no baby, don't come out this way!

Baby2 was moving a lot and my belly was stretched weirdly. 

It was so stretched you could almost see right through the skin, as if it was just a thin deflated balloon separating Baby2 and the world outside. 

I could even see Baby2's arms and legs pushing against the belly - and the arms and legs were so skeletal. It shocked me to see how bony the baby was. To another person, it would have been a scene out of a horror movie. But to me, that was my baby.

I kept telling myself that's coz the flesh  is still forming, that by the time Baby2 comes out, it wouldn't look skeletal anymore.

All the while Baby2's limbs kept pressing against the belly, stretching the skin so thin ...  it eventually gave way.

"Oh no! I want natural birth! Does this mean it's a caesarean?" I thought to myself.

I applied pressure to the tears that were starting to appear, as if trying to stop Baby2 from forcing her way out. "Once she stops moving, i'll get myself to hospital."

Then i saw Munch, and i gesticulated for him to take a look.

"I think we better pack the documents and get to the hospital!" I told him, "How? Do you think she's gonna come out now?"

Munch stared at the skeletal arms punching holes in my tummy. He stared at the blood on my clothes.

"Eeeeeee" he said, and hosed me down with a showerhead from a distance. (Grrrrrrrrrrr!)

But it seems he did the right thing. Soon after, Baby2 stopped her rabid attempts at exiting my belly. And with the blood washed off, i saw that in spite of the bony arms protruding right out of the belly skin, all that remained was just a perforated line.

"I gotta start preparing to go to the hospital," I told myself, and proceeded to pack my staffroom desk, stopping halfway to chat with a colleague who was moody and crying.

On my way out of the school, the students were having morning assembly, and i noticed 2 foreign students who were chatting while the national anthem was being sung.

And i stopped to speak with them.

"It's not my country, it's not my national anthem," one of them retorted.

"Imagine it's at the Olympics, and your national anthem is being sung. And everyone who's not from your country are chatting away, as if it meant nothing. How would you feel?"

i was seething inside.

Then Bee Leng handed me 2 thin folders and told me that i had to make sure those were in order before i go off for maternity leave. She had a new haircut - shoulder length, sleek and straight, and she looked good. 

In the folders were some crumpled math worksheet.

The End.

***

this is the second time i dreamt that Baby2 forced her way out through my abdomen.

The first time, she just poked her arm right out, right through my dress. i was at a liposuction clinic (??!?) and juliana was a nurse there (??!?)

No Baby2, please don't come out this way...

***

Preggies sure have weird dreams.

Maternity Leave Day 3

Spent the day hurling away.

='(

It feels different from the normal preggy puke.

I hope it's not H1N1 - seems like vomiting can also be a symptom of it.

***

Didn't manage to do much packing and baby-prep today, but i had a very nice morning with Glory. 

It was raining heavily, so we opened the window just a little - just enough to wet our faces and feel the cool wind. We told each other "cold!" as we touched the window grille, then ran off to snuggle up and warm ourselves before returning to the window. Again and again. The sweet thing about babies is that they can do the same thing a dozen times, and it'd still be fun for them. 

We watched people going off to work and school, named the colours of the umbrellas, and said "Hello! Have a nice day!" to a select few, not that they heard us. Then we snuggled up on the bed and she fell asleep again.

She's a darling, this one. 

***

We finally found our 40 days of prayer book last night, so i spent the rest of the morning praying... haha... still haven't caught up. =)

Enjoyed.

***

I don't know why my view on buying clothes for Glory suddenly changed. In her first year, all she got was hand-me-downs. But recently i've been buying.

Perhaps it's coz we haven't received a fresh batch of old clothings in a while.

Perhaps it's coz she seems to like trying on new dresses.

Perhaps it's coz i like to dress her up. (She should be a model. Big eyes, small mouth, skinny arms. S.W.E.E.T)

Perhaps it's just coz i found some pretty good deals online =) =) =)

Today i ordered 2 pairs of shoes, an Old Navy dress, 2 pairs of leggings, a GAP dress and a red Little Me jumper. The total cost is less than $100! =)

***

I tested out the names on Glory.

She can't say Desiree.

She can't really say Celeste.

