One of 'em weeks...

This week is one of THOSE weeks.
Term Three means school is a mad house.
Add on leaders' meetings, home visits, sports club, P&P, CG means every night is packed too.
Today, after yet another (u-i) meeting in school, and faced with many undone tasks, i was really reluctant to go for home visits.
Agh! Can i just backslide for one evening? Let me catch up with my work!
But of coz God said no. Duh.

As i shuffled resignedly to the loo and back, ready to pack up and go, my day turned for the better.
A friend who has been visiting Brighton said he's "glad that he has his friends at Brighton." As he spoke about the friends he has made there, and that he's happy there, my tiredness lifted.
Indeed, I am thankful too! Perhaps after having been in the church for so long, i forget to be appreciative of my brothers and sisters in church. Now that he's mentioned it, yeah! I'm thankful for the Brightonites!
Then he shared about his (tentative) walk with God. =) =) =) It's very happifying and encouraging! Go ask him abt it!!

Greatly cheered and feeling that life was worth living and all was not futile, i made my way to MacPherson.

And i'm glad i did. Saw the fear and pain in my children. Saw the harshness of their lives.

And D&d have both lost weight. =(

As munch n i spent the night with them, we learnt about the recent events in their lives, how school has been, their best friends, best moments, worst moments, their tears...

d hid and watched and cried when their parents fought.
she didn't have and poster colour for art lesson.
but someone shared with her and she made a new best-friend.
some days she doesn't take lunch.
some days she doesn't have dinner.

D spoke about fights in class.
And about gangsters and beers and smoking.
And he's 10.

i wish i could always ensure they have their meals.
I wish i could sit and listen to them every day.
I wish i could watch them everyday, to make sure they don't get into fights and the wrong company.

But i can't.
They're mine, but they're not mine.

sigh.

They ate, we prayed together, then we brought them home.

They're not mine, but they're God's.
And He can watch over them all the time.

Then i wondered...
an hour with them seem so much more fruitful than... errrmm... that 2 hours meeting i just had. In fact... it could even be more fruitful than the 12 hours i just spent in school! One day i am soooo gonna query the Singapore education system.

And i wondered...
There are self-help groups and charities and RCs and stuff... does organising stuff, setting up groups enable these people to be helped more effectively? Or does it just result in bureaucracy, inefficiencies, impersonal policies that purport to solve problems without recognizing that each problem is different?

And i wondered...
Does the "total household income" magically reveal the needs of a family? How many parents are unable to cope with parenthood? How many children are suffering for their parents' ignorance?

And i wondered...
Why do "they" spend so much effort decorating the estate for a visit by a minister? Shouldn't the minister be the one sitting on the broken sofas of the households, listening to the real stories?

***
How about we all spend a little less time on fanciful stuff?
How about we all spend a little less time glorifying ourselves?
How about we all take a look at the children, a really good look?
***
Kidz Team, we must do it ok?
Because they are precious.
They belong to God and we're taking care of the King's Kids.

Shrewdness... a step up? a step down?

Been reading "The Singapore Story" by MM Lee (yeah... i know...) and i was struck by his shrewdness.
It's easy for us simple folks to take the moral high ground and berate shrewdness and cunning as being insincere, untruthful, manipulative. It's easier for us simple folks to join the taxi-drivers and coffee-shop talkers in lambasting the GST-hikes, ministerial salary hikes, Integrated Resorts plans (which i do intend to continue denouncing...).
After all, speaking for the underdog, and being sincere, honest and simple have timeless appeal. Our hearts simply long for that because we were created to desire beauty, love and adventure.
But when i read and observe what MM Lee had accomplished, i think shrewdness can actually be quite a profitable trait.
Take for example his battle to stabilize and establish post-colonial Singapore. Yoking with pro-Communists to gain a foothold, then playing against them to gain another rung. Had i been a communist in that era, I would have despised him! It would have been one of those issues that would fire up my belly, one of those issues that i would have loved to speak against, i would have considered his methods low, and his character suspect!
But, assuming communism is bad and capitalism is good (as is the popular assumption today), he's actually quite the hero!

In contrast, my tools have always been the simple ones - love and pure intentions, prayer and earnestness. I truly believe that with every wayward kid, teen, even adult offender, these tools will bring a change.
Hehe... which may appear as foolishness to many, coz every "scolding" i try to give my students end up being a form of "Don't you know i love you? Don't you know you are precious? Come on! Change! You're made of better stuff and made for better stuff!"
It doesn't yield immediate visible behavioural results, but i really believe that's the way to go. And when they repeatedly misbehave? I honestly think the thing to do is to pray harder for them. (But this has resulted in my new AFI. Yikes. It stings a little, but well, I've gotta think about that and pray about that and change my methods if God convicts me.)

