Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Frustration is when SHOULD > COULD

i should keep a tighter watch over my classes,
i should spend more time with each one,
i should have let them know they can come to me if they need to talk,
i should have guided them more, counselled them more,
then perhaps they would not be in trouble, they would be a little more sensible, a little happier, cope with their teenage years a little better.

i should have spent time explaining to him,
i should have won him over to a holistic view.
then perhaps he wouldn't have been upset, perhaps we'd all be a little happier.

i should have spent more time preparing,
think of more games, create more buzz.
i should be a great story-teller, magic maker.
then perhaps they'd enjoy it better. they wouldn't be tired.

i should prepare the new bible study materials early.
i should look for new reading enrichment syllabus fast.
then the team would have time to prepare.
then we would have time to discuss and plan for club together.
then we would feel the unity, the common goal.
then the kids will learn better, grow closer to God.

i should.

could i?

the time table is real.
the limits of my strength is real.
i strained to do all i could.

Frustration is when what i should do and what i want to do is more than what i feel i could do.

Frustration is today.
thankful i didn't just succumb and bawl my heart out. it was THAT close. haiz. (God, thanks for being with me... and thanks for that bit o' grace that was shown... i really needed it)

But these 'could's and 'couldn'ts must never be my limits. they must never dictate my life.
if i am supposed to do them, if God wants me to do them, He will give me miraculous strength, He will give me miraculous fruits.

So I'm not giving up, and i'm not staying put. Gotta overcome this. *grit teeth*
If Frustration is when Should > could,
then Hope is when i know God changes couldn't into could.
until "could" grows and grows,
and the world sees and knows,
that it's not me, yang shuyan faith,
but christ who lives in me.


PS... thanks!
In spite of everything, there were beautiful things too!
like dinner with dad n mum,
the liang-cha mum made for me,
like realising that n has been behaving well n keeping out of trouble,
like receiving grace when i knew i should've done better,
like being understood and supported,
like having students who may not know enough to behave perfectly, but were sensitive enough to know i was upset and tried to be nice.
like munch, who listens, encourages, yet knows when it's time to let me be alone.


thank you for the world so sweet ho-hum
thank you for the food we eat yum yum
thank you for the birds that sing-a-ling-a-ling
thank you god for everything.

and thank you, other Non-Gods too =) appreciate it.

"Happy new year"

while ironing, i suddenly thought of minzi.
i wonder how he is.

=)
happy new year.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I long...

"And if I'm laden at all, if I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart isn't filled with the gladness
of love for one another"

i long for a world full of love,
that every word is spoken in love and with love,
where there is never any ill-intent, hidden swords,
nor any misunderstandings.
Where every discouragement and every hurt
does not manifest and hurt others,
but is resolved, healed, made right.

until that world comes,
can we break out of that downward spiral?
when hurt throbs in our hearts, can we still love?
when words pierce our hearts, can we still love, still care, still pray for them?
can we look beyond what is said and done, and see their pain and anguish?
find out what has hurt them and is causing them to act the way they do?
can we still act in their interests, instead of fending for ourselves?

can't everything be sorted out through understanding and love?
surely no one sets out to be evil?
when hearts meet, won't everything be out in the open?
... will hearts meet?...

always thought a suicide bomber can be loved out of his hatred.
always thought a robber or a rapist could be persuaded by love.
i've been told i'm naive
but really i believe.

meanwhile we may be drained, trampled upon, maligned.
yet we can't vent as and when we want to coz it may hurt others.
i believe if everyone loves his neighbour as himself, we would break out of that downward spiral of hurt and disappointment and anger.
we have to limit the manifestations of our own hurts for the benefits of others.
it's so hard,
but jesus said follow him

hard act to follow, but the holy spirit empowers.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Surprised by the Grace and Gift of God

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power and love.
Our God is an awesome God!

