The Moo's Retirement

I'm in a real dilemma.
The supply has dropped considerably. I'm doing 2.5 ounces at the lunch-time session. If i miss the lunch-time session, it's a mere 4 oz at dinner time. Hardly worth the effort and time spent, it's like trying to squeeze water out of stone. Except it's not water, and it's definitely not a stone. Nevermind.

I've heard from my uncle's domestic helper that back home, her mother nursed her till she was ten. She could be playing catching with her friends one moment, and lifting up her mother's blouse to quench her thirst the next. That's just the way things were in their hometown. No one batted an eyelid.
I suppose it's something between a mother and child.  Personally, i would draw the line at puberty. Imagine a pimply faced teenager... ewww, better not imagine.

Thing is, here, most people stop before their babies turn one, and i am starting to feel like i need to justify breastfeeding my 14 month old. When i asked for breastfeeding-safe drugs from my GP recently, he took a double take and asked "You are STILL breastfeeding? WHY?" giving me the same perplexed look he did when i kept turning up at his clinic with Glory for the nth HFMD screening in a month. You know, the look which is really just a more polite version of an exasperated roll-eye.

Now, i hadn't really thought about WHY i was continuing with the breastfeeding. We were told breast is best, so i just continued on and on simply because there was no pressing need to stop.
Sure, there was a period when Celeste thought it a great game to, well, nip me in the bud, and hearing me squeak in pain. But i employed some dog-training techniques -instead of squealing in pain, i tried growling - and it worked wonders. She's off biting now. So why would i want to stop? It's free milk, it's supposed to help me burn some calories, plus, nursing is such a great bonding activity.
 I don't want to give up forever the wonderful, cuddly, warm moments, with my baby curled up close to me, where she would stay for a couple of minutes at least, giving me time to hug and caress her.
And i am unwilling to give up the very powerful weapon the nursing breast can be. Need her to quieten down? Shove a breast. Want to bargain for extra few minutes of sleep-in? Shove a breast.When she gets to Glory's age, i could probably shove an iPad instead, but for now, nursing is THE wonder.

And i think the great reluctance to stop is also because we don't plan on a third child. Which means that once i allow the supply to dwindle to zero, I would NEVER get to nurse again.  Ever. That part of my life would be irreversibly over. The purpose of a breast would be done and over with for good - you carry them around from puberty to grave, but they were useful only for these measly 19 months.

So i nursed on, though frankly, no one is gonna miss my milk if i do stop altogether. Celeste takes so much solids now, milk probably makes up just 20% of her daily nutrients. Furthermore, she takes formula milk quite happily now. 

Maybe i'm nursing more for my own sake than hers?

Well, i'm sure the day will come when she will on her own initiative wean herself off it. Already, there are occasions she declined to nurse...
For now, i'll just treasure each session as they come and let her decide on when to stop.
 But maybe set an arbitrary compulsory cut-off date of um, say, 11.11.2011.

Death knows no Yellow Ribbon Projects :(

Could it have been averted had we done things differently?
Would it have helped if we were stricter? Or, to the other extreme, kinder?
If i had acted on that gut-feel, would it have made a difference? Why did i let my human reasoning and doubts get in the way? If i had been a little more like i used to be, i would have just heeded the prompting and just do it, instead of rationalising it away and just making it a soon-forgotten New Year Resolution. Would he have responded? Would the story of his life be very different?
What would have helped him?
He's so young.
And i wasn't of any help.
How many more will go this way?
Shouldn't we do something about it?
What can we do about it?
Who's to know what is the best way?
Who's to know which will be the last time you see someone?

And now i keep thinking about those others that i've had similar worries for.
Oh God please keep them safe.

'Cher, what songs do you listen to?

Ok, i admit. i rack my brain for an answer each time students ask me that.
I mean, why do they care what music i listen to anyway? Are they gonna sing me a song of my choice? Buy me an album? Naa-aaah. Truth is, people judge you on your taste in music. It's almost like a personality test - your genre determines if you're cool/ mass-market/ edgy/ sophisticated/ ancient/ weird/ pathetic. So people ask about your favourite genre to size you up and figure out what "type" you are. Y'know, like how we would judge a grown woman (or man) who's always in pink?

Way back, there were songs i enjoyed but was slightly embarrassed to admit.
I SAID i liked Nirvana, Guns N Roses, Michael Jackson, coz in those days, it gave you some street cred. And i did like them, except i was equally happy listening to Spice Girls (even watched the movie), F4 (went for the concert), MLTR (what, stop pretending you don't know what that is. i bet you know the words to 25minutes as well as i do!) and Take That (Howard fan! Coz he had a scruffy look, and everyone else was going for Mark Owen n Robbie Williams).

But today, being all of 31, it's unbecoming to let the expectations of others dictate what you (say you) listen to. So when i'm asked THE QUESTION, i say "i just listen to... well, whatever i'm listening to." Such a non-answer, right? But it IS the truth.
Here's what i listen to these days... the 4 Cs...

1. Children songs... esp Barney!

And for the uninitiated, it's not just the I-love-you-you-love-me song. They've got really fun songs for everything! My current favourite is the Raindrops song!

If all the raindrops are lemon drops and gum drops
Oh what a rain that would be
Standing outside with my mouth open wide
a a a a a a a a a a
If all the raindrops are lemon drops and gum drops
Oh what a rain that would be

If all the snow flakes are candy bars and milk shakes
Oh what a snow that would be
Standing outside with my mouth open wide
a a a a a a a a a a
If all the snow flakes are candy bars and milk shakes
Oh what a snow that would be




youtube video from crystaltears86


Don't scoff! Just imagine how thrilling that would be! It's almost as lovely as my all-time fantasies of Ben-n-Jerry Mountain and Giant Chocolate Bunny! Plus the tune is so exuberant, it's hard not to love. Even Celeste sings along at the a-a-a-a- part!

