and Similac Milk for lactating mothers. 

Instead of periodically pausing to gush with a friend over the show, i paused to nurse a baby instead.

Ha, and i actually could sing along to that Lisa Loeb song (Stay) at Rufus' concert. What, THAT is considered an oldie already??

Sigh.

I HAVE moved on to the next phase, haven't i.

Was looking at a friend's travel pics on facebook - not just looking, but looking longingly. 

Hers was no diaper-milk-puree-baby-in-tow holiday. She went on a series of Contiki tours, complete with pub crawls, crazy parties and a fake wedding. And i realized that HORRORS! in 5 years time i wouldn't even qualify for a Contiki tour!!! I could throw money at them and they'd say, "Sorry Aunty, this tour has an age limit, you're too old."

"No no no! I promise to be good! I won't nag at the young ones to put on (warm) clothes!"

"Na-ah, having old people around would just spoil the fun. "

So appalled i was by the idea of never going on another irresponsibly fun holiday again that i mulled over the possibility of leaving our two babies with my mummy while munch and i go for one last bash before we turn 35. I eagerly ran that idea past munch, and he staidly replied, "You know i won't go drinking and partying."

Looks like i'll have to leave him with my mummy too then.

And the Answer is?

She's a full term baby.

The liver function test shows her liver is functioning.

There's ample milk, she's feeding well, so it's not breastfeeding jaundice.

They took her off breastmilk and put her on formula, and it didn't help - it's not breastmilk jaundice.

Munch, Celeste and I are of the same blood-group, so it's not blood group incompatibility jaundice.

The labour wasn't long and traumatic, so it was not jaundice caused by bruising etc, however tiny the chances of that.

In short, medical science cannot tell us what caused her jaundice.

The paedietrician narrowed it down to 2 rare occurances 

 - blood type the same but SOMEHOW still incompatible. Have to wait for antibodies to be gone.

 - liver functioning, but SOMEHOW still cannot process the bilirubin.

Would that explanation satisfy you? Coz not, right? 

Truth is, they DON'T have the answer.

Like my MIL. The doctors can operate, fix the bones back to the correct places, cast the leg, wash the wound, prescribe medicine, vitamins, creams whatever, but they cannot make the wound heal.

Like the H1N1 thingy - they can say it is dangerous "ONLY" for people with "pre-existing" conditions, and those "pre-existing conditions" covers a gamut of situations: pneumonia, heart problems, pregnant, very old, very young, high blood pressure, and well, i dunno... headaches? stress? overweight? underweight? And yet, we still have casualties who have no pre-existing conditions.

We don't really have the answers do we?

High Expectations?

If You are willing, she would be fine. 

I know it's not for lack of faith - i fully expected each time she went for the test that she would be well, but four times i'd been wrong.

It's not for lack of prayer. I've prayed for Celeste even before she was born, am still praying for her, and i know many others are praying with me.

As if the sorrow of being away from Celeste once again isn't enough, it's made worse by the bewilderment. I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE ALLOWED THIS!

He spoke and the world was made, He healed the blind, the leprous, the lame - what is lowering jaundice level to him? 

Why doesn't my Father just strengthen my baby's liver, lower the jaundice level, make her well? Why would he allow her to be pricked so many times, warded twice?

i clearly remember God promised protection not only for me, but also for my "tent", and Celeste is definitely in my tent.  Psalm 91... ok, granted, jaundice may not count as a "disaster", but still...

... WHY?

I suppose it's a variation of the age old question of "why does a loving God allow suffering". Who can answer that?

But like the blind man who received a "partial healing" at first, i will not sit back and pretend i will make do with a partial blessing. 

I may not understand, but I know He can, and I expect Him to heal perfectly.

Away from Celeste

It isn't that hard waking up every hour to nurse.

It isn't that hard dropping everything and tend to her needs when she cries.

It isn't that hard having to change her diaper ever so often. (and i mean OFTEN. she has wet farts...)

What is really hard is to hold her while the doctor pricks her heel once again. 

To hear that the reading has gone up. 

To hear that she has to be warded. 

To sit at the hospital's registration counter, to hold her close and watch her sleeping peacefully in my arms, knowing that for the first time in 9 months, she's gonna be away from me. 

To see the spartan container that is to be her bed for a while, the harsh UV lights that will be her constant companion.

To walk away from the nursery without my baby in my arms.

I KNOW she's gonna be alright.

I just don't like being away from her.

And i don't like them drawing blood from her all the time.

***

Please pray for Celeste, that her liver will develop perfectly, and her jaundice level will fall and normalise, that she won't have to be warded anymore.

And then there were four

First moments...

Squiggly being suctioned.

Squiggly wrapped up. 

Squiggly in Mama's arms.

Her feet are so small, said Papa,

It's the size of my thumb!

Celeste comes home.

Hello Mei Mei, I am Jie Jie!

Almost a JieJie...

Glory was going to be a jie jie soon! To celebrate her last days of being an only child, we picnicked and played and went for outings as much as we could.

She also practised being a Jie Jie by taking care of Binglun (whom she affectionately calls Ah-Bing)

Meanwhile, Celeste was excited too! 

She even prepared a gift for JieJie! =)

The gift...

A lovely pink tricycle with a keyboard for music-making on the go! Or busking, if required.

JieJie Glory was delighted when she received the present. She as also very pleased with the letter from MeiMei Celeste.

What did the letter say?

Zoom Zoom! goes Glory. She calls the tricycle her car...

 

Driving to pick up some stuff from the shops.

Taking a walk after the shopping. Having a serious discussion with Papa.

Walking is tiring stuff. Bao-bao is best.

And that night, PaPa and MaMa went to the hospital to get Mei Mei!