Maybe my methods really need some refinement. Is it because I'm too much of an idealist? too simplistic? In comparison i am such a .... bulldozer.

Problem: Delinquent child
Solution: Smother him with love.

Problem: Immoral society
Solution: Surround the people with bible teachings.

Issue: Casino
My argument: Don't argue anymore about economic gains and limiting impact- it simply won't be fruitful and beneficial coz God can't be for it.

Issue: Homosexuality
My argument: Love the homosexual person. As for the act, God says cannot. And that settles it.

Haiz. My lack of shrewdness is apparent. My distaste for strategies and plans is apparent.
Score board for CGs? Welcome-Action Cards??
Shudder...
Managing other people's impression of me? Networking?
Shudder.....

But maybe - just maybe- they can help achieve the goals without desecrating the purity of motives?

Is shrewdness and sincerity mutually exclusive? How much blessing that shrewdness will bring, if coupled with pure love and sincere motives and good intentions!Is that what Jesus meant by being as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves?

Perhaps shrewdness would be to carry that goal in the heart instead of on the lips. Then with the lips and hands, do all that is necessary to attain that goal.
But the goal has got to be from God, and the hands and lips have to be seasoned with love and grace. Otherwise, i'd just be a terrorist or a bigot or a tyrant or something.

i had a dream

We were on a roof top, waiting for the rain God promised.

The skies were clear, no rain clouds in sight.
Many doubted.
Yet many spoke "words of faith", seeking out clouds in the horizon.
"Those clouds would surely come here. Coz God promised. They're coming. See them drifting here?"
Does it matter if the sky is overcast?
Must we see the rain clouds before we believe?

True enough, a wift of black clouds drifted overhead.
Just a tiny sliver.The rain hasn't fallen.
"There, it's coming now! See, we knew it!"
Does it matter that there is cloud in the sky?
Is any proof required?
Some still doubted.

The rain poured down. In torrents.
It couldn't be from that little sliver of cloud alone.
It had to be more than "just rain".
We ran out, arms stretched out.
Every drop from God. We wanted more.
Stretch your arms! Get it all!
Pour down on me!
Could anyone doubt?
Some still doubted!
"It's just rain! It always rains!"

A Sheet. A Material. White. Muslin.
It floated over us.
It was proof that it was supernatural.
It hovered over me. Corner dipping.
My outstretched hand touched it. My left hand.
Did it? Did it?
I grasped again. I felt it.
I did. God meant it for me.

I grasped it, but only barely.
But i felt it, i touched it.
It was important.
It was more than enough.

-----

Today's worship song...

Rain Down - Planet Shakers

I am falling to my knees

I need You Lord to breathe in me

My prayer is still the same

My heart is calling out Your name

Sweet anointing fill this place

I am found in Your embrace

Rain down on me

Rain down on me

Here in Your presence I am free

Pour down like rain

Come and touch me again

Lord let Your presence fall on me

I’m longing just to see

Your power and Your majesty
Sweet anointing fill this place

I am found in Your embrace

Sweet anointing

Wash me over

Sweet anointing

Wash me over (REPEAT)

-----

What is the rain? Holy Spirit outpouring?
I searched rain on Biblegateway. 107 results...

Oh Lord, speak to me and make my ears sharp.
Let me hear and understand what you are saying.
Lead me to the right verses, speak to me in that clear voice,
direct my heart and my thoughts.

What is the rain? What of the faith exhibited do you want to teach me? What is the sheet? Why did it dip and why did You allow me to touch?

What do you want me to do Lord?
Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening.

Thankful. =)

Projects after projects, activities after activities, issues after issues...


I actually feel breathless and giddy at the end of each day.

But no, i am not pregnant.

And no, Justin, i WASN'T at the Gynae on Wednesday.


You know how sometimes planning a vacation kinda gives you "strength" to persevere? I do that sometimes... Love dreaming up the next holiday destination, then looking up info on that place on the net.
I'd have a folder for my current "holiday research" in my Favourites list. And ever so often, i would look at it - especially when i'm marking endless stacks of papers. It's like numbing myself from the present by engrossing myself in the future, as if the present doesn't exist.



It's almost like Click. Kinda like fastforwarding to a part you like better.


