Heart Pain

Glory has finally recovered from her recent bout of pox/diarrhoea/fever/flu and is starting to eat better now - when she refuses her food now, i think it's more because she prefers adults' fare than coz she has no appetite. And her face is roundifying again.
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I've fought hard and won for Glory access rights to PoPo- she's had the privilege of having PoPo stay over since Thursday.
And i've won the rights to see my own parents. (uh-huh... you'd think it was a given, but sometimes life is strange and people stranger. but yeah, it's family and we shall move on)
*
So when i say Heart Pain now, i mean the physical kind.
***

Started this morning in school, whenever i coughed, laughed, bent over, breathed deeply, exerted any strength, and sometimes just out of the blue. A shocking bolt of pain. I used to get it once in a while, but never at such frequency.
Later on in class, things started to white out and i felt pukey and faint, so i had to crouch in the corridor till it passed. It was scary to me, because
1. i have a baby inside and i dun want anything bad to happen to her. Fetus below 27 weeks don't normally survive if the host body dies, i think.
2. fainting in front of students is sooooo weird and embarrassing. i think i'd rather faint unseen in a corner and receive no help than faint in public.

So i called my gynae on his "emergency number". And in his trademark clipped style, he told me
1. Take MC and rest rest rest,
2. Drink sugary drinks like Ribena,
3. No it's not heart attack.
and in less than half a minute, the phone consultation's over.

Hee, he's such a character =)

So different from Dr Joycelyn Wong, who would check my weight and BP at each visit, tell me the progress and what baby was growing that week, explain what to expect next, ask about preggy symptoms and listen emphatically to each sorrowful complaint. She'd let us admire Glory on the ultrasound machine and explain which position she was in, and let us watch her dancing etc etc etc.

In contrast, Dr Adrian seems so perfunctory. He took my weight and bp twice so far - once at week 7, and once at week 12, and he didn't even comment on the weight loss (oy, woman lose weight must praise mah..) Each session was simply, "Any questions?" "That's the baby's heartbeat. Looks ok. Any questions? See you in 2/3/4 weeks time!"
Extremely no frills, but in a way it's good coz his "everything is alright" demeanor tends to rub off on me. He doesn't bug me to try to eat more, or harp about how the fetus is small for date, so I haven't even started distressing about it yet. Yeah, according to the detailed scan, most parts of Baby are near the lower limits of normal. Again. at least glory had bigger than average tummy at her 20 weeks scan. This little darling has smaller-than-average everything. Looks like i'll have to be gulping milk again very soon.

Anyway, when i lay in bed later in the afternoon, i realized i couldn't lie down. When i reclined fully, it hurt each time my heart beats. Which means i'll have to sleep sitting up till this gets better. Hmmm... Is Dr Adrian Woodworth absolutely sure this is nothing to worry about?Anyway, he's a doctor and i'm not, so i'll have to take his word for it.
But... How come i didn't experience this with Glory? And why have i never heard of other preggies having to sleep sitting up due to heart pains? Can nothing be done to make the pain cease? Just MC and Ribena?

Muahahah... just realized how strange it is... my doctor prescribed Ribena. =)

Death

Once in a while, i think about death.

I find that i have these death-related thoughts more when i'm pregnant or have just given birth. Maybe it's because life is just so inextricably tied to death.  

My thoughts are not so much on life-after-death (that part is supposed to be gr8!), more about the moment of dying and the preceding moments.

I wonder if it would be scary.

How would that moment be like?

How would my moment be like?

How would i be able to take the pain of losing someone i love?

Why have a new life, when it invariably ends in death?

When i was young, my greatest fear was my mother dying. I remember lying awake, unable to sleep, worrying about it. I remember wishing i would die first, so i would never have to experience the pain of losing her. I remember scratching at imaginary itch till my skin was raw and bleeding so that the physical pain would distract me from the mental torture (haha, and we thought the emo culture was something new). When i couldn't take it anymore i told her my fears, but her simple reply of "everybody dies, no use worrying" did little to alleviate my fears.

And then there's the issue of mode of  death. 

I think passing away peacefully while asleep is the best. From unconsciousness to paradise. Sounds good. 

I think heart attack is scary. So is choking. It's the intensity of that moment, and not being able to ask for help, because every part of the body is involuntarily struggling (futilely) to survive. 

