Oh Adulterous Heart!

A couple of weeks back, as I was putting Glory to bed, she asked me, "Mummy, do you think my heart is for God?"
"What do you mean, darling?" I probed.
"I want my heart to be always for God only. Can you pray that my heart will always be for God only, Mummy?"
I really was awed... where did she get all these longings from? How is it that a three-and-a-half year old would be pondering over a thing like this as she tries to sleep, and want it so much as to ask for prayers?
* * *
There's been a bothersome thorn in my mind the past weeks. I was first aware of it a long time ago, and i thought i had dealt with it. But recently i found it had returned, taking on different forms...
It's hard to put a finger on it. It can seem so diverse - like they weren't related at all, yet were in the same poem. I've been trying to figure it out, i've had sleepless nights hating what i saw in myself, worrying about it, trying to brainwash myself, and when i couldn't really get anywhere with it, tried to write it off as "not really a sin". Praying helped, but my mind was still clouded ... Hmm, maybe that's why it says " be clear-minded and self-controlled so that you can pray". Wasn't clear-minded enough maybe.

So when i'm stuck like that, guess what, i write.
Epiphanies come to me when i write. :P
***
The problem is, I'm easily seduced.
By dazzling intelligence, by masterful eloquence, by intriguing depth.
By broodiness mixed with humor.
By fun and thrills.
By beauty, by the soul behind music and dance.
By a good singing voice.
By that something layered behind beautiful eyes.

It bothers me.
Should it?
Last night, for the second night in a row, I was kept up all night thinking about it, imploring the hs to reveal more to me.
And somehow, Glory's prayer request kept coming to my mind.
Is that the issue you want to deal with Lord? That my heart is divided not devoted?
Is my heart for God only? Have I been more captivated by the Other Things?
I asked and asked.What IS wrong? Why am i feeling so tormented? Is there a problem, or am I just shrouded in a haze of perplexing confusion, thinking it's a problem when there's none? If there IS a problem, what am I supposed to do about it? If there isn't a problem, why is this bugging me so badly that I couldn't sleep?
I turned to sermons and songs, feeling much like Saul seeking relief in the sounds of David's harp. Hoping that somehow, even if i couldn't sort out the torment, sleep would come.
And then i heard the words "Adulterous heart".
***
When it was put in such terms, it's hideous isn't it?
So unvirtuous, so ungrateful, so irresponsible.

But I AM attracted to those! I am drawn to them. I am stirred by them. I've tried not to be, but it's a fight i'm starting to feel is unfightable because it was not meant to be battled with.
I believe I was wired this way. And I was wired this way for a reason.

I think He's calling me to search for something more within the Spirit.
Something of the Beauty that He caused me to love and yearn for, that I've not yet experienced. And if I indulge myself at the physical and soulish level, trying to satisfy my yearnings with people or the aesthetics or sentiments or hobbies, I would not press in to consumate it at the spirit level.

He's drawing me to discover more of Him, something deeper that I've not yet even known of. He wants to be known on another plane, another depth, another intensity.
And whatever that is, I want to know, feel, experience him fully, to the extent that he would let me.

***
I want my heart to always belong to You only.