Problems of "Potential"

The problem with Potential is the same problem with Good Intentions.
They haven't happened, and one cannot be sure they will.

You're said to have it, then something happens which legitimately delays you fulfilling it.
Then you move on, and are again said to have it, then something else happens which again legitimately delays the Fulfillment. And it happens again. And again.

It's enough to make you wonder if Potential is really what it means.
It's enough to make you wonder if you will ever do anything worthwhile in this lifetime.
***
i missed last sunday's sermon.
i fully INTENDED to be there, and on time too.
But i wasn't there.
*smacks myself on the head*

heard it was a good one.
the kind i'd feel for, the kind that spurs me, the kind that might just light my fire and send me on a social reform frenzy again.

but i missed it.
and it's not on the website.

dang.

learning to let go

I think he’s attached. The signs are all there. And I find myself being silently protective of him.
It’s strange how my "motherly instincts" rears its head… when he goes for marathons, triathlons, wakeboarding, boozing, clubbing. It’s strange coz I’ve done them too (oh, ok, except the marathons and triathlons). It’s strange coz he’s not even my son.
Which made me wonder how I’d feel when Glory starts “leaving the nest”. If I’m so protective over a smart, well-adjusted, strong young man who’s not even my son, wouldn’t I be a neurotic freak when it came to my own daughter? Would I devise ways and means to keep tabs on her friends and actions and whereabouts? Munch already decided to. He said she’d have to go straight home after school, and no boyfriends allowed. Till she’s like… 30 or something.
Daddies.*rolls eyes*
They say parenting is really a process of preparing a child for independence.
I suppose that’s true. One of the biggest things parents have to learn is to let go when the time is right.
I asked my mummy how she felt when I took boys home. Was she protective? Was she suspicious of them? Did they have to slowly earn her acceptance? Did she worry?
She said she was the other extreme. She started off by liking whomever her children liked.
That sounds pretty cool, and when I thought about it, it’s quite true. She’d worry loads when I went diving/trekking/bungee-jumping/wakeboarding/theme parks(yeah... she has this idea that the screws would come loose and the roller coaster cart would fly off the tracks...), but she has always “approved” of my boyfriends. Though she did interrogate me about their families, though she did fret about the “ancestry” of one of them (and I think she and daddy were secretly pleased when we stopped dating), she has always been nice to them.
She always seemed to believe I’d be wise and make good decisions. Maybe coz I’ve always been a responsible kid. Ahem ahem. Or maybe coz I knew which stories to tell her and which to leave out ;)
But I guess this confidence in one’s offspring comes with trusting that you have brought up your child as well as you know how. And the recognition that you are never meant to “control” the kid. Nor are you able to.
Well, Mummy gave me so much freedom, and yet I turned out to be more of a prude than she ever was. (she has Jesus to thank for that).
Know what? I hope Glory grows to be a prude too.

Spring-cleaning in autumn

i thought that once the ordeals of pregnancy were over, i would go charging again. Was looking forward to it in a way... the challenges, the dreams, the ideals... The productivity and sense of accomplishment each day brings.
But perhaps all that has to be unlearnt- and embark on a new and different season. To re-learn to blessedness of stillness and intimacy. To learn the fruitfulness and joy of motherhood, of marriage, of family, of friends.

Perhaps a spring-cleaning is needed first.
In autumn.

Where dried leaves keep falling (like post-natal hair loss) and clearing of dead leaves never seem to end. It isn't easy. We used to plant and prune, watching each bud with great anticipation. When the blossoming started, we rejoiced at the harvest, the beauty, the joy. Then the cherished blooms once held so dear slowly withered. And now has to fall. And all that remains is to sweep them away. Perhaps pile it around the old tree, and wait for spring again.

Yet there is joy and relief in the recognition of the seasons.
To know what is needed for now, to know what i need not hold onto.
To know that it is not an abnormally, not a disease, not a fault, but merely a sign of the season.

What then, this season?
My baby, my husband, my family.
My students, each charge under me.
My friends, the church, the heart ministry.
Prayer life, the Word, regular exercise, intimate worship.

Rocks in, pebbles out.

Those little hands…

Those little hands…
So tiny and soft.
Chubby and dimpled, they look like starfish. Even when sticky and (frankly) smelly, they are cute.
I love the way they roam all over my face, exploring gently.
I love the way they fiddle with my hands as i lay next to her, playing with each finger, grabbing and rubbing.
When she grabs my fingers as I nurse her on Monday mornings, I feel I shouldn’t leave for work.

If only i could hide you in my pocket and take you with me.

no time, no time!

1. enjoyed my bday celebration. Fullerton stay was great! =) dinner @ the koh's great! HP's food was wonderful, and the company fantastic.
2. enjoying motherhood after all! =) i love glory, she's such a darling. and she's funny. and she's cute. love her love her love her!!!
3. going back to work's ok too. super busy, exhausted, but- well, ok. It's not as monotonous as being at home attached to the baby 24/7 (though i wish i could see more of her than i currently get to...) , feels more productive, colleagues are nice, and students seem more loveable now. Though i still don't want a son. =P
4. am planning to go to vietnam at year end! =)
5. had this strange night, when i couldn't stop thinking about being trapped under rubbles. but i think it was good. i feel... enlightened...

wanna journal more but... no time!!!
but i must i must!
it's an interesting season.
and i think i like it.