Bankrupt

Jesus…
You are listening aren’t you?
Please give me wisdom.
Actually I have decided haven’t i?
Please help me to love them and glorify you these last days.
It’s unbelievable how I have become.
I used to split hairs over every nuance in my thought of you.
Now I callously and carelessly go through each day, giving only passing thoughts of you. Out of habit? Religiousity?
Or perhaps it is because we did and we do have a relationship, and you are faithfully holding on to me.
I long for the times when my heart was close to you, when I was growing more and more like you.
Now I can’t minister because I can’t be your mouthpiece because I can’t hear your thoughts.
Now I can’t teach because I don’t have your patience and your compassion and your sacrificial, unconditional love.
Now I am broke because I am not seeking your kingdom and cannot claim that “all these will be added unto me”, but I have to strive to get them – food, shelter, clothes…
And I need to return, not for any noble motives, but simply that I am reduced to eating pigs’ food and I yearn to be in my Father’s palace.
Please take me back.