Frustration is when SHOULD > COULD

i should keep a tighter watch over my classes,
i should spend more time with each one,
i should have let them know they can come to me if they need to talk,
i should have guided them more, counselled them more,
then perhaps they would not be in trouble, they would be a little more sensible, a little happier, cope with their teenage years a little better.

i should have spent time explaining to him,
i should have won him over to a holistic view.
then perhaps he wouldn't have been upset, perhaps we'd all be a little happier.

i should have spent more time preparing,
think of more games, create more buzz.
i should be a great story-teller, magic maker.
then perhaps they'd enjoy it better. they wouldn't be tired.

i should prepare the new bible study materials early.
i should look for new reading enrichment syllabus fast.
then the team would have time to prepare.
then we would have time to discuss and plan for club together.
then we would feel the unity, the common goal.
then the kids will learn better, grow closer to God.

i should.

could i?

the time table is real.
the limits of my strength is real.
i strained to do all i could.

Frustration is when what i should do and what i want to do is more than what i feel i could do.

Frustration is today.
thankful i didn't just succumb and bawl my heart out. it was THAT close. haiz. (God, thanks for being with me... and thanks for that bit o' grace that was shown... i really needed it)

But these 'could's and 'couldn'ts must never be my limits. they must never dictate my life.
if i am supposed to do them, if God wants me to do them, He will give me miraculous strength, He will give me miraculous fruits.

So I'm not giving up, and i'm not staying put. Gotta overcome this. *grit teeth*
If Frustration is when Should > could,
then Hope is when i know God changes couldn't into could.
until "could" grows and grows,
and the world sees and knows,
that it's not me, yang shuyan faith,
but christ who lives in me.


PS... thanks!
In spite of everything, there were beautiful things too!
like dinner with dad n mum,
the liang-cha mum made for me,
like realising that n has been behaving well n keeping out of trouble,
like receiving grace when i knew i should've done better,
like being understood and supported,
like having students who may not know enough to behave perfectly, but were sensitive enough to know i was upset and tried to be nice.
like munch, who listens, encourages, yet knows when it's time to let me be alone.

thank you for the world so sweet ho-hum

thank you for the food we eat yum yum

thank you for the birds that sing-a-ling-a-ling

thank you god for everything.

and thank you, other Non-Gods too =) appreciate it.

"Happy new year"

while ironing, i suddenly thought of minzi.
i wonder how he is.

=)
happy new year.

I long...

"And if I'm laden at all, if I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart isn't filled with the gladness
of love for one another"

i long for a world full of love,
that every word is spoken in love and with love,
where there is never any ill-intent, hidden swords,
nor any misunderstandings.
Where every discouragement and every hurt
does not manifest and hurt others,
but is resolved, healed, made right.

until that world comes,
can we break out of that downward spiral?
when hurt throbs in our hearts, can we still love?
when words pierce our hearts, can we still love, still care, still pray for them?
can we look beyond what is said and done, and see their pain and anguish?
find out what has hurt them and is causing them to act the way they do?
can we still act in their interests, instead of fending for ourselves?

can't everything be sorted out through understanding and love?
surely no one sets out to be evil?
when hearts meet, won't everything be out in the open?
... will hearts meet?...

always thought a suicide bomber can be loved out of his hatred.
always thought a robber or a rapist could be persuaded by love.
i've been told i'm naive
but really i believe.

meanwhile we may be drained, trampled upon, maligned.
yet we can't vent as and when we want to coz it may hurt others.
i believe if everyone loves his neighbour as himself, we would break out of that downward spiral of hurt and disappointment and anger.
we have to limit the manifestations of our own hurts for the benefits of others.
it's so hard,
but jesus said follow him

hard act to follow, but the holy spirit empowers.