But she calls out "Meimei" beautifully. =) 

***

The insomnia is back.

It's almost 4am and i'm not sleepy at all.

Been like that for the past few days... 

i tried putting sermons on repeat, it makes the wakeful moments more bearable, but it keeps munch up, which is bad, coz he has to work.

so now i leave the room and blog. Which doesn't work, coz it means i'd go on and on, and i dun sleep.

Ah well, at least i dun have to work. =)

***

Me Lil Bro will be back tomorrow later today, in 2-3 hours time. 

I wonder how notti he has been the past month and a half in OZ.

But with a girlfren in tow, he should be well looked after. i hope.

***

Read that there's a 7.9 earthquake in NZ and a tsunami warning issued for parts of OZ.

Makes me wonder if that email that's circulating about the MAJOR earthquake/tsunami on 22 April is not a hoax after all.

***

Received another Babycentre update today - by the end of this week, my Celeste is full-term!

Yippy-yikes!

Anytime soon, anytime soon! I'm gonna be a mother of two!

And then the breastfeeding starts again. Ouch.

Please let it be less painful the second time round.

***

I really hope my waterbag doesn't burst suddenly.

I really hope my waterbag doesn't burst while i'm out.

***

i like throwing things away. 

I think i'm gonna walk around the house looking for things to throw away. 

Preggies are allowed to do that.

It's part of our nesting instinct.

I will also start to dettol everything in the house.

That's also part of our nesting instinct.

Hamsters have that too. They throw out stuff and make a nest with clean fluffy beddings. It's just that shops generally don't sell Hamster Dettol.

Maternity Leave Day 1

Sent munch to school, brought mummy for breakfast, went to school for a while, had lunch with peck, glory played at her pool, had lunch with munch, watch sermons on DVD...

life is good =)

there's lots i need to do before Baby2 pops, and i shall get to them tomorrow, but MAN it feels good to be on leave! =)

Upside of a meltdown

The entire family caught the flu bug last weekend.(What a waste of a long weekend!) Must've been the goat farm visit in the sweltering heat, coz Joash got it too. 

Thankfully, it wasn't a very serious bout of flu & fever, and by Wednesday, Glory had more or less recovered. 

So on Wednesday night, she decided to celebrate. 

By staying up all night. Talking, singing, pointing and clapping. 

She exclaimed at the shadows cast on the walls, and marvelled at the carvings on our bed. She waved and said hey-oh to the fan/ window/ shadows (Note: Hey-oh means hello in Glorish, coz i think she can't make the "L" sound yet). She peered into our faces and gave us silly grins, and grabbed our noses whenever we dared to look like we were sleepy.

Which is fine and fun, when you are a baby and can take naps the next day to make up for the overnight partying. 

But not when you are working mummy, who is herself recovering from flu, making another baby in her womb, dealing with back pains and a strange stitches-like pain in the side, trying to do exam revisions with classes of boys who do not seem to think much of the exams. (Or of anything, for that matter. But that's another story for another day.) And having no lunch because the only break i had coincided with the students' recess - which meant the canteen was too crowded and boisterous for a belly-toting preggy.

Anyway, by the end of Thursday, i was exhausted and miserable. 

"I'm so tired," i told munch when he got into the car.

And i started to cry.

So he drove me to the spa! =)

There's just something about being alone in a darkened room, with soft music and bubbling water. The feel of the warm water, the soothing jets. Having no other duties for the next two hours but to lie back and relax, enjoying the soothing strokes of the masseuse, basking in the dreamy zone of drifty consciousness. Aaaahhhhh.....

Was much better after that. 

"So was that my Mother's Day present from Glory?" i asked, as we made our way back.

It wasn't. 

Ha, more good things to come!

See, sometimes, a good cry has more upsides than we know.

=)

my pregnancy tradition

i was just thinking about it a few days ago, how clumsy i was the last time round, and well, how graceful i have been this time. No crazy dash up the stairs resulting in cereal in my hair, no preggy belly rolling around the ground. 

And then it happened today. 

And yes, as usual, in public, out in the open. On the way to class after recess, when the corridors are populated. in full view of the whole world. Plus i dropped my laptop, which fell with a bang, which attracted more attention. agh agh agh agh agh. Thankfully the laptop still works. 

once again, i've been warned: time to buy flats.

