Scary Friday

~Prologue~

"Don't overdo it," she warned me last week, "Take things slow, take a rest when you need to. When you keep feeling the braxton-hicks contraction, you know you've overdone it. If you don't rest, you're risking pre-term labour."

Theoretically, it's easy. But how do you do that in real life? By the time you realize you are exhausted, isn't it already too late?
How can a teacher not stand for long stretches of time? How do you move slowly when the world is moving fast, and the classroom/ printing room/ staff room/ theatrette are on different floors, and you need to be there pronto? How do you not "exert too much" when you've got a class of active/sleepy/eager/distracted/ chatty/sullen teenagers needing different things at the same time?
If, in the middle of the day, you realize you ARE too exhausted, what CAN you do? The lessons still have to go on, the CCAs still have to go on, and i could never NEVER bring myself to ask someone to cover my duties "because i am tired".

Anyway, women used to work in the padi field while pregnant, with another baby strapped to their backs. If they can do that, i can do this, right?

Anyway, somwhow, i always know i'll be ok in the end. And so will Baby.

***

~The Dreary Night~

I haven't had dramatic moodswings during the pregnancy, so Friday night really shocked me. It was a tiring week, a tiring and long Thursday & Friday.

And i think my brain was a little fried.

By the time i drove home, i've shocked myself twice - first by knocking down an imaginary man (there was actually no one there. For a split-second, i just thought there was, and panicked), and then by stepping on the accelerator when i meant to step on the brake ( my foot felt like lead and just refused to move to the brake.... i can't give a satisfactory explanation... it just happened).

Thank God nothing really happened.

So I crawled home.

CG was well underway.
I've missed the worship segment.
And I couldn't quite absorb anything from what's left of the CG discussion.
Ah well...

After some time, everyone left for home/supper.
And i was all alone.

******
~The Darkest Hour~

I started on my long awaited, scalding-hot shower.
The mark of the start of the weekends.

My head was aching.
My legs were aching. In a rheumatism kinda way in my knees, in a post-marathon kinda way in my calfs and in a wedding kinda way in my feet.

We're almost there, i tell myself. After this, i can crawl into bed, read a bit, and sleep.

Bed.
Rest.
Sleep...

Yet, even after the hot shower, i still felt very wound up.
The headache wouldn't go, and every part of me felt tensed.
I simply couldn't relax and rest.

The braxton-hicks contractions started again and i kept thinking about Dr Wong's words, "shouldn't be more than 4-5 times a day". Haiz... today, it's definitely been more than 4-5 times.

The contractions seemed to be taunting me, "Bad mother bad mother bad mother". Self-pity murmured, "Pain, tired,pain, tired, and you've still got 10 more weeks to go!" Resentment whined, most viciously of all, "See, when all is said and done, you have to go through with this alone. All alone!"

And everything felt so dark and dreary and lonely and achy.

My thoughts oscillated between self-pity, guilt and resentment, and wanting to break out of this, shoot a "help-me" prayer to God, and be sensible and strong.

Self pity, Guilt and Resentment won, and i bawled my eyes out.

It's been a year and 3 months since i last cried.

That awful Friday night, it just rained and rained.

*****
~Help Comes~

When munch came home at almost 2am, i wasn't quite done yet. And in a mixture of shock and love, he gave me a nice hour-long massage, silently prayed for me, and put me to bed.

******

I iced my eyes the next day, and attended the wedding. No one mentioned the puffiness. Phew.
While waiting for the ceremony to start, Sally asked, "Are you enjoying the pregnancy?"
An incredulous silence...
"Enjoy? Is it supposed to be enjoyable... you mean, you enjoyed yours?" i stuttered.
She talked about the importance of setting aside time to do things for myself, things i enjoy. She talked about how if we just rushed about with the usual things, we wouldn't be able to take it, we'd break down... almost as if she knew what happened to me last night....Uncanny...

*****
~The Conclusion of the Matter~

"Set aside time?" YP asked when i shared with her what Sally said, "Will have time to set aside meh?"

Good point.

Yet like everything in life, it's impossible for us to find a theory or method that solves everything.

I am not a perfect mother-to-be, a perfect teacher, a perfect wife, a perfect friend, a perfect church member. And no theories, methods, guidelines can ever make me perfect.

People have pointed out role-model couples, role-model teachers, role-model church-members, role-model mothers. (Separately. No one has shown me someone who is a model wife-teacher-church member-mother yet. For that example, we can only look at jesus. Even then he wasn't a mother. But i digress.)
It's a balance that has to be made, and that balance has to be made in subordination to God's will and direction, not in deference to the expectations of myself nor others.

People have given me all sorts of advice, all with good intentions - serve more, serve less, it's a season to slow down, it's never time to slow down, we should go full-steam ahead and live with urgency, take no-pay leave, keep working.... At times, their advice may inspire and encourage. Sometimes they open up a new perspective. Sometimes not.

But at the end of it all, it's God's wisdom that i need.


When must i rest? When should i push myself? When do i start serving again? When should i spend time with my family? When should i insist on having time for myself? When should i give of myself and sacrifice my personal time?


He made me with limitations, and He's given me all these to do.
Then do them i shall, and do them i can, to the best of my abilities, however imperfectly.

In the end, I would have to account to Him alone whether or not i've stewarded my life well.

*****

~ Epilogue~

"Now all has been heard;

here is the conclusion of the matter:

Fear God and keep his commandments,

for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,

including every hidden thing,

whether it is good or evil."

Ecc 12

That's my part: To discern his command, to obey, to persevere.

And when i am not sensitive enough to discern the voice of Wisdom, i can always rely on Him speaking through other means, like "letting" me catch the flu so i'm forced to rest.

Like now.

So, rest, i shall.