Embargoed News!

Been feeling pukey all this week, the feeling comes and go, rather frequently. Munch had to deal with several episodes of Jekyll n Hyde..





We'd be talking happily...





=)



"chat chat chat chat...."




When suddenly...










*face change*






=(






"Wait. Don't talk to me for awhile. I feel pukey"

***

It felt as if i was constantly having motion-sickness, and after a tiring day/ reading/ using the computer for awhile, it gets worse.



As it frequently happens, i always seem to feel unwell at crucial times: This week was the last teaching week before the Sec 4NAs go for their N Levels, and the Sec 3s go for their EOY exams.





I tried to let it pass without taking sick leave, but it just didn't pass.

***

So i finally went to the doc's. When i told the doctor about my discomfort, he quizzed me about the usual...


"diarrhoea?"

"no."





"pregnant?"

"no."







"fever?"

"no."







He did the "press-press-pain-or-not?" thing and could find nothing wrong.








Then he started asking me "psychological" questions.







"Nothing's wrong with your stomach. No inflammation...Sure you're not pregnant?"

"Sure"




"Are you stressed? Troubled lately? Sometimes these could be triggered by stress."

"No, i'm not very stressed."







"Nothing happened recently? Big changes? Very busy marking books?"

"Errr.. busy, but it's normal busy."







I was rather annoyed... i was sure it wasn't psychosomatic, i was sure i 've been unwell the whole week, and why couldn't the doctor diagnose what was wrong?






"Hmmm... then i want to go back to the possibility of pregnancy. Why are you so sure you aren't pregnant?"




I gave my "reasons" and was greeted with an incredulous look - apparently my reasons were absurd. (Basically along the lines of "so hard to get pregnant, where got so lucky one")






So he did a test for me, and ... voila!
















we're pregnant! =)

***

i know people usually embargo such news till 3 months into the pregnancy... but really, why do people do that??

After all, the Baby is already created by God (perhaps 6 weeks ago)!!







The doctor said that with all pregnancies, there is a 15% chance of not making it through the first trimester.







But that, to me, is not a valid reason for silence... i mean, the baby is already right... here *beams*. Isn't it right that we all acknowledge this miraculous creation, this miraculous gift?






Even if something happens to him/her later on, it can never take away the fact that he/she's here right now! =)













God made, God sees, God loves, God thinks about, God is with my Baby!! =)

***

Psalm 139

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.
***

Increase in HDB mortgage rate soon?

Been wondering if the HDB mortgage rate would go up along with the increased CPF interest rate.
Checked and found this article, which says the next revision would be in January 2008. Based on their usual practice of charging mortgage interest at 0.1% above their interest rate, does it mean our CPF mortgage rate would go up by 1 percent too??

Sharks. Shoots.
My loan is greater than what i have in CPF.
=(

Hope not.
Has anything been announced yet?

Lemongrass Overdose

On Monday, i stepped into the staff room and was hit by yet another pang of Phuket nostalgia.... I even thought i could smell the lemongrass!
The smell was so real that i could follow its trail like a bloodhound...
and i found this.


the Staff Welfare Committee put an air-purifier in the staffroom.
And... The scent du jour was Lemongrass!!I was elated!

Did someone in SWC read my blog/MSN display name mind ? hmmm...
(hehehe, yes, the world revolves around me)


Happily, i borrowed the bottle and added a little to my homeroom air-purifier too!
Was great for a while. Ever so often, i would stand near the air purifier and take several deep breaths.
Instant getaway.

Sadly, barely 2 days passed, and the Magic of Lemongrass has been destroyed.
Now, the smell simply fades into the background of my consciousness, and when i strain to catch a whiff of it, it no longer invokes memory of a sweet holiday, but just... well, staff room and home room and provision for doubtful debts.


HAiz.

Are You a Fake?

Tired, doubtful, disappointed, but feel you have to put up an OK front for others' sake?

Joy in service diminishing?

Finding church and all its peripherals too much trouble - dying to cut back to the bare minimal?

Tempted to leave it all?

Detecting something fake within your heart? In the church?

Read this book!

Faking Church by Dan Schaeffer.

A good read!

He suggests that a "fake spirituality", a fake Christian walk, a fake church starts insidiously. The original intent may be pure, but along the way, seeds of defection set in. And as more and more of us get tainted, the church gets tainted. (little wonder, then, why so many leave the church, but not the faith.)

I'm still in the middle of it, and already i have been made aware of the numerous "seeds of defection" in my heart. So many symptoms i can identify with, so many examples that read like they were taken from my life.

Well, if the first step to transformation is recognition of my problem, i think i'm on the first step...So ugly!

haven't reached the solution part though. Geesh.

Can't wait...

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Amen

A Whiff of Lemongrass

So overdue, but still so close to my mind....

The lovely Phuket trip in June.

I'm a scrooge, so i put everyone on a Tiger Airways flight...

But once we got there, it was luxury all the way~~~~!!!

(thanks to Dad's friend!!)

A private ferry to take us to our duplex villa.