2. Classical Music
Daddy used to take kor and me to the SSO, but at that time, we liked it for the side-thrills. Like coughing at the intermissions, playing "see who laughs out first" while watching the Conductor's dramatic actions, and of course, the lovely Tau-huay-zui, you-tiao and shao-bing at Geylang after the concert.
Then when I was expecting Glory, i listened to it coz it's supposed to be good for her. We also used it as a car-music when Glory was 0-6 months old - she'd scream and cry if we listened to pop or heavens forbid, techno-ey stuff, but she was nice and easy if we had the car stereo tuned in to 92.4.
These days, my room stereo is tuned in to 92.4 coz i think i should make it up to Celeste, coz she didn't get her in-vitro dose of Classicals.
3.Class 95.
There was a time in my youth when listening to Class 95 made me feel depressed. I'm serious. Maybe it's the emo-teenaged phase, but i swore then that i would never listen to Class 95.
Until i grew up (old) and found the 987 songs noisy and tuneless. (sheesh. exactly what my mummy said about the songs i liked...)
So that's where my car stereo is tuned into these days.
And at home too. Charisma used to blast 987, but i would turn the volume down.  Then she discovered that when she plays Class 95, i don't mind the volume, and i'd even happily sing along. So now she sets the living room radio to Class 95.
4. Christian songs
In the car, we play a Kids Worship DVD, and Glory sings along happily. Yes, she knows the lyrics. She knows the images that go along with each song. And she decides which songs belong to her, henceforth known as her Favourites, and you are NOT to sing along unless given specific permission by Her Royal Highness, Teacher Glory. She is very kind, of course, and selects some songs to be YOUR favourite, and for those songs, you have the liberty of singing along when it plays. *roll eyes*

So my dear students, it's not that i was trying to act all mysterious and evasive when you ask me a simple question like "what music do you listen to". I really don't have a good answer. 
But i guess from now on, i'll just say my favourite songs are Barney songs, and offer to sing The Raindrops Song for you. After all that's the song i find myself singing in the shower.

Pillowtalk with Glory

Bedtime with Glory is such a blast.

Now that she's really REALLY talking, tucking her in has become such an amusing, interesting, heartwarming time.

One of our favourite bedtime activities is to pray. She would remind me every night that we haven't prayed, that we need to pray. Then she would tell me who to pray for.
Sometimes I wonder if she gets prompted by the Holy Spirit, coz she picks really far-off ppl to pray for. Like Aunty Charisma's children in Philippines, Mr See (her school operations manager), and various church friends that I didn't even know she knows. It makes me really glad that she cares about the people around her (and the people not around her), and i think it makes God glad too. =)

Pillowtalk is also great for getting a child's perspective on things, to find out more about her day.
She'd share how she feels about certain events and people (like how she feels about mei mei wanting to play with her, how she feels about being disciplined, what she likes to do on a holiday etc)
She'd tell me what happened in school... Though I suspect there are some inaccuracies coz she once told me that she got bitten. By a lizard from Philippines.
She sometimes also thinks that her storybooks actually happened to her, so these few days, she believes she is "Little Go Peep" (better known as Little Bo Peep, the lass with the sheep).
So yeah, I do take what she says with a pinch of salt.

You also get the sweetest conversations with her at night too. Perhaps it's a time when she gets me all to herself, and she doesn't want it to end, so she keeps me enthralled by all her sweet nothings.
She told me the night before that she tripped n fell because "I want you, so I walk so fast to you and I fall down n knock my leg. Because I want you mama"
In one breath she blames me for the fall, but also tells me just how much she wants me. Awwwwww...
Bedtime is also the best time to get hugs n kisses from her. She generously coats my face with kisses (n saliva) which makes me gigglish n squirmy coz I'm not very much a kissy person (blame it on my mummy. She instilled the fear of saliva in us, n till today, I still wipe kisses away. )
But I just lap up her hugs! Especially when she hugs my head (my head is quite big so it's a good hug) and puts her face reallllllly close. :) :) <333 Sweetness!

Ha, which reminds me, Sunday night, while hugging my head, Glory informed me that "Godpa also hug Godma's face".

Ooooops.

I thought she stumbled upon a semi-private moment in church earlier and i didn't know how to react.A bit curious and wanted to find out the context, but a bit afraid that it was really meant to be a private moment....
Should i ask her to elaborate???

Then she proceeded to describe the rest of the scene...

"Then they smile to the camera n say cheese like that" *attempts to show a peace sign but fails so it was just a series of finger wagging*

Lol. She must have seen a picture of them, or saw them taking a picture. :)

This girl really makes me laugh, and wonder at the things that are going through that amazing little mind. She has got so many funny thoughts, so many unexpected ideas, and so many sweet, affectionate, innocent little quips that lying next to her is really the highlight of my day.


And i resolve to do this as long as she will have me...
I guess the time will come when my little angel wouldn't even attempt to entice me with her "Shall we pray?" and "Iwant you to pat pat me. I want you Mama."
The time would probably come when she would curl up in bed, cradling a phone beneath the covers, and see my presence at bedtime as an intrusion.
The time would probably also come when she wouldn't even be home at MY bedtime. I'd probably be lying awake on my bed, wondering if she's safe and in good company and making wise decisions...

Till then, i intend to treasure every bedtime, to have her know without the shadow of a doubt that Mummy loves her and wants her even more than she wants me. To discuss and share in her perspectives and her faith. And to enjoy and marvel at every little amazing morsel of this marvellous little masterpiece.

i love you, baby.
and i kinda wish you would stay little forever...