Caught myself thinking, "Yes, one more event down. Can't wait for National Day to be over."


But then, there's something not right about this...


After National Day, there'd be many other stuff! After the holidays, there'd still be more markings to do!



And i don't wanna mentally fastforward my life away!


And i don't wanna just accept and endure it... Enduring is not living.


Gotta learn to enjoy all these...





"Oh weeeeee! Marking!!! Yay! I can sit here for the next 6 hours and tick the same thing again and again! At least i'm not running around for 12 hours"


"Oh weeeeee! More events! Yay! I can run around for the next 12 hours! At least i'm not sitting down and marking!"





Hehe... actually it really just boils down to having a thanksgiving attitude huh.



So here we go... Thanksgiving items!!! ...





Although many teachers are compulsive grumblers, teaching is actually quite a dream job. Meaningful, a good degree of autonomy, plus get to have school holidays, which means time to go backpacking!!!


So i thank God for my job.



And on Wednesday, after visiting another school, i'm pretty glad i'm in Montfort!! but shan't say more abt it here... =P

Let's just leave it as i thank God i'm in montfort.



And, actually am quite pleased with 3e5 too. Was initially quite worried about YRHD, having to run the hall event while also looking after the class stall. We were having a water bomb stall...and we all know how obstreperous it can get if the water bombs fall into the wrong hands.

But they did well, they watched over every water bomb, reinforced the rules even when their friends begged to "just buy water bomb and play elsewhere", enjoyed themselves yet worked hard. =)

Such darlings. =)

i thank God for my class.

And i thank God that the weekend is here! =)

Weekend means CG, Kidz, Church and a lil breather...

Maybe if i pray very hard there'll be 3 weekdays and 4 weekends?

Abdullah?

It was a lovely Saturday morning.

Husband bought breakfast, and we were feasting ... Putu Mayam, Ramlee Burger, Tau Huay....

The TV was on... 64 year old Sherman Pore was singing, in memory of his wife who passed away coz of cancer.

Pore: (on TV) "....you belong to me....."

Husband: awwww....Abdullah is crying.

Me: (perplexed) ... (looks at TV) ... erm... She's Paula Abdul.

"Ey, hello, Paula Abdul hor. Not Paul Abdullah."

My Husband's so cute hor?

Am i a Finisher?

It's been 2 weeks since i spoke to him, yet something he said is still ringing in my mind. A niggling thought that refuses to go away. Like an unchecked item on a To-do list. Even as other old-stuff are done and checked off, and new stuff are being added, then cleared, that One Old Unchecked Item stands there. Screaming silently. Something i know i need to ponder and deal with, but have been unwilling to really think about it.

***

He said,

"You gotta know how far you will go. And that is something only you know. When i start out on something, i go all the way to the end. I'll fight the people in the highest place if i have to, but i know myself. I go all the way. Will you? You gotta know how far you will go with things."

***

He wasn't someone i spoke often with, so I was surprised that he seemed to understand my dreams and desire, without me saying much. He shared his insights, his experience, his dreams, his advice... which were so relevant that it surprised me. Was it a coincidence? Was it intuition?Was it wisdom? Or was it from experience- because he had seen too many like me - bright-eyed, idealistic, optimistic, hopeful that "changing the world" was possible for anyone who cared to try?

***

He said,
"You gotta know how far you will go. And that is something only you know. When i start out on something, i go all the way to the end. I'll fight the people in the highest place if i have to, but i know myself. I go all the way. Will you? You gotta know how far you will go with things."

***

When he said THAT sentence, i knew it struck something in me. I knew it is something i should deal with.



Did many before me hope to build a better world? Did they fail because they gave up after failing? Will i become just one of those - who have tried and given up?

It's easy to want something, to say i want it, to dream about having it, to plan to achieve it, even starting out to achieve it.

But what if things got hard? Will i stand my grounds and keep pressing for change? What if it comes at a great price? What if it involves failing many times? Would i still press on? Or would i say, "Ah, i tried. It's not meant to be." and allow my dreams to die?

I say i want to shape young minds by writing children stories. Will i let a busy schedule suffocate my dreams? Will i let rejections from publishers suffocate my dreams? Heck, will i let a lack of a pink baby-laptop suffocate my dreams?



Am i hampered by a fail of failure? Am i so afraid of disappointments that i'd rather not try? Frankly, when i considered the competitiveness of getting a scholarship and a place in LKYSPP, a loserly voice within me whimpered, "Forget it. Take the easier way out. Leave things as they are. If you don't try you don't get disappointed."