=(

Beware the pregnant woman

The old adage of letting preggies have what they crave seems to hold some truths...

when i was pregnant with Glory, i *yearned* to pull out munch's leg hair. 

"Just one? Please?"

My repeated requests were denied.

Now, Glory sits happily next to Papa, gleefully pulling at his leg hair. She pulls, then looks expectantly at Papa's face for a reaction. =) Exactly what i wanted to do then, but she's much more persistent, and perhaps more charming and persuasive.

Bet Papa wishes he'd allowed me to pluck JUST ONE HAIR back then. 

Muahahahahhah.

I'm thinking of pretending to have a pluck-armpit hair fetish, just to scare munch. =)

Heart Pain

Glory has finally recovered from her recent bout of pox/diarrhoea/fever/flu and is starting to eat better now - when she refuses her food now, i think it's more because she prefers adults' fare than coz she has no appetite. And her face is roundifying again.
*
I've fought hard and won for Glory access rights to PoPo- she's had the privilege of having PoPo stay over since Thursday.
And i've won the rights to see my own parents. (uh-huh... you'd think it was a given, but sometimes life is strange and people stranger. but yeah, it's family and we shall move on)
*
So when i say Heart Pain now, i mean the physical kind.
***

Started this morning in school, whenever i coughed, laughed, bent over, breathed deeply, exerted any strength, and sometimes just out of the blue. A shocking bolt of pain. I used to get it once in a while, but never at such frequency.
Later on in class, things started to white out and i felt pukey and faint, so i had to crouch in the corridor till it passed. It was scary to me, because
1. i have a baby inside and i dun want anything bad to happen to her. Fetus below 27 weeks don't normally survive if the host body dies, i think.
2. fainting in front of students is sooooo weird and embarrassing. i think i'd rather faint unseen in a corner and receive no help than faint in public.

So i called my gynae on his "emergency number". And in his trademark clipped style, he told me
1. Take MC and rest rest rest,
2. Drink sugary drinks like Ribena,
3. No it's not heart attack.
and in less than half a minute, the phone consultation's over.

Hee, he's such a character =)

So different from Dr Joycelyn Wong, who would check my weight and BP at each visit, tell me the progress and what baby was growing that week, explain what to expect next, ask about preggy symptoms and listen emphatically to each sorrowful complaint. She'd let us admire Glory on the ultrasound machine and explain which position she was in, and let us watch her dancing etc etc etc.

In contrast, Dr Adrian seems so perfunctory. He took my weight and bp twice so far - once at week 7, and once at week 12, and he didn't even comment on the weight loss (oy, woman lose weight must praise mah..) Each session was simply, "Any questions?" "That's the baby's heartbeat. Looks ok. Any questions? See you in 2/3/4 weeks time!"
Extremely no frills, but in a way it's good coz his "everything is alright" demeanor tends to rub off on me. He doesn't bug me to try to eat more, or harp about how the fetus is small for date, so I haven't even started distressing about it yet. Yeah, according to the detailed scan, most parts of Baby are near the lower limits of normal. Again. at least glory had bigger than average tummy at her 20 weeks scan. This little darling has smaller-than-average everything. Looks like i'll have to be gulping milk again very soon.

Anyway, when i lay in bed later in the afternoon, i realized i couldn't lie down. When i reclined fully, it hurt each time my heart beats. Which means i'll have to sleep sitting up till this gets better. Hmmm... Is Dr Adrian Woodworth absolutely sure this is nothing to worry about?Anyway, he's a doctor and i'm not, so i'll have to take his word for it.
But... How come i didn't experience this with Glory? And why have i never heard of other preggies having to sleep sitting up due to heart pains? Can nothing be done to make the pain cease? Just MC and Ribena?

Muahahah... just realized how strange it is... my doctor prescribed Ribena. =)

-_-

I've got a swollen eye.

Rubbed (or dig, as mummy calls it) my eyes too much last night and it got red and painful and swollen. Couldn't open it at first, and i was a little worried that my cornea flap was dislodged or something.

but at least it's better now - at least i can see with both eyes, though i still look strange. 

