Am i a Finisher?

It's been 2 weeks since i spoke to him, yet something he said is still ringing in my mind. A niggling thought that refuses to go away. Like an unchecked item on a To-do list. Even as other old-stuff are done and checked off, and new stuff are being added, then cleared, that One Old Unchecked Item stands there. Screaming silently. Something i know i need to ponder and deal with, but have been unwilling to really think about it.

***

He said,

"You gotta know how far you will go. And that is something only you know. When i start out on something, i go all the way to the end. I'll fight the people in the highest place if i have to, but i know myself. I go all the way. Will you? You gotta know how far you will go with things."

***

He wasn't someone i spoke often with, so I was surprised that he seemed to understand my dreams and desire, without me saying much. He shared his insights, his experience, his dreams, his advice... which were so relevant that it surprised me. Was it a coincidence? Was it intuition?Was it wisdom? Or was it from experience- because he had seen too many like me - bright-eyed, idealistic, optimistic, hopeful that "changing the world" was possible for anyone who cared to try?

***

He said,
"You gotta know how far you will go. And that is something only you know. When i start out on something, i go all the way to the end. I'll fight the people in the highest place if i have to, but i know myself. I go all the way. Will you? You gotta know how far you will go with things."

***

When he said THAT sentence, i knew it struck something in me. I knew it is something i should deal with.



Did many before me hope to build a better world? Did they fail because they gave up after failing? Will i become just one of those - who have tried and given up?

It's easy to want something, to say i want it, to dream about having it, to plan to achieve it, even starting out to achieve it.

But what if things got hard? Will i stand my grounds and keep pressing for change? What if it comes at a great price? What if it involves failing many times? Would i still press on? Or would i say, "Ah, i tried. It's not meant to be." and allow my dreams to die?

I say i want to shape young minds by writing children stories. Will i let a busy schedule suffocate my dreams? Will i let rejections from publishers suffocate my dreams? Heck, will i let a lack of a pink baby-laptop suffocate my dreams?



Am i hampered by a fail of failure? Am i so afraid of disappointments that i'd rather not try? Frankly, when i considered the competitiveness of getting a scholarship and a place in LKYSPP, a loserly voice within me whimpered, "Forget it. Take the easier way out. Leave things as they are. If you don't try you don't get disappointed."

Or what if i get to a place where i can get my views heard, yet face great opposition? Would i stay the course and fight on? Or would i simply bow out after having said my piece?

I was soundly reminded that if i am not prepared to fight till the end, perhaps i should not start at all.

***
Jesus said,

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'
"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.
"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

***

I suppose there ARE people who are brainy and passionate like MM Lee.

But how many are willing to build, at all cost?

***

Am i a finisher?