Or what if i get to a place where i can get my views heard, yet face great opposition? Would i stay the course and fight on? Or would i simply bow out after having said my piece?

I was soundly reminded that if i am not prepared to fight till the end, perhaps i should not start at all.

***
Jesus said,

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'
"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.
"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

***

I suppose there ARE people who are brainy and passionate like MM Lee.

But how many are willing to build, at all cost?

***

Am i a finisher?

Butterflies from the Past...


As i was leaving the school today, i saw a boy running in the field, trying to catch the birds hopping in the field.


...And i thought about catching butterflies ( or was it dragonflies?) with Huiping in VJ field....
...And playing with the water when the PE dept teachers were trying to water the field...
...And hiding from mr chai at night. and sleeping under the study room table...
...And the ODAC camps and silly AJ adventures...

I love you, peck!! =)

Sistas 4eva! =)

And if you really don't wanna, i shall not mention the "i-love-you" balloon at your wedding! ;)

Thots of an... erm.... Extremist?

Just attended a Racial Harmony Forum today. Thot it was pretty interesting - perhaps coz religion/society/policy/education is like my thang-of-da-moment.

Or perhaps i liked it simply coz it wasn't one of those run-of-the-mill "sharing and show-casing" sessions. like, why would i wanna spend an hour learning what YOUR school's NE Framework is like?!?!

It was also quite thought-provoking.
In fact, i'm provoked into thinking i might qualify as a religious extremist!

GASP! ISD's gonna come and get me! I'm gonna get sacked! I'm gonna go to prison! Do not pass GO! Do not collect $200 (GST Package)!

See, i have entirely given my life to Jesus and so have entirely taken on His judgement and standards as to what is right. So to me, morality is an absolute. It's not about rationalizing what is beneficial or harmless or harmful anymore, it's simply about obeying what God decrees, as revealed in the bible. Which must seem loony to the non-religious. And which may, according to certain definitions, qualify me as a religious extremist.

Which made me wonder if i should go and zi4 shou3 to the ISD.

But wait.

I think i'm not a threat to Internal Security, coz i will never attempt to bomb/ kill/ plane-crash my way to victory.
I believe my weapons to change the world is simply a life of love, giving, holiness and prayer.
Really. So dun come and catch me kae? ;)

Many other food for thought - cold war, Fukuyama vs Huntington, different types of secularism, can singapore handle a REAL, no-holds-barred inter-religious debate yet, is polite avoidance of certain topics the best way to ensure racial/religious harmony?
The Uber-Geek in me is growing and i so long to research on this and .. like... come up with a plan to save the world! =O
And i shall get to that once munchie gets me my baby lap-top/ Lifebook, and i get that scholarship, and i get into the LKYSPP.
Ah... that's the Uber-Airhead in me fighting to be heard... "GIMME MY BABY LAPTOP!!!!!!! PINK COLOUR ONE!!!!!!!"

And as the forum came to a close, some (very prejudiced, over-generalized) thoughts came to my mind...

The Academic gave a cryptic, secular, jaded, new-agey-enlightened talk.
The one with the Middle-East sounding name shares my view on absolute morality. But i dun think we need to be worried abt him being a religious extremist.
The AngMo who is now a Singaporean shares his feelings and charms the crowd by talking about durians and his affection for the Singapore passport and flag.
During the Q&A, the Idealist Teacher wonders if there's a more frank approach to all these.
The concerned PSG asks us to work on religion & morality, instead of being forever concerned about religion & disharmony. (Hear, hear! i'm not a lone voice after all!)
The intellectual PSG asks about the beginnings and causes of terrorism.

And then...

The politician finishes it off with THE prepared, cliche speech.
Really. Not that i want to suan people.
It had all those words you'd expect to hear...
"small, no resources, people are our only resource"
"cannot take racial harmony for granted"
"examples of racial tension..."

heeee... i think i've even read that same speech to the school at last year's RHD!

=X

oooooooppppsssss. NOW the ISD's gonna get me ;)

It Works! It Works!

I'm trying to rehab my ankle back into action.
Tried swimming, which is great, as long as i don't kick the wall and re-spoil my ankle.
Tried stationary-biking, which is safe, but well, simply isn't fun.
Yesterday, i finally tried jogging and.... it works it works! it hurts much less, and feels less flimsy now.
My ankle's repaired, and i can use it again!

Yay!!!
Badminton next week!!! =)
Sports Club next Wednesday, anyone?

IT'S NOT OK!