---

i watched Red Cliff and Red Cliff 2 and i liked them, surprisingly. 

Though i have this strange inability to tell the characters apart. their names were all so similar, and they all look the same to me  (except for zhugeliang, tony leung and the jeff chang-lookalike) so i keep asking munch at every scene "who is this?" throughout the length of the two films.(God knows i need a patient husband and gave me munch =) ) I even had to draw up a character chart to facilitate my understanding of the show. 

But well, from what i understood and what munch explained, it was intriguing enough for me to read up on The Romance of The Three Kingdom on wiki. But it was even more confusing and there were like a zillion names. 

Sigh. 

i do hope this is not a sign of my (lack of) intelligence. hopefully it's just ummmm..... the temporary pregnancy brain thing.

---

Again I'm starting to dread the later stages of pregnancy. Anticipating the leg cramps that strike when i least expect, jolting me out of whatever little sleep i can get. Piles. Backaches. Big belly that prevents me from lying face down. And worst of all . . . contractions, bursting water bag, checking dilation, and the pain and soreness after delivery, and the torture of the first poop and pee. Agh.

the baby part i like. =) I hope Destiny Faith is as easy as her sister.

- - - 

Uh-huh, that's her name currently. Destiny Faith Wong. 

Except it's a rather filifala name, people may not take her seriously. 

Imagine seeing it at the door of a clinic. 

Dr Destiny Faith Wong. 

Hmmmm... a bit no credibility hor? But quite ok for plastic surgeons i guess. i mean, even Woffles can be a name...

---

i'm babbling nonsense coz i have loads of other things on my mind.

Unhappy, grumpy other things.

Of standards and systems and decadence and stagnation.

Of institutions, of governance, of delusions and disappointments.

But there's no point in talking about them - i've tried.

There's no point in thinking about them - it makes me boil.

There's no point in mulling over them - there's nothing i can do.

so yeah.

i'm gonna focus my attention on things like learning about Chinese history, learning about communism & statism, worrying about labour (childbirth, not political party) and buying a playmat for Glory. The double sided one that can be folded up and can cushion falls and has pretty prints on both sides.

Ha, yah, i choose to act like an apathetic air-head.

The alternative is a crazed, grumpy, cynical pregnant woman.

Oh, but i'm not giving up u know. 

i may be helpless but He isn't.

be careful ah, i pray pray ah.

Boy? Girl?

i'm gonna find out soon!!!!!

=)

15th week, but...

am in the 15th week.

looks like the puking is not gonna be for one trimester only.

sigh.

=(

吐血

i thought i puked so much that i was puking out blood...

then i remembered i had watermelon-honeydew juice this morning.

hehe.

Hello Fetus!

8 weeks plus!

My Embryo is now called a Fetus.

Hello Fetus!

=)

We compared the ultrasound pic of Fetus-NewBaby to Fetus-Glory.

They look quite alike.

But of course. They're siblings.

Readiness Check

It's any time now!


It's hard for me to grasp the full extent of what that means, coz i dun know exactly what's gonna happen. But as far as we've been informed/ adviced, we're trying to be ready.


I'm crazily trying to prepare the house for baby. Due to unforseen circumstances, i won't be able to have my confinement in Seletar. So we had to move everything back, and get things ready back at home. We're almost there, i think...


Her cot is ready, her clothes are hanging out to dry, a packet of diapers on hand, loads of baby wipes ready... that should cover her eat-sleep-pee-poo routine right?

XXX

i've dreamt twice about Glory-Faith's arrival, (both times painless - O God, please let that be a sign of things to come!) and last night munch dreamt baby's here too - also painless! In his dream, i delivered in the middle of the night while sleeping, and we woke up to find a baby in bed with us. the baby looked a bit ang-moh tho, and my mum scolded me..... hmmmmm. dun worry dearie, i swear i've been good. =)

Conducted a readiness check on munchie today (marking papers is b-o-r-i-n-g!) to see if he would be contactable should i go into labour.

First i tried to sms. He replied immediately. Pass Test 1.

Then later in the day, i tried calling. He didn't pick up, but he did call back about 10 min later. Pass Test 2.