Lord, i was stunned into silence.
and i am reminded again that if You hadn't given, i would not have.
all i am and all i have is yours.
i don't deserve to ask for anything more,
i never deserved to ask for anything,
yet this i still ask...
please guard my heart, make it always clear to me and everyone around me,
that without you i am nothing.
never let me think otherwise.

thank you. so much.

and i wanna know why you've given me,
and i want to use it all for the very purpose you wanted me to fulfill.

speak, Lord. Your servant may not be listening clearly right now, but i want to.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Frivolous Observations

On my way to TN this morning, there was a group of teachers reporting for teachers prep course.
They were 1. all female, 2. had long flowy tresses 3. had new, pretty clothes and 4. they all got there by bus.

the teachers on attachment with me were also all female. But having been in service long enough, our clothes weren't as nice and as new, and ... dare i say it... oh well... most of us had hair that were kinda damaged and skanky. Some drove, some took bus.

the validators were ex-principals. There was 1 male, the rest were females. All the females had short hair. All drove. Clothes-wise, some nice.

My point?

Nothing... just frivolous observations. =)

and don't think that i'm spending a week making silly observations, we do serious work too.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Are you still holding on?

Struggling may look ugly and feel uncomfortable.
I suppose we've all contemplated letting go, to just get washed along with the tide.
But we're meant to be different remember?
This world is not our home.

When i let go and drifted for awhile, did i cause you to stumble and drift?
When you let go and drifted, did you cause me to stumble and drift?
It must have had consequences.
Now when i look around, checking to see that you are around,
that question is still in my heart.

Who is around? Who's hanging on? Who's trying? Who's acting?
Who's in pain? Who's in anguish? Who's thriving? Whose is a bravado?

You whom i don't see. are you holding on?
where are you, c? where are you, k? where are you, x? where are you, a?
where are you b? and where are you, j? where are you y? where are you, d?
how much of it could i have shielded away had i been strong?

And you who have returned, i pray it'll be for good.
myself too.
i'm holding on.
He's real and worth holding on to.

How many more times will we let go?
How many times will we hurt so bad?

i don't know, but He who has begun the work in us,
He who called us out to live as aliens in this world,
to go against the current.
He.
He's gonna take us to the end, to finish the race.


Thanks Ps Tiak for praying for me today. I wondered if LY or Shirley or HP filled you in on what's going on in my life, or if it's God who told you, but regardless, you ministered to me today, spot on. Thank you!

and thanks, other dearests, for the chats and dinners and prayers.

God has given me words in season, revelations to help me make sense of what's going on in my life recently. i think the mind and heart part is settled. i just need a spring-cleaning to get rid of the lethargy. =)

we're on the way there...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

March hols - almost over?



Spent almost the entire Dec school break in California, so i've been looking forward to just lazing around in sg. Finally march hols are here... told myself i must not must not must not waste it. So far it’s been a pretty good one.

back-track a lil to last saturday. took the kids to the airport, and it's really at play times like these that we see the many facets of them... Bossy ones who grabbed onto the clues and refused to work with the rest of the team, the small ones with their tiny feet who were exhausted by the walk, and after the whole thing, their favourite part was the ice-cream treat at the end. and one who cried coz kids from other teams got to have an ice-cream cone each, whereas her team got nuggets and fries. hehe. kids.

munch hp n i then went for angie's surprise party. first time at her new place. nice. suits them. nice view. loved the table-with-drinks-cooler-sink, and of coz the wine collection.

Sunday- church. still late. agh. =( Dunno what's wrong with me really. I personally can't accept that it's sheer physical exhaustion. can't be. k, if i'm still late this week, i'll fine myself a dollar per minute.
Went shopping in the afternoon, and grandma's bdae dinner in the evening.

Monday- had make-up lessons with 4e4 and 4e3. i usually enjoy lessons with them, but I had booked a 2hours slot with 4e4, and that is too much even for me. they're still a little behind e3 and e5 though.
Another game of badminton in the afternoon with munch. Lost, as usual. 15-3, 15-3, 15-4. But i think i improved. the scores don't show it, but i really think i did. Really! coz this time, munch didn't give as many chances as he did last week, i completed 3 rounds instead of 2, plus i didn't get a new blister. so, yeah. Congratz to me.

