Yearnings Unsoothed

Sometimes puzzles, conversations, book, theories, games, songs, even an overdose of sermons are just to prevent thoughts you know you shouldn't have, to distract you from feelings you don't want to have.
Sometimes.
Get me through this please, to the place of complete satisfaction.

Oh Adulterous Heart!

A couple of weeks back, as I was putting Glory to bed, she asked me, "Mummy, do you think my heart is for God?"
"What do you mean, darling?" I probed.
"I want my heart to be always for God only. Can you pray that my heart will always be for God only, Mummy?"
I really was awed... where did she get all these longings from? How is it that a three-and-a-half year old would be pondering over a thing like this as she tries to sleep, and want it so much as to ask for prayers?
* * *
There's been a bothersome thorn in my mind the past weeks. I was first aware of it a long time ago, and i thought i had dealt with it. But recently i found it had returned, taking on different forms...
It's hard to put a finger on it. It can seem so diverse - like they weren't related at all, yet were in the same poem. I've been trying to figure it out, i've had sleepless nights hating what i saw in myself, worrying about it, trying to brainwash myself, and when i couldn't really get anywhere with it, tried to write it off as "not really a sin". Praying helped, but my mind was still clouded ... Hmm, maybe that's why it says " be clear-minded and self-controlled so that you can pray". Wasn't clear-minded enough maybe.

So when i'm stuck like that, guess what, i write.
Epiphanies come to me when i write. :P
***
The problem is, I'm easily seduced.
By dazzling intelligence, by masterful eloquence, by intriguing depth.
By broodiness mixed with humor.
By fun and thrills.
By beauty, by the soul behind music and dance.
By a good singing voice.
By that something layered behind beautiful eyes.

It bothers me.
Should it?
Last night, for the second night in a row, I was kept up all night thinking about it, imploring the hs to reveal more to me.
And somehow, Glory's prayer request kept coming to my mind.
Is that the issue you want to deal with Lord? That my heart is divided not devoted?
Is my heart for God only? Have I been more captivated by the Other Things?
I asked and asked.What IS wrong? Why am i feeling so tormented? Is there a problem, or am I just shrouded in a haze of perplexing confusion, thinking it's a problem when there's none? If there IS a problem, what am I supposed to do about it? If there isn't a problem, why is this bugging me so badly that I couldn't sleep?
I turned to sermons and songs, feeling much like Saul seeking relief in the sounds of David's harp. Hoping that somehow, even if i couldn't sort out the torment, sleep would come.
And then i heard the words "Adulterous heart".
***
When it was put in such terms, it's hideous isn't it?
So unvirtuous, so ungrateful, so irresponsible.

But I AM attracted to those! I am drawn to them. I am stirred by them. I've tried not to be, but it's a fight i'm starting to feel is unfightable because it was not meant to be battled with.
I believe I was wired this way. And I was wired this way for a reason.

I think He's calling me to search for something more within the Spirit.
Something of the Beauty that He caused me to love and yearn for, that I've not yet experienced. And if I indulge myself at the physical and soulish level, trying to satisfy my yearnings with people or the aesthetics or sentiments or hobbies, I would not press in to consumate it at the spirit level.

He's drawing me to discover more of Him, something deeper that I've not yet even known of. He wants to be known on another plane, another depth, another intensity.
And whatever that is, I want to know, feel, experience him fully, to the extent that he would let me.

***
I want my heart to always belong to You only.

Snuggle up, Sardines!

We’ve been snuggling it out at my parents’ since April. The whole family is currently housed in my old room. Yes, that’s four of us squeezed into the room that I used to have all to myself. “ Four in a room? How to sleep?” Well, *officially*, Munch and I are on the queen-sized bed, Glory’s on her Bumper Playmat on the floor just outside the bathroom, and Celeste is in her playpen, at the far corner of the room. That’s the plan, at least. More on that later.

But it’s not just the 4-in-a-room sleeping that is amazing, I tell you. It’s the 4-in-a-room storage. The walk-in wardrobe and two chests of drawers (that I used to have all to myself, if I may repeat) now hold the entire family’s clothes, toiletries, diapers, toys and books! How is that possible? Well, that’s because I only have like five sets of home clothes and five sets of go-out clothes here. I figured I should let Munch have more space since he’s working and bringing home the bacon and needs to look like a teacher, while I’m just the chauffeur and can ace the housewife look with just any old t-shirt and berms. So I ceded my territory. And the kids… well, Charisma insisted she only brought minimal clothes for them, but still, their share of drawer space is more than twice of mine! So if you noticed that I’ve been wearing the same outfit again and again and again, IT IS NOT MY FAULT! I’m just a great, wonderful, sacrificial mum and wife.

Needless to say, the lack of privacy and space is making munch and me really look forward to moving out again. But the kids are totally loving it here. They get to potter around the garden and make new friends like

Wilbur
and other playground boys (Celeste especially, that charmer.), they get to feed fishes and force wooden ducks to swim. They get to see Gong-gong and Po Po every day (don’t even get me started on indulgent grandparents). And they get to sleep in the same room as Daddy and Mummy. I wonder if we are gonna have to retrain them to sleep on their own when we move out. But truth be told, I’m gonna need the retraining too.

Glory lah.

She started off with sneaking into our bed in the middle of the night. We spoke to her about it, and she abided by the rules for a couple of nights. Then she started to come over to me in the middle of the night, mewing piteously by the side of the bed “But I want you, mummy. I want to be near you.” “Alright, just tonight” I relented. And of course, it happened again the next night. So it became a habit – for her and for me. It is just so nice to hug her close and snuggle under the sheets together. And, because munch falls asleep really quickly and I get lonely in the middle of the night, I actually am glad sometimes when she comes over for a chat and snuggle. She’s so like me in that aspect – she lies in bed for a long time before sleep comes. Celeste is like munch… five sucks of the thumb and she’s out like a lamp. Not that Munch sucks his thumb.

But to be fair to her, Glory really does try to sleep on her own mat. Last night, I heard her praying, “Dear God, please help me to sleep properly. Because I feel that I cannot sleep properly. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.” It was such a funny-sweet-touching moment… my little girl, trying so hard to obey mummy and daddy, and asking the Lord for help!

So did God answer her prayers?

Yes.

She crawled up next to me a few minutes later and fell soundly asleep.

Funny girl having bean curd tart at Serangoon Playground. Yeah. I stalk my old house. We still go back there sometimes, just to gaze longingly at the windows.

Celeste... behind that messy outfit is a serious charmer.
She's had little boys clearing the way for her on the slide, clamouring to lead her up the stairs, inviting her to explore different parts of the playground with them, and one even asked his mummy to wipe down kiddy rides so Celeste could sit next to him.
You've been warned!!

That's her, looking all pleased coz she bummed a banana off a random stranger.
By the way, after she was done with that, she got a second one! agh.....

Maybe she goes around telling people her mummy makes her work too hard, and doesn't feed her enough. You know, the poor little cinderella card always works.