Not bad not bad. Response time quite short.

=)

XXX

In-laws came over with bird nest again last night.

Realized that this could be my last bowl of bird nest... reckon it will stop once baby comes!

So i took a pic for posterity.


Never, never in my life have i taken birdnest in such quantity and frequency.
Ahhhhhhh.... that's another perk of pregnancy i'm gonna miss....

XXX

Oh yes.... One more adjustment that will be coming up real soon...

cgl has been hinting, there were other signs i should have noticed. but i kept trying to pretend it wasn't happening... but pretending doesn't make it go away. it has now returned to stare me in the face, in the form of an edict.

Oh well... *shrug*

It's a MIRACLE =)

2 weeks back, Baby was estimated to be about 2 kg – which is small for date.
“Well, eat and sleep and rest, that’ll help.” Dr J said, “Hopefully she’ll hit close to 2.5kg before she comes out.”

I was very enticed by her offer of a week’s medical rest. But I was even more curious about why she kept harping on “2.5kg”.

So I checked out some online articles… and was disturbed by my “research”.

• Low Birth Weight: Less than 2.5 Kg.
• 5 times more likely for death before 1 year.
• 3 times more likely to be brain-damaged/ have learning disabilities…

gosh…


“Babies born weighing less than 5 pounds, 8 ounces (2,500 grams) are considered low birthweight. Low-birthweight babies are at increased risk of serious health problems as newborns, lasting disabilities and even death.
About 1 in every 13 babies in the United States is born with low birthweight. Advances in newborn medical care have greatly reduced the number of deaths associated with low birthweight. However, a small percentage of survivors develop mental retardation, learning problems, cerebral palsy, and vision and hearing loss.”
Low Birth Weight – arch of Dimes. (http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1153.asp)

“A low birthweight (less than 2,500 grams) raises grave health risks for children. Babies who are undernourished in the womb face a greatly increased risk of dying during their early months and years. Those who survive have impaired immune function and increased risk of disease; they are likely to remain undernourished, with reduced muscle strength, throughout their lives, and to suffer a higher incidence of diabetes and heart disease. Children born underweight also tend to have cognitive disabilities and a lower IQ, affecting their performance in school and their job opportunities as adults. “
Childinfo.org: Low Birthweight
(http://www.childinfo.org/areas/birthweight/)

I was disturbed not because I couldn’t trust God to take care of my baby, but because I felt guilty that I had not taken the doctor’s advice to rest. It seemed so presumptuous and unwise. Like a kid who refuses to brush his teeth after eating toffee, despite being given toothbrush and toothpaste, and expecting to have healthy teeth. Like a sick person who refuses to see the doctor after being provided with the medical fee, and expecting to recover. Like a student who refuses to attend lessons or even take a look at the exam schedule, and expecting to do well for the exams… you get the drift.
It’s like, if anything happens to Baby related to the low birth weight, it’s really my fault. Sound advice was given, yet I stubbornly refused them.

*****

At her fastest, Glory-Faith was putting on 500g a month. And her growth was supposed to slow down as we approached the final weeks.

No wonder Dr J was so concerned that she put on as much as possible, that she stayed in as long as possible, that i rested and ate properly.

By the looks of things, chances were slim. Even if she continued putting on weight instead of slowing down, AND stayed in as long as possible, we could only hope for her to barely touch 2.5kg.

*****

We prayed.

And we wrote in the prayer request cards for the council/cgls to pray.

And we asked our cg to pray.

*****

All my life – well, at least for the past 11 years- I’ve felt/known that God especially loves me.

You know, special blessings, special protection, special favours, special miracles, special messages… And I was proven right again! =)

Yesterday I went for another scan.
Dr J clicked on the computer and the estimated weight was calculated…
“So fast uh?” She exclaimed, “Can’t be... Of course if it’s correct I’ll be very happy… Let me take a second measurement.”

And my baby was estimated to be… exactly 2.5kg =)

******

I know all of us would have a pet theory to explain this.
Some will say prayers work.
Some will say the “white cards” (prayer request cards) very “ling”.
Some will say it’s coz I rested and drank milk.
My mummy says it’s coz my baby had a late growth spurt.