IHAD-ed in the evening, n caleb sent me home on his bike. =)

Tuesday- Sec 3 camp till afternoon, bought new running shoes FINALLY. the old Adidas pair REALLY fell apart. like really. into many pieces of rubber. So now i have brand new Asics running shoes! Yay! my fave! loved my last pair of Asics, it just feels better. But i have been settling for Nike, then Adidas coz i was being cheap-skate and bought whatever was on sale at Queensway. got a new bag as well...oh...wait,to be more accurate, i didn't really buy them. munch bought them for me. =) He’s been paying for almost everything. I know in the end it doesn’t make a difference who pays since we pool everything, but it’s just a nice feeling. =) but I’ve got to be careful I dun take everything for granted and become one of those who drag a boyfriend/husband on shopping sprees just to have them pay and hold shopping bags.

Had Kidz exco meeting at LY's at night. Think this tumultuous period has been a refining and pruning time for us and the team. i know what God was saying to me thru the Gideon thingy, i know i shouldn't have abdicated what should've been mine, i know we need to get the whole team united and do this together, in one spirit. so much to be done. but ok la... God is bigger than all these. ke yi de.

my b52


Then went to st james. Powerhouse was closed for some private function. Some underaged parties. So, being an over-aged folk, we went for some adult entertainment. No la… just that when we were at movida, we saw some tai-tais with young men. Y'know, young, well-groomed, nifty dancers....o.O' but they're good to watch. i mean their dancing. =P
Later, Munch asked if I weren’t a Christian and married, would I go get a toy-boy when I’m old and and lonely and rich? Hmmm… I suppose when you remove absolute values, there’s nothing wrong with anything. Then it would simply be a matter of using whatever resources you have to try to meet some felt needs. Hmmm… food for thot, will ponder over this next time. I mean the issues behind it, not whether or not I should get one for myself. I won’t, dearie. Dun worry. Coz I’m Christian and married. ;)


Wednesday - today. Nua-ed till now. gotta go to campsite again soon. staying over tonight. Reminds me of ODAC camps/ Ha.V.O.C days … the night hikes, mud baths, solo walk. Fun yeah, should have one for teachers as well. But the others will kill me if I ever suggested it!!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Grandma's 80!


Celebrated Nai-Nai's 80th birthday on Sunday. Thanks, God, for watching over nai-nai and blessing her.

Had a good time with my cuzzies n aun-cles.

Sometimes i miss those realty park days.

[Ha, our BSGG days, memories of Mui Ser Teck, "yun-dong-hui" at 3am... now L's in spain, E, M and J are in Oz... wonder when our next complete reunion will be]

Other times i hardly think about it, about them...

Funny how Family can be so significant in the heart,

but so insignificant in the schedule.

Yet, funny how we can meet less than 10 times a year,

still the bond is undeniable.

Sometimes i wonder if it's the blood,

sometimes i think it's the Blood.

Some things can only be cleansed and healed by the Blood.

Everybody needs the Blood.

Mum, really... i wish u have it too...

Outside looking in is a tough place to be.

Thorn and bitterness inside is a tough thing to have.

God let your grace and salvation extend to my part of the land please.

How did a birthday post turn so melancholic? hmmmm

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Of Badminton and CCAs and eccentric characters and St Nicks frens


After watching the NZ badminton finals last week, i had this great urge to play badminton. Not that i'm an enthusiast, but our some of our boys were pretty fascinating to watch... they could move faster than light, and seemed to have elastic arms that could swing backwards to the other side... u gotta see it to know what i mean. Anyway, i was inspired... and today, i finally played!

ok... i didn't manage ANY of those "stunts". in fact, i didn't even manage to win. 15-8, 15-3, and no energy left for the third set. Plus, i even tore off a piece of my skin due to the friction.

