Parent Education Perhaps?

"I asked him to do his homework, he didn't want to. What do you expect me to do?"

"I have to talk nicely to him, he'd get angry otherwise."

Have you heard that awful joke about hierarchies in schools?

The teachers are afraid of the HODs, the HODs are afraid of the principals, the principals are afraid of the school supervisors... and they all are afraid of the parents.

And parents are afraid of the children.



It's not generally true, of coz, but ever so often we come across THOSE parents. Those who purport to be buddies with their kids, but actually treat them as their bosses. Those who never dare to discipline their kids, lest the kids get upset. Those who never have time to relate with their kids, much less to say impart values, practical skills, social skills...

My mummy reckons i shouldn't be too harsh on these parents. "When it's your turn you'll know how hard it is."
Well, ofcoz i dare not claim that i'd be able to parent perfectly. But my beef is with this increasingly rampant hands-off parenting approach. It's so easily rationalized away as inevitable, it's becoming more and more prevalent, yet it obviously doesn't work and its ill-effects harm the entire generation and beyond...we really need to do something about it.

Notice how almost everything about parenting can be outsourced these days? Parents want/need to work (and for national productivity's sake, they are encouraged to as well), so kids are left at childcare centres. People feel that pre-schoolers' education is extremely important. Values need to be inculcated! Proper languages need to be taught! Social skills too! And the solution? Pay the pre-school teachers more, so that we get better quality pre-school education, so that our kids have a chance to grow up with sound values/ language abilities/ eq/iq. And the parents have to work doubly hard, spend longer time away from the family, so as to pay that $1,300 a month child-care fees.
It's the same with financial literacy. My parents were the ones who taught me the importance of saving, of not spending more than what i have. In yesterday's papers, there was a report that says that parents see the importance of financial awareness - and that schools should teach students how to manage their finances.
And we see the same thing when it comes to values education, student's self confidence, social needs, emotional needs ... increasingly, the buck is ending with the government/ MCYS/MOE/counsellors/media, and not with the parents.
Which is weird isn't it?
While there ARE certain issues that need specialised skills (eg parent need to send kid to doctor coz parent don't have adequate know-how), surely a parent cannot and should not claim to be unable to do everything! For example, things like values, politeness, conscientiousness, integrity - surely the home is the right place to start?

"But my child spends more time in school than at home. I see her less than an hour a day!"
And why are we accepting this arrangement as acceptable/inevitable? Is it really alright to have a nation full of families who don't see each other, who don't have a real relationship with one another? To have teachers, schools, campaigns, government, counsellors carry the responsibility of "nurturing the whole child" while the parent claims "lack of time, hence no responsibility?"

We see young people cutting themselves, unable to cope with their emotions.Gangsterism, bullying, coarse behaviour, unable to relate civilly. Cutting classes, going missing, addicted to all kinds of things, ill-disciplined, beyond parental control.
So now we need school counsellors, Discipline Committees, Probation Officers etc etc for our youths.

Why not train up parents right from the start instead? Teach parents to relate/listen/set boundaries / manage anger/ set aside time?

Perhaps then all the growing pains would hae been more bearable? Perhaps they would grow up wiser? Have a healthy trust for and a good relationship with their own parents?
And then perhaps, just perhaps, the child would not have chosen to play truant/ cut herself/ join a gang?

Just like how MCYS promotes pre-marriage counselling, perhaps we should actively encourage parenting classes. Thing is, you know that those who really really need to attend would be those who would not. (or "cannot")

Make it compulsory perhaps? Or use incentives? No Baby Bonus till course completed? Frame it as a sort of "national service", and just like NSmen go for reservist, parents go on course during work-time, and the government compensates the employers?

Nurturing a child takes effort, personal attention, time, resources, skills, love... it's about time we all stopped fooling ourselves - there is no shortcut. It's not an economic waste to have parents work less, spend more time with their kids - forcing them if we have to. It's an economic waste - and a grievious sin - to neglect our kids and end up with a whole generation of people who are dysfunctional/ dishonest/not resilient/ lazy & ill-disciplined. And then spend all our resources on trying to undo the pain and damages that we have allowed to fester.

little changes

The "name tag" at my desk has just been changed to "Mrs Faith Wong Sok Yee". =)

The cute baby pic from Anne is a reminder of the next Big Change. We're at week 32 already! Woooooots!
Sometimes i wish she'd hurry out so i can see her and cuddle.
Sometimes i wish she'd stay inside, so my life wouldn't change too much.
If only i can unzip and take her out to play when i feel like it, and zip her back in when i'm busy/ tired/ going on a holiday...
Oh by the way, we still can't decide on her name.