Step outta the room, into the pool!

View from our roof top massage hideout.

Great view in the room and bathroom (with private jacuzzi) too!







Yummy surprises delivered to our duplex ever so often =)
And our choice of aromatherapy scent each night!


people i love.
Kor, next time make sure u join us!!



Mummy, with a pyramid of rice.


Our daily freeflow cocktail and snacks!
We downed Magheritas and Bloody Mary's and champagne and wine everyday. Decadence!

Khian... still thinks he can fly.

Sigh... at least he no longer tells us the security guards are trailing him.

At Patong Area. Ermmmm...

Khian n Munch, our secret hor!!!!!

Similan Island... =)

Ahhh.... a piece of heaven.

Now I use a lemongrass-scented conditioner.

Somehow it takes me a lil closer to Phuket, to holidays, to leisure, to daddy n mummy n khian.

Better than a swig of whiskey to take me away from the humdrum of school.

Sooooo looking forward to the next holiday! Nothing fanciful, we're trying to get our retirement funds in order before we splurge....

The next trip'll probably be to Chiangmai with Ray n YT n Munch... we're gonna visit Brighton Chiangmai Church!! =) =)

And, perhaps, a trip to Vietnam with the gals?

I can't wait for the hols...

sigh... am i just lazy, or did God make me an uber-leisure-loving woman?

If only my job and calling in life is to go for holidays.

If only...

My Silent Scream...

Runaway Train ~ Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep, there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

[Chorus:]
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

[Chorus]
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

[Chorus]
Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same
= = = @ @ @ = = = @ @ @ = = =
This song seems to be my silent scream right now... Why?
I don't know yet...
Rushing off to meet someone...
perhaps later i'll slow down...
and wallow a little...
and ask God...
and then, who knows,
i may understand me...

Reflections: The Discipline of Service

One great thing about having time off from work is that i get to immerse myself deeply and slowly in God's word and reflect - allowing my mind to be renewed not with worldly wisdom, but to allow His word and the Holy Spirit to convict me and correct me...
And man, do i need loads of corrections!

Was listening to Ps Benny's sermon on "The Discipline of Service" and was struck by his contrast of true service vs self-centred service.

1. Self-centred service is unduly concerned about impressing others. A sign of this would be a concern about numbers, size, scale, grandeur. Another symptom would be a tendency to somehow keep an eye on whether anyone's watching us serve, to manipulate it such that whenever we are serving, people who count see it or know it. We are only happy when our service is noticed.
True service says, "Don't look at me, look at my God." Like, when Peter raised Tabitha from the dead. Raising someone from the dead IS a big deal. Someone who serves selfishly would probably have released a few DVDs, write a few books, speak at many seminars, run a course on 7 Ways of Raising People from the Dead etc. But Peter did it quietly, then, as if nothing happened, stayed at Simon the tanner's house for a few days. How ordinary, without any fanfare.

2. Self-centred service demands to serve. When i feel like it, when i feel it is my time, i demand to serve in the place i want to. It is based not on the needs of those i am serving, but on my feelings of wanting to serve.
True service is given freely when needed, and can be withheld when not needed.

3. Self-centred service is love for the service, true service is love for the people you serve. Ps Benny spoke about how one day, Ps Kong Hee shared with him that City Harvest is a strong church because his sheep know that he is willing to lay down his life for them. Ps Benny reflected and found that he was willing, instead, to lay down his sheep for his life! And he realized that he loved what he was doing to them - preaching, teaching etc, rather than actually loving them. And that realisation prompted him to change.

It was this point that struck me.
How true indeed.

Do i love the kids such that i am willing to lay down my life for them?
Do i love my students such that i am willing to lay down my life for them?
Do i love my CG such that i am willing to lay down my life for them?

Or do i just love "playing" kids ministry, "playing" teacher, "playing" CG and church?

True service IS sacrificial and selfless.
Jesus was a true servant.
He laid down His life for me.
I want to learn to be a true servant too.

Holidays and Princess Grace

Choir camp is over.
My invigilation duties for the week are over.
I relish the luxury of sitting at a cafe, finishing up a good book, typing on my Baby Lappy on a lovely weekday morning.
Thank you, God, for everything.
For my family, all you've given me, safety and health, friends...
***
when everything appears pretty, like now, it's easy to feel that "happily ever after" has started.
Yet, it hasn't really.

Just read an email update from Grace in Chiang Mai.
And it was so moving to see her battle so courageously.
She's such a princess in appearance - pretty, pink, girly.
But wow, her tenacity and yieldedness to God is the stuff heroes are made of.

A very human, protective, cowardly, satan-inspired (like peter) instinct in me wants to say to her, "Enough, come back and rest for awhile. You've done enough for the people there, you've done enough for God there. You deserve to rest, there are so many others who should also be obliged to go, so many others who haven't sacrificed like you did." It sounds reasonable, but it reeks of satan.

But not her. Her email had nothing of the whiny voice of Self-Pity. Nothing of the bitter voice of Resentment. Nothing of the cowardly whimpers of Quitter.