Even scarier than that to me is drowning - the prolonged and intense terror and panic, the helplessness and hopelessness. And in the same league is being trapped under a collapsed building. 

I know after that we get to see Jesus face to face, but will we get the comfort of his tangible presence at those moments? Must those necessarily be moments of fears and terrors? Or will they be sweetened with His presence?

The only thing worse than these is having someone i love being in those situations. 

Soon after Glory's birth, i had an awful sleepless night imagining what would happen if the flat collapses. Imagine having your baby injured and trapped and hungry and thirsty, and knowing there's nothing you can do. Imagine you can hear her, but not see. Her crying would be heartbreaking, but the silence would be even more unnerving! And do you say, "it's all right, baby, you'll be ok."? And i wondered if my faith would stand the test. 

It was futile worrying, it was baseless, i was exhausted, yet i couldn't stem the stream of dreadful thoughts. 

I thought it was God prompting me to pray for victims of such disasters. On hindsight, it's quite probable coz i remember reading about some earthquake/ landslide the next few days. It was a call to intercede, and also a reminder to me that without intimacy, trust and faith, everything is scary.

i wonder if death is in actual fact scary, or it's just that we have over-sensationalised it because we have an intrinsic fear of the unknown. The accounts of death in the bible doesn't seem as sensational and emotional. it's usually just statements of venue and time... "sarah lived to be 127 years old. She died at Kiriath Arba." "Abraham lived 175 years. then Abraham breathed his last... buried at...". So matter of fact. No elaboration. 

Is the fear of death something we are increasingly gripped by as we grow older, due to incomplete understanding and fallacies and imagination? 

But then again, death is obviously used as a punishment,  (Eg in Gen 38, Exodus ) so it can't be anything great either...

Does it hold so much mysterious terror because it is an unknown? 

Before jumping off the bungee platform, i reasoned that many before me have jumped and survived, so i was able to jump without further hesitation. When confronted with the unavoidability of labour, i comforted my self with the fact that billions of women before me have survived child birth. I guess we could say the same about dying - billions have died, and the rest who haven't will too. Just that no one actually lived to tell the rest of us about the process. Which is one of my reasons for wanting to die before loved ones - just to go before them, and kinda make sure it's safe first.

Which i suppose is what Jesus has done. He HAS experienced death, AND returned. But notice that upon his return, he didn't excitedly report on his death experience. Rather his concern was clearly on other matters. Which means in the grand scheme of things, perhaps Death is not really that big a deal. 

The other thing which makes me suspect death is probably not as fearsome as we tend to give it credit for is silly but quite erm... "rational".

You see, God knows that when He created us we would definitely have to experience physical death (except for Enoch, Elijah and the people who are living at the second coming). 

So let's say we assign some measure of satisfaction to life, say we call it utils. The meaningfulness and joy of living on earth and after death would have positive utils. The sorrows, sufferings on earth (and after, depending) and the horror of experiencing death would have negative utils.  

Then, it would only make sense to create life if the total utils of life on earth + life after death is still positive after deducting the negative utils of death and dying and suffering while on earth, right? Otherwise, isn't it just sadistic to create life?

Ok, i admit this is foolishness.

Obviously His ways are higher, and this issue is something i can never fully understand, at least when i'm still here.

But it helps my mind to deal with the concept of death- so certain, so definite, so commonplace, yet so unimaginable, unknowable.

So the conclusion of the matter is, 

Jesus has been there done that, God is loving, God is in control.

Action point is, people need God. Pray and tell. 

And, in light of this, it's not THAT big a deal whether the next generation is well-disciplined or hardy or strawberry-like. 

People need God.

That's the real need. 

Baby baby....

Baby Baby - Amy Grant

Baby Baby, I’m taken with the notion

To love you with the sweetest of devotion.

Baby, baby

My tender love will flow from

The bluest sky to the deepest ocean.

Stop for a minute

Baby i'm so glad you're mine.