I say it’s coz God’s super-duper powerful.

I say it's coz Glory-Faith isn't MY creation, but God's.
And I say He especially loves me AND Glory-Faith, and maybe Munchie as well (i can’t speak for him… )

I reckon only the party involved will know if he/she is especially loved. =).
And I am!

******

Colossians 1:15-18

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

And he is the head of the body, the church;

he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.

Sunday morning and i'm home

It's Sunday morning and i'm not in church. All because of a stabbing pain in the ~ which requires me to lie on my side... Started on Friday night, but the clinic's not open today, which means there's no relief till my scheduled visit after school on Monday... AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.


It's torturous, but yet.... ummm, quite ... funny....


Never mind.

***************

Anyway,

BOOKS make me happy! =)

Anti-Clockwise from top right:

PRECIOUS MOMENTS DEVOTIONAL

from bee leng. =)

Its verses for meditation are categorized according to situations, with space for you to write your thoughts. There are stickers to decorate the pages, and the words are all printed in pink! And it's Precious Moments!

MY FIRST FIVE YEARS

a record of early childhood with images by anne geddes,

from punitha.

Probably the closest i'd ever get to Scrapbooking... Much as i am impressed by Joyce's artwork, i dun think i'd have enough discipline and patience! Can't wait to fill it up with pictures and notes... it even has a little envelope for a lock of Baby's hair!

HOW TO REALLY PARENT YOUR CHILD by ross campbell.

Bought this (and the other 3 books) from SKS yesterday.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF PARENTNG by ed young

I WANT TO ENJOY MY CHILDREN by henry brandt & kerry l skinner

and

RAISING KIDS FOR TRUE GREATNESS by Dr Tim Kimmel.

Only at Chapter 3 now, but it's been good so far. It's about raising kids to be great (passionate about God, concerned, giving and caring towards others.) not merely successful in the worldly way (good job, comfortable life... power, popularity and possession).

*****************

i think books are a wonderful source of wisdom.

Books...

and Learning Journeys.

Recently, 2 lovely couples invited us over to their homes for dinner, and we were given up close and personal encounters of real Christian homes, with real child(ren).

Learning Journey 1:

Home of Stanley, Shirley and Jireh John Kwek.

Main takeaway: Education in a fun, positive and enjoyable way. (well, stan & shirley are both trained teachers!!)

it's almost like a pedagogical showcase - learning via songs and movement, outings, reading, art, puzzles... jireh obviously loves learning! and munch and i left very much in love with jireh =) we were going "Neigh Neigh Neigh" (Jireh's rendition of a horse) for at least a fortnight!

Learning Journey 2:

Home of Pastor Tiak, Jul, Shang Yew, Zoe Ying, ZeeZee & Ray Kit

Main takeaway: a balanced and effective life- living a productive and sane life after (4) kids.

We heard them discuss their kids' schoolwork, about Jul's night with the kids when they refused to do their school work, we saw how a real home was like with 4 children, how there was order and respect, bustling with activities yet not chaotic.We saw how Tiak could still invite us over for dinner and minister to us, manage his family and still go for carol's birthday celebration late at night. We saw how Jul took it all in her stride - serious, high-level work, 4 kids, being a pastor's wife- and isn't resentful or grumpy about it.

Wow.

And we also saw that their kids were not neglected! Somehow i had this idea that when the parents are too busy with church and ministry, the kids will be resentful towards the church & God/ act up to get the parents' attention/ be socially, emotionally, intellectually disadvantaged because of lack of attention & stimulation. But Learning Journey 2 showed us that all the responsibilities entrusted to us can be done without neglecting the kids!

SY, ZY, ZS & RK are confident, intelligent, sociable,loving and speak well.... and they obviously are secure in their parents' love.

And far from being short-changed, they were witnesses everyday of their parents' lives, lived passionately for God, and poured out for others. Which really is the best thing we can teach our kids.

then of coz, i did also wonder if the kids' intelligence/ speaking abilities are inherited. And that perhaps only super-humans like tiak n jul could cope with ALL THESE. =P But that aside, at least i have seen a real life example that's really inspiring, something i wanna learn from.