Right in our midst, we have an example to follow.

A warrior, a faithful lover of God.

What a beauty. What an inspiration.

Fight on, dear sister.
Your labour in the Lord is never in vain.
May every tear, every sacrifice, every pain result in a multiplied harvest.
May you, as you labour, see with eyes of faith the reward that is yours in heaven.
May the abiding presence of the Holy Spirit be your friend and help and comfort.

And, we're with you too.

Munch gave me a Baby Laptop!!!! =)

My long-awaited Baby Laptop is here!
Yeah, i know, it's supposed to be called "UMPC", but i think "Baby Laptop" suits it better.

See how small it is next to a normal-sized laptop!
Adorable rite!!!



You can swivel the screen, and it becomes a tablet!!
And it fits into my handbag!

I like it very much!!
Ever since Edwin bought his, i've been yearning for mine.
It's so portable, it fits into my bag, and ..... IT'S JUST SO ADORABLE!!
Yet i couldn't quite say i NEED it. I just want it. Coz it's cute.
And munch got it for me!!!! =) =) He's cute too!!! =) =)

I think i wanna get a nice case for my cutey lappy. The original case is white, and i soooo know that i'm gonna dirty it soon.
Anyone knows where i can find nice ones?


Pictures from www.kohjinsha.com.sg
Product specs can be found there too, if you are interested in adopting a baby yourself! =)

Of Eyes and Heart.

The Eyes
It's so easy to think we are seeing, when we are not. And then we get frustrated in the process, coz we lose sight of the REAL goal and the REAL battle.
At the Christian Teachers' TDay Conference today, i was reminded that our struggle is NOT against flesh and blood - students, parents, time, colleagues nor systemic flaws. Our war is against the darkness and godlessness that is trying to attack our youths.
Our struggle is not with kids acting up and fighting, or us getting discouraged or tired or ill or otherwise preoccupied on saturday afternoons.
Our struggle is not against frustrations in ministry, hurts in our hearts, people who would wound us to get their way.
Our Fight goes beyond what our eyes can see, we need the eyes of our hearts.
We need to see that we are in a great divine story, we need to know which scene we're at so we don't get perplexed or thrown off.

As Gandalf describes the tale,
"Fate has chosen him.
A fellowship will protect him.
Evil will hunt him."

Evil will hunt us. That's where we are now. It's not quite the "happily ever after" part yet.
And whether or not we perceive with the eyes of our hearts does matter - If i feel the discouragement and weariness in my heart, and try to reason it with the eyes, i'd say i need a break, i've been in this for too long, i'm not the right person for the job. i'd look for a way outta here.
But if i perceive with the eyes of my heart, i'd recognize the battle and say "get thee behind me, Satan". I'd gird up my loins, be focused and alert.I'd stand stronger.
So my dear me, take a good look, and SEE those issues for what they really are. Put on your spiritual armour, and pray!

The Heart

The Tin Woodman's story...
Nick Chopper used to make his living chopping down trees in the forests of Oz. He worked hard in order to fulfill his greatest desire: to marry the love of his life, a Munchkin maiden.
The Wicked Witch of the East enchanted his axe to prevent him from marrying his beloved: The enchanted axe chopped off his limbs, one by one.
Each time he lost a limb, a tinsmith replaced it with a limb made of tin. Initially, it seemed an advantage, for his metal body allowed him to work powerfully. With a heart of love, and limbs that never tire, it looked as if he had beaten the Wicked Witch!
However, one day the axe sliced him in two halves. The tinsmith who helped fix his torso neglected to give him a heart.
Once Nick Chopper was made entirely of tin, he was no longer able to love the girl he had fallen for. But he didn't think it mattered at first. In fact, he was pleased with his tireless body, and that the axe could no longer cut him as he was made entirely of tin. So he worked on - he worked hard... without love.
Till he got rusted and had time to think.
And he found... he wanted a heart back, coz he was happiest when he could love.

***
Weren't we pleased when we got for ourselves arms and legs of tin.
Weren't we pleased when we learnt how to cope with life,
to excel at work, to swing with ministry, to use our gifts.
Weren't we pleased when we worked with all our might,
when our hearts were filled with love.

Who knew, when that fatal blow struck,
cut us in two, and broke our hearts.
And we thought we just needed to be fixed.
"A metal body, and make it quick!"
And we quickly got back into things....

Who knew, when our metaled body did all the work
faster, better than before?
well oiled, unflinching,
toughened, no longer afraid of the axe?
Who knew that the heart isn't there?
Did we?
We manically go on chopping and chopping,
falling trees at an unprecedented speed.
did we care that we didn't feel?
did we know that we couldn't feel?
As many trees as we can, as quickly as we can.

Marry my love? Or merely chopping trees?

When the joints stiffened, when the oil ran out,
When we were struck down and were forced to think...

We find we need a heart...

****
Matt Redman
When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
***

Jesus, take me past the knowledge that it has got to be all about You,
give me that heart that simply whispers, screams, sings, hums "Jesus" all the time.