Baby baby

the stars are shining for you

And just like me i'm sure that they adore you

Baby Baby

Go walking through the forest

The birds above are singing you a chorus

Stop for a minute
Baby, they’re so glad you’re mine, oh yeah
And ever since the day you put my heart in motion
Baby I realize that there’s just no getting over you.
Baby, baby
In any kind of weather
I’m here for you always and forever. Baby, baby No muscle man could sever
My love for you is true and it will never
Stop for a minute

Baby, I’m so glad you’re mine

And ever since the day you put my heart in motion
Baby I realize that there’s just no getting over you.

And ever since the day you put my heart in motion
Baby I realize that there’s just no getting over you

I'm so in love!

=)

i love the way she smiles - it's not my smile, not munch's. It's different, it's her own special smile.

the pursed lips, the mischievous twinkle. 

i love the way she tilts her head to one side, especially when you are deep in thoughts and she's trying to get your attention.

i love the way she holds her arms up, points up, claps and waves with such glee. And i love how it is so random - sometimes she does these on command, sometimes not.

i love the way she suddenly converses with such earnestness and gravity.

i love the way she gently purrs, for us to tap her mouth to produce the bur-bur-bur sound.

i love the way she fondles my face when she's sleepy and keeps her hands on my face/clothes to make sure we don't leave her alone too soon.

i love the way she mixes up "pointing" and "waving" and ends up with a cute little dance move.

i love the way she cuddles up and buries her face against me when i carry her.

i love the way she waves and kicks calls out excitedly when i return home.

i love the way she calls for mama when she wakes in the middle of the night.

i love the way she quietly watches and listens when adults are in conversation, as if she was a part of it.

i wish i could capture it all on video, so i'd never never forget, but i'm always too busy enjoying each moment to fish out the digicam...

ooooooh

i love my baby.

she's the sweetest, cutest, yummiest, loveliest baby ever, and i wanna run home now to her!

-_-

I've got a swollen eye.

Rubbed (or dig, as mummy calls it) my eyes too much last night and it got red and painful and swollen. Couldn't open it at first, and i was a little worried that my cornea flap was dislodged or something.

but at least it's better now - at least i can see with both eyes, though i still look strange. 

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i watched Red Cliff and Red Cliff 2 and i liked them, surprisingly. 

Though i have this strange inability to tell the characters apart. their names were all so similar, and they all look the same to me  (except for zhugeliang, tony leung and the jeff chang-lookalike) so i keep asking munch at every scene "who is this?" throughout the length of the two films.(God knows i need a patient husband and gave me munch =) ) I even had to draw up a character chart to facilitate my understanding of the show. 

But well, from what i understood and what munch explained, it was intriguing enough for me to read up on The Romance of The Three Kingdom on wiki. But it was even more confusing and there were like a zillion names. 

Sigh. 

i do hope this is not a sign of my (lack of) intelligence. hopefully it's just ummmm..... the temporary pregnancy brain thing.

---

Again I'm starting to dread the later stages of pregnancy. Anticipating the leg cramps that strike when i least expect, jolting me out of whatever little sleep i can get. Piles. Backaches. Big belly that prevents me from lying face down. And worst of all . . . contractions, bursting water bag, checking dilation, and the pain and soreness after delivery, and the torture of the first poop and pee. Agh.

the baby part i like. =) I hope Destiny Faith is as easy as her sister.

- - - 

Uh-huh, that's her name currently. Destiny Faith Wong. 

Except it's a rather filifala name, people may not take her seriously. 

Imagine seeing it at the door of a clinic. 

Dr Destiny Faith Wong. 

Hmmmm... a bit no credibility hor? But quite ok for plastic surgeons i guess. i mean, even Woffles can be a name...

---

i'm babbling nonsense coz i have loads of other things on my mind.

Unhappy, grumpy other things.

Of standards and systems and decadence and stagnation.

Of institutions, of governance, of delusions and disappointments.

But there's no point in talking about them - i've tried.

There's no point in thinking about them - it makes me boil.

There's no point in mulling over them - there's nothing i can do.

so yeah.

i'm gonna focus my attention on things like learning about Chinese history, learning about communism & statism, worrying about labour (childbirth, not political party) and buying a playmat for Glory. The double sided one that can be folded up and can cushion falls and has pretty prints on both sides.

Ha, yah, i choose to act like an apathetic air-head.

The alternative is a crazed, grumpy, cynical pregnant woman.

Oh, but i'm not giving up u know. 

i may be helpless but He isn't.

be careful ah, i pray pray ah.