2 murders, right here in Singapore.
Killed by their own spouses, the very ones who were supposed to care, protect, love, cherish.
Seems like the only parts of their marriage vows they remembered were the "till death do us part" bits huh?
Grrrrr... It's just not right!

Look, don't "they" see that almost everyone has got a wrong perception of marriage?
Don't "they" care that "they" are perpetrating it?
Don't we know that "they" refers to each one of us?

Stop sending the message that affairs, immorality and selfish pusuit of "happiness, prosperity and progress" are fine!

But i'll never get my voice heard!
It's drowned in the anthem of "personal choice", "subjective morality", "progress, change and a liberal society."
They say, "that's your opinion on relationship. the world has moved on. you can have your opinions, but you can't impose your views on others."
"Move with the times! We need the pink dollar!! We can't afford to be be left behind! Economy is king!"

so conveniently, affairs and "alternative lifestyles" are glamourised.
committment and faithfulness are trivialised.

You think it's fair this way, coz we both get to keep our views.

But it doesn't work that way!

Coz YOUR views are too attractive to the flesh!
You offer Coke or Herbal Tea to a Wise Sage, he might take the herbal tea.
You offer Coke or Herbal Tea to a kid?
Our kids don't stand a chance at all!
They don't see it demonstrated to them. They never get to learn it.
They never GET a choice, coz their minds were shaped before they even KNEW they have a choice!

Kids who grow up with such a world view have such a slim chance of enjoying a meaningful, monogamous marriage!
Kids who grow up with such a world view have no notion of lifetime committment!
Kids who grow up with such a world view think that everything's game in their pursuit of happiness.

It's just not right!

Can we do something about this already?
If not, such cases will just become more common.

Can we not learn to give up our "rights" to loose living, our "rights" to pursue our own convenience, our "rights" to maximise our pleasures,
for the sake of Righteousness, Love for Others, and Holiness?

********


*cry*
a lone voice calling in the desert crowd.

Why Pursue Happiness?

Happiness

Sitting at the beach alone, after blading, or a jog.
Watching the sea, feeling the breeze.
Nowhere to rush to, no deadlines to meet.
No worries, no anxiety.
Speaking with Him, telling Him everything.
One perfect moment.
*
Taking leave from work, one day every month.
Sitting by the pool, enjoying the sun.
Projects done, no seniors calling.
No meetings for that day.
Just a quiet day, in the sun, with a book.
One perfect moment.
*
Sitting in a cab, finally.
No need to worry, coz will definitely be on time.
Yet, not in school yet.
No one's hounding, no need to hound anyone.
My time. My own time.
One perfect moment.
*
Snuggling closer. Shifting, shifting.
Till that one perfect position, where every nook is filled.
Cheek resting on his shoulders, his left arm under my head, his right hand embracing me.
Fused together. Assured. He is mine, and i am his.
Wholly, completely, as long as we both shall live.
One perfect moment
*

Happiness ain't Joy.

*
Joy is when i see progress, hope, purpose behind it all.
Joy is when a wayward student decides to leave a gang, to stop fighting.
Joy is when a hurting child finds a friend in Jesus.
Joy is when i know i am doing the work set out for me by God.

*
The Pursuit of Happiness

I used to think that with more time for leisure i would be happy.
I used to think that with more resources i would be happy.
I used to think that with more toys i would be happy.
I used to think that with Jesus i would be happy.
I used to think that with a purposeful life i would be happy.

So i pursued.

But it doesn't work.

Meaningless, meaningless, the pursuit is meaningless.

Just as someone high on drugs hits the ground when sober,

Someone high on pleasures, leisure, ministry, toys, jesus, love

would also hit the ground

Haven't i, many times?


Even in the midst of a purposeful life,
Even in the secure knowledge of God's love, there could be absence of happiness.
Following Jesus does not guarantee happiness.
Sometimes there's no happiness in Joy.
Sometimes there is pain instead.

But that's ok.

Because life is not really about the Pursuit of Happ y iness.

******

My conclusion is that Joy is more important than Happiness.

This side of heaven, I don't think we could all be happy ALL the time.

***

Because we will always be able to see that the world is not perfect YET.

Because there would always be something we have, that we wish we didn't.

Because we would always want something else,

once we start having what we once wanted.

(1 day of Youth Day Holiday? If only it were 2 days!)

Godliness with Contentment would probably give us a better shot at it.

So celebrate each snapshot of happiness.

don't demand it.

just celebrate.

*****

Are YOU happy?

Actually, maybe it doesn't even matter.