As for the Social Studies textbook... erm... i chanced upon it one day and, strangely, found it a very interesting read. Weird huh. Blame it on the pregnancy.
There are topics like national survival, globalisation n its impacts, case study on Venice etc. Dun remember learning about these when i was in school. Good changes. Makes for a more "aware" student population. Hmmm.. come to think of it, i dun even remember what we learnt in Social Studies back in my school days. "Singapore is successful because we have a deep harbour and is strategically located and have a good government and hardworking population" just about sums it up, i think. Very self-praise type. the textbook now highlights threats as well... changing situation i guess. My generation needed to be "psycho-ed" to have confidence, this generation needs to be "psycho-ed" to not be complacent.

other little things... my flatties have one by one disintegrated (hooray!) The last can-wear-for-work pair fell apart in school yesterday. I had to rubber-band the remains of it to my foot and shuffle back to the staffroom and borrow a colleague's heels. (and it felt great to be in heels!!)
So from my Chiangmai shoe spree, i have only slippers left. Munch immediately took me to get a pair of replacement flatties though =/

Neh mind... just 2 more months!

The Answer

He endured the taunts, the jeers, the whippings. He was maligned. He was despised by those he loved and came to save. At his last ounce of strength, last breath, when everything was in anguish - his body, mind and spirit, he still loved, he still carried on.
***

I could never imagine my daughter going through pain of that extent. But he knew what they would do to his son. Yet he gave.
***

i am amazed at the Giving.
it's one thing to decide to give, or agree with the idea of giving, but quite another to keep giving when in pain, when maligned, when unappreciated, when deserted.

Who deserves a gift like that? No one. But it's been given.

Lord help me live a life worthy of a child of God, a grateful receipient of a lavish gift.

Dreaming of a Bathtub

Some people have food craving.
I have a bathtub craving.

I've been craving for a good soak.
Scalding water, sweetly scented and foamy.
Quiet all round, perhaps just with the sound of waves, or soft jazz in the background.
Sparkling champagne juice, frozen grapes, chilled Korean strawberries...

While we're at it, let's throw in a good Swedish massage after that. And a facial (without the extraction part). And a head and face massage.

End that off with a hot cup of ginger tea.

Ahhhhh....

I knew i really wanted it, but only realized how badly when i actually dreamt of a bathtub last night.
The bathtub from our Old Place.
Big, white and simple.
Utilitarian, with none of those jets and special features of a private jacuzzi.
But a Bathtub nevertheless.

Oh, Bathtub....

Scary Friday

~Prologue~

"Don't overdo it," she warned me last week, "Take things slow, take a rest when you need to. When you keep feeling the braxton-hicks contraction, you know you've overdone it. If you don't rest, you're risking pre-term labour."

Theoretically, it's easy. But how do you do that in real life? By the time you realize you are exhausted, isn't it already too late?
How can a teacher not stand for long stretches of time? How do you move slowly when the world is moving fast, and the classroom/ printing room/ staff room/ theatrette are on different floors, and you need to be there pronto? How do you not "exert too much" when you've got a class of active/sleepy/eager/distracted/ chatty/sullen teenagers needing different things at the same time?
If, in the middle of the day, you realize you ARE too exhausted, what CAN you do? The lessons still have to go on, the CCAs still have to go on, and i could never NEVER bring myself to ask someone to cover my duties "because i am tired".

Anyway, women used to work in the padi field while pregnant, with another baby strapped to their backs. If they can do that, i can do this, right?

Anyway, somwhow, i always know i'll be ok in the end. And so will Baby.

***

~The Dreary Night~

I haven't had dramatic moodswings during the pregnancy, so Friday night really shocked me. It was a tiring week, a tiring and long Thursday & Friday.

And i think my brain was a little fried.

By the time i drove home, i've shocked myself twice - first by knocking down an imaginary man (there was actually no one there. For a split-second, i just thought there was, and panicked), and then by stepping on the accelerator when i meant to step on the brake ( my foot felt like lead and just refused to move to the brake.... i can't give a satisfactory explanation... it just happened).