Yeah. Xiao-jie skin la. cannot wring dry clothes, cannot play guitar, and now, cannot play badminton for an hour. Dunno what's with me these days... i used to think i was quite tough during my hockey/ ODAC/ diving days.


Speaking of CCAs, sometimes during choir i think back abt my choir days and i really wanna laugh. Dunno why Ms Monica toh tolerated JL & me for so long... our JB-toilet trips, our hysterical laughter during practices, and uncontrollable giggling and "vibrating" during performances and competitions. Ha, sometimes when i look at the Chorale, i know deep down that actually they already are more serious about Chorale than i was back then.

But then, how not to laugh?? Ms toh really was a character... how not to laugh when we have to watch her face all the time? Her hyper-expressiveness, strange scoldings, forcing us to vomit to clear our voices and hitting us if we admitted we didn't, waking all of us up on the plane and asking each one "you-mei-you-da-bian?" (got shit anot?) How not to laugh??? But then again, everyone else managed to act as if her actions were normal...

hee.. like one of the songs our boys are singing... "suddenly the voices sing...everyone was a bird...." something like that. i was like "What???? everyone was a bird???" but none of the boys reacted at all!!! ok. perhaps it's just me.

anyway, Ms Toh was a real memorable teacher. After so many years, it isn't the normal-nice-predictable teachers i remember, but cranky ol Ms Toh, and even all her strange habits and phrases.

And of coz, all St Nicks gals of my era will remember our eccentric xiao-zhang Mrs Hwang-Lee Poh See. She's legendary. Unpredictable, long-winded, charismatic, plays strange games with us, super affectionate, makes strange announcements over the PA system "tong xue men, mu ji shen dan le!"... i miss her!! she's one-of-a-kind. Ok, Mr Simen is a close competitor.

oh.. and meeting up with the gals on sunday was great. rebecca's back, n had a great time w JL, elaine, Sarah, HP n jean. hiak hiak... intoxicated Sarah accidentally. oops. muz remember to make a separate drink for her next time.

and talking abt drinks. the rashes happened again. ha... i keep testing and testing, and the results consistently show that i have developed an allergy, yet i keep denying it. Aiyah... dun care. this weekend test again. =P

Monday, March 05, 2007

借酒消愁

Read out of context, verses 6-7 sound like instructions to 借酒消愁 right? ha...

Proverbs 31:4-7

4 "It is not for kings, O Lemuel—
not for kings to drink wine,
not for rulers to crave beer,
5 lest they drink and forget what the law decrees,
and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.
6 Give beer to those who are perishing,
wine to those who are in anguish;
7 let them drink and forget their poverty

and remember their misery no more.

I think my hunger is back.
=)

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Bye CG'06-07. And Thanks!

Tonight is the last night we have CG together as one group...


thanks, old CG.


thanks chua.

i've been very blessed by him and agnes... from the time in liling's cg when hr was my AO, and he walked round my estate with me, when i was going through a "break-up" and he & agnes took care of me and let me stay over, when we were in des' cg and he demonstrated such bold faith (and made me cry), when he coordinated my wedding (and my dad started to adore him) , when he sent hp to meet me when he felt i needed help.
there's no doubt. God made him.

chua n ivana being nerdy

REALLY. take a closer look.

Kae la. Dun say never. Post a nice pic of him.




Friday, March 02, 2007

My Clever Brother

Khian just got his A Level Results back today.... A A A A A1!!!!!!!!!!!
So happy for him, and so proud of him! Haha... see, mum needn't have worried or nagged at all! Always told her he'd be alright!
I know i keep praising him, but surely all of you who know him agree with everything i say about him?

He's funny, full of lame jokes, but not irritating.
Nice, polite, pleasant and socially adept.
Intelligent, well-read, yet fun...
Sporty, tough, fit, basketballer,
And so smart and good-hearted.

And, have you seen his abs?

He's the best di-di in the world! =)
even if he isn't, i'd still luff him...
But he is!!!