God's Glory

Dear Glory,
You turn four today!
Being your mummy has been an awesome journey, and I'm constantly reminded that you belong to God. I'm thrilled and awed by how the Holy Spirit is taking you on your very own spiritual journey, how He has guided you to have such a sweet love for Jesus, how you have your own convictions.
Just a couple of nights ago, we brought you to attend the wake of your grand-uncle. You were visibly indignant that people were praying to "other gods", and even more distraught that yeye and nainai were too. You wanted to walk over to where they were, to ask them not to participate in the rituals, to tell them to believe in Jesus. But I told you that it wasn't a good time to do it.
You listened to my explanations, then assured me that you wouldn't say a thing, and said that you only wanted to stand with yeye and nai nai. I gave you permission, partly because i trusted you to keep your word, and partly because i had a nagging sense that you were on a mission, and i didn't want to be guilty of preventing it, or of quenching the Spirit's work in you.
Having obtained the go-ahead from mummy, you quickly went to yeye, tugged at his hand, and insistently shook your head at him, your big, expressive eyes saying all the words your mouth was forbidden to speak. When I pulled you back a while later,I suggested that we'd pray for them when we got home. But you insisted on praying for them there and then. So we did. After that, you looked at them chanting, and wistfully said, "Jesus is saying to yeye and nainai, to trust in Jesus only."

Did you know, when you were born, Daddy had a feeling that you would be the one who brings yeye and nainai to Christ? I thought at that time that it was just daddy's deep desire projected as a sensing, but now, I'm realising that there's something to it!
I am so awed by your spiritual sensitivity and conviction at your tender age. I wonder what God has planned for you... You obviously have a tender and loving heart towards God, you have a desire to please him- you often talk about wanting to share your toys and food with Jesus ( and you understand that we do that by sharing, especially with the poor and weak) I think you have a Lover's heart. You love praying, you have the most touching childlike faith. You have convictions that are so earnest that even your grandparents respect your beliefs. Eeeeps... Being your mummy is such a sacred and exciting calling!
Remember, darling, your prayer that your heart will "fully be for Jesus". Grow to be a handmaiden of the Lord, aware of His preference, his desires. Wait on Him, listen to Him, stay close to Him. May your heart be always tender, trusting, passionate and yielded to our Jesus. There really is no greater honor!
I am thankful for you, you amazing, gorgeous, loving, funny, obedient, wise little kitten!
Love,
Mummy

Glory at Four
Likes Dora, Team umizumi, little bill, show me show me, blue's clues...
Likes to pretend to be a newborn baby, and speak baby-gibberish. Sometimes a variety of newborn animals.
Likes to peetend to be a teacher, and distribute stickers.
Loves studying- doing worksheets, coloring, tracing, writing.
Likes mushrooms, Chinese food.
Looks forward to getting married to a man who loves God, "someone like daddy". Wants me to remember to throw petals on her gown at her wedding.

Yearnings Unsoothed

Sometimes puzzles, conversations, book, theories, games, songs, even an overdose of sermons are just to prevent thoughts you know you shouldn't have, to distract you from feelings you don't want to have.
Sometimes.
Get me through this please, to the place of complete satisfaction.

Oh Adulterous Heart!

A couple of weeks back, as I was putting Glory to bed, she asked me, "Mummy, do you think my heart is for God?"
"What do you mean, darling?" I probed.
"I want my heart to be always for God only. Can you pray that my heart will always be for God only, Mummy?"
I really was awed... where did she get all these longings from? How is it that a three-and-a-half year old would be pondering over a thing like this as she tries to sleep, and want it so much as to ask for prayers?
* * *
There's been a bothersome thorn in my mind the past weeks. I was first aware of it a long time ago, and i thought i had dealt with it. But recently i found it had returned, taking on different forms...
It's hard to put a finger on it. It can seem so diverse - like they weren't related at all, yet were in the same poem. I've been trying to figure it out, i've had sleepless nights hating what i saw in myself, worrying about it, trying to brainwash myself, and when i couldn't really get anywhere with it, tried to write it off as "not really a sin". Praying helped, but my mind was still clouded ... Hmm, maybe that's why it says " be clear-minded and self-controlled so that you can pray". Wasn't clear-minded enough maybe.

So when i'm stuck like that, guess what, i write.
Epiphanies come to me when i write. :P
***
The problem is, I'm easily seduced.
By dazzling intelligence, by masterful eloquence, by intriguing depth.
By broodiness mixed with humor.
By fun and thrills.
By beauty, by the soul behind music and dance.
By a good singing voice.
By that something layered behind beautiful eyes.

It bothers me.
Should it?
Last night, for the second night in a row, I was kept up all night thinking about it, imploring the hs to reveal more to me.
And somehow, Glory's prayer request kept coming to my mind.
Is that the issue you want to deal with Lord? That my heart is divided not devoted?
Is my heart for God only? Have I been more captivated by the Other Things?
I asked and asked.What IS wrong? Why am i feeling so tormented? Is there a problem, or am I just shrouded in a haze of perplexing confusion, thinking it's a problem when there's none? If there IS a problem, what am I supposed to do about it? If there isn't a problem, why is this bugging me so badly that I couldn't sleep?
I turned to sermons and songs, feeling much like Saul seeking relief in the sounds of David's harp. Hoping that somehow, even if i couldn't sort out the torment, sleep would come.
And then i heard the words "Adulterous heart".
***
When it was put in such terms, it's hideous isn't it?
So unvirtuous, so ungrateful, so irresponsible.

But I AM attracted to those! I am drawn to them. I am stirred by them. I've tried not to be, but it's a fight i'm starting to feel is unfightable because it was not meant to be battled with.
I believe I was wired this way. And I was wired this way for a reason.

I think He's calling me to search for something more within the Spirit.
Something of the Beauty that He caused me to love and yearn for, that I've not yet experienced. And if I indulge myself at the physical and soulish level, trying to satisfy my yearnings with people or the aesthetics or sentiments or hobbies, I would not press in to consumate it at the spirit level.

He's drawing me to discover more of Him, something deeper that I've not yet even known of. He wants to be known on another plane, another depth, another intensity.
And whatever that is, I want to know, feel, experience him fully, to the extent that he would let me.

***
I want my heart to always belong to You only.