Thank God nothing really happened.

So I crawled home.

CG was well underway.
I've missed the worship segment.
And I couldn't quite absorb anything from what's left of the CG discussion.
Ah well...

After some time, everyone left for home/supper.
And i was all alone.

******
~The Darkest Hour~

I started on my long awaited, scalding-hot shower.
The mark of the start of the weekends.

My head was aching.
My legs were aching. In a rheumatism kinda way in my knees, in a post-marathon kinda way in my calfs and in a wedding kinda way in my feet.

We're almost there, i tell myself. After this, i can crawl into bed, read a bit, and sleep.

Bed.
Rest.
Sleep...

Yet, even after the hot shower, i still felt very wound up.
The headache wouldn't go, and every part of me felt tensed.
I simply couldn't relax and rest.

The braxton-hicks contractions started again and i kept thinking about Dr Wong's words, "shouldn't be more than 4-5 times a day". Haiz... today, it's definitely been more than 4-5 times.

The contractions seemed to be taunting me, "Bad mother bad mother bad mother". Self-pity murmured, "Pain, tired,pain, tired, and you've still got 10 more weeks to go!" Resentment whined, most viciously of all, "See, when all is said and done, you have to go through with this alone. All alone!"

And everything felt so dark and dreary and lonely and achy.

My thoughts oscillated between self-pity, guilt and resentment, and wanting to break out of this, shoot a "help-me" prayer to God, and be sensible and strong.

Self pity, Guilt and Resentment won, and i bawled my eyes out.

It's been a year and 3 months since i last cried.

That awful Friday night, it just rained and rained.

*****
~Help Comes~

When munch came home at almost 2am, i wasn't quite done yet. And in a mixture of shock and love, he gave me a nice hour-long massage, silently prayed for me, and put me to bed.

******

I iced my eyes the next day, and attended the wedding. No one mentioned the puffiness. Phew.
While waiting for the ceremony to start, Sally asked, "Are you enjoying the pregnancy?"
An incredulous silence...
"Enjoy? Is it supposed to be enjoyable... you mean, you enjoyed yours?" i stuttered.
She talked about the importance of setting aside time to do things for myself, things i enjoy. She talked about how if we just rushed about with the usual things, we wouldn't be able to take it, we'd break down... almost as if she knew what happened to me last night....Uncanny...

*****
~The Conclusion of the Matter~

"Set aside time?" YP asked when i shared with her what Sally said, "Will have time to set aside meh?"

Good point.

Yet like everything in life, it's impossible for us to find a theory or method that solves everything.

I am not a perfect mother-to-be, a perfect teacher, a perfect wife, a perfect friend, a perfect church member. And no theories, methods, guidelines can ever make me perfect.

People have pointed out role-model couples, role-model teachers, role-model church-members, role-model mothers. (Separately. No one has shown me someone who is a model wife-teacher-church member-mother yet. For that example, we can only look at jesus. Even then he wasn't a mother. But i digress.)
It's a balance that has to be made, and that balance has to be made in subordination to God's will and direction, not in deference to the expectations of myself nor others.

People have given me all sorts of advice, all with good intentions - serve more, serve less, it's a season to slow down, it's never time to slow down, we should go full-steam ahead and live with urgency, take no-pay leave, keep working.... At times, their advice may inspire and encourage. Sometimes they open up a new perspective. Sometimes not.

But at the end of it all, it's God's wisdom that i need.


When must i rest? When should i push myself? When do i start serving again? When should i spend time with my family? When should i insist on having time for myself? When should i give of myself and sacrifice my personal time?


He made me with limitations, and He's given me all these to do.
Then do them i shall, and do them i can, to the best of my abilities, however imperfectly.

In the end, I would have to account to Him alone whether or not i've stewarded my life well.

*****

~ Epilogue~

"Now all has been heard;

here is the conclusion of the matter:

Fear God and keep his commandments,

for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,

including every hidden thing,

whether it is good or evil."

Ecc 12

That's my part: To discern his command, to obey, to persevere.

And when i am not sensitive enough to discern the voice of Wisdom, i can always rely on Him speaking through other means, like "letting" me catch the flu so i'm forced to rest.

Like now.

So, rest, i shall.