***

On a sillier note, i've been obsessing over this game.

http://gamehouse.com/onlinegames/playgame.jsp?navnum=9&AID=&game=letterlk&code=LetterLink

It's really just Boggle, just timed and more challenging.

Can't get past level 8.....

Grrrrrr

Gotta get there before the baby comes....

**********

Preggy News, 9 months on!

Time Flies

Time flies... i'm entering the final month of pregnancy!
Motherhood's gonna start anytime in the next 4 weeks!!

Can't quite decide if i want it to be soon or not... on one hand, i can't wait to meet Glory-Faith Wong (ummm, yes, slight change of name again.). But there's also an inertia... i'm now quite used to carrying Glory-Faith with me wherever i go, knowing her every move, quite used to the humongous tummy, quite used to being a preggie.
There's a finality about transforming from a Preggy to a Mummy that's very unsettling. Life as i know it will drastically change. No turning back. Never, ever the same again.

Plus, there are still things left undone - like my New Year resolution (which i have not started on) to get my spoken Mandarin up to par ( target: Zhifeng-Anthea standard) so that i can teach my baby proper Mandarin. Yikes. Need a crash course quick!

But that's the thing about time - it passes whether you are ready or not, whether you want it to or not.

O, I realize I was depressed!

Was reading a baby mag that peck bought (why did she buy a baby-mag? hah, dun speculate! she bought it for the confinement food recipe in it, she's gonna cook for me sometime=)) and i realized that there's such a thing called Prenatal Depression.
As i read the article, i found that I could identify with so many of the symptoms and feelings the sufferers experienced. [Pregnancy being a time of misery rather than joy. Anger and frustration at sickness, weakness and fatigue. Resentment abt the pregnancy. Feelings of guilt for resenting the pregnancy]
I suppose it showed in my blog entries... i crusaded against procreation, i think i've never been so grouchy and grumpy in my life! And then i felt guilty that i was grouchy and grumpy... so i resolved not to talk about it anymore.
I thought i was faring badly, that i was coping terribly with the pregnancy, that i would never ever want to be pregnant again.
UNTIL....
1. i came across an internet forum for mums-to-be, and there was a thread for mums-to-be who are teachers. There were many who had it so bad that they used up ALL their medical leave AND hospitalisation leave and they weren't even in their third trimester yet! Hey, i didnt have it so bad!
2. Several colleagues actually commented that i seemed to be taking pregnancy quite well (!!!) and could cope with pregnancy and school (!!!). i found that comforting, coz it meant that i wasn't doing as badly as i felt i was, or acting as miserably/grouchy as a felt/blogged.
3. I started having company!!! J's having a baby in September, R's having a baby around Dec, XL and L are both gonna have their babies around Oct too... Weeeeeee! Baby Fest!!! =)
4. The End came in sight. Receiving the weekly updates from Baby Centre always felt great- not for the info, but just to see the "Week 30" progress to "Week 31", then "Week 32" and so on...
5. I finally 看开。　There are things i really can't do when i am pregnant, and i should stop beating myself up.

Anyway, i think i am officially undepressed now. Thank God, He always sees me through my patches.
And yes, i've also stopped warning gal-pals about the perils of pregnancy.
Ha, maybe i HAVE become one of The Others.
Y'know, the Parents-gang, who'll always say things like, "It's worth it".
Maybe next Chinese New Year/ wedding ceremony, i'd wish people "早生贵子” and really mean it.
Maybe i'd even stop glaring at/ pinching Munch whenever he hints at a #2 or #3...
Maybe.
Just MAYBE only.

Hey Baby

Hey Baby,
why were you up all night? and what was that nobbly thing sticking out of my tummy? Was that your arm? Or was that your knee? What were you doing when i felt you flip like a fish? Why do you give sudden punches?
I love feeling you move, even though it keeps me up all night, even though it sometimes hurts. i love how close you are to me all the time. i love knowing when you are awake and when u are asleep. i love prodding at you to elicit a response. i love guessing your position as you squish around inside me.

You used to look like a little cashew nut, now you've taken on human shape. We saw you wave your little arms, move your little legs. We heard your heartbeat, we looked at your face... Baby, those times we looked at your ultrasound images, the puking was forgotten, the sleepless nights don't seem to count.

It's so hard to imagine, sometime next month, we're finally gonna see you!
i wonder if you'd have your daddy's brow bone. Last night as you danced the night away, i looked at daddy sleeping, and tried to imagine how you'd look like if you had his browbone and nose. I hope you'll learn to be patient like him, kind like him, giving like him. And i hope one day you'll marry a man like him. Little One, you know you're so blessed to have a daddy like yours. He loves us so much, he gives of himself to caring for us... Love him too, baby, and try not to break his heart. Be respectful to him always, be sweet, be loving. Honour him and treasure him always, dear one.

so, so soon, you'll be coming out into the world. The world's so different from this womb you're used to my darling. i think about the times i've been heartbroken, the times i've been distressed, and baby, i so hate to ever have you broken hearted. i wish i could always shelter you from those pains. yet i know i can't and i shouldn't. One day, an unkind word may pierce you, a friend may hurt you, a boy may break yor heart. Baby, one day you may hide in your room and sob. You probably would think i don't know, you probably would think you're crying alone. My heart would be broken with yours, but i'll remember to let you grow, i'll remember to let you learn, i'll remember to let you decide.

I'll remember to remind you that along with the sadness, there's beauty too.

There may be so much expectations on you one day. i may be guilty of that. Remind me then, of the times when just your heart beating, just you moving around, was more than enough for me. Remind yourself then, that it wasn't Mummy who made you, but God. That you are His masterpiece, that you're so precious. And because God stitched you together inside of me, that's reason enough for me to love you always, unconditionally.

And the best best thing i can give to you is to train you up in the ways of the Lord, to help you grow close to Jesus, to know that while Daddy and Mummy may err, while Daddy and Mummy can't always be there, while Daddy and Mummy aren't always strong, God is always wise, God is always with you, and God is all-powerful.

So grow up well, my little one. Be wise, love God, love others. You don't need the best schools, you don't need the best grades, you don't need the best clothes, but be the best little child God made you to be.

NOOOooooOOOOoooo....

The insomnia seems to be back again...
It's been three sleepless nights.
Headaches.
Indigestion.

Tired.

I want to sleep.

I miss the wonderful feeling of stretching after a good night's rest.
Feeling the tiredness of the previous day dissipate.
Feeling the contentment of a night of peace and warm fuzzy comfort.

But these mornings, it's aching legs and tired mind.
And some residual irritation of numerous failed attempts to sleep,
of hearing that beeping phone, as if i needed to be awakened.
Beeping chirpily as if it marked the end of rest,
when all it marked is the beginning of more toil that would lead to more tiredness that would lead to...
still no sleep.

I want to sleep.

But i guess i have to live with it for now.
I will survive. After all, i DID survive for a month on 2 hours sleep per night back in NIE.
Living on coffee and mascara, we called it.
No coffee for now, but good thing mascara's not banned for preggies.

I just need to be loony-tired, instead of tensed-up-tired.
You know, how sometimes lack of sleep makes you laugh and act silly? Living in a perpetual high? Life's more fun that way.

So all ya'll, don't count on me. Go take care of yerself.
I'm gonna be mad for awhile. I'm gonna be irresponsible and undependable and forgetful and i'm gonna ignore you if you aren't cute/ charming/ sweet/ beautiful/ giving me money.

Or so i say.

I JUST WANNA SLEEP!

( disclaimer: but if you really need help, u really wanna talk, it's really my duty, dun worry... i'm ok. still can de. )

Oops! I did it again...

Sheesh.

Clumsy me. I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.

I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.

I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.
I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.
I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.
I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.
I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.
I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.
I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.
I will walk slowly and hold on to the hand rail.

Worth it?

i finally realised.
there's no necessity for things to be "worth it".
we weren't worth it either, but Jesus did it anyway.
it's love i guess.

perhaps that's the kind of love parents have?

no more cost counting.
Love just tilts things.


*Love changes, changes everything...*

oh, it's a girl, by the way =) =)
Doc says 80% confirm, unless it's a boy with errrrmmm... late development.

and i'm glad!!
coz munch n i sat at vivocity counting naughty kids, and there were 6 naughty boys to 2